Really want some reassurance that this will all be ok...

make_me_wise

HomeMum wrote: »

Actually, quick question, is it normal to want to hurt the OW, i mean, seriously wish her harm? I know it takes two to tango, but she was someone we both knew, she befriended me, and continutally told me i was paranoid, possessive and jealous, and that it wasnt a good quality. This as she was meeting and spending "private" time with MY husband!!!! I have days when i want to go to her house, smash every window, wreck her car, wish dreadful illnesses upon her, and i hate her passionately. True hate. So totally out of character, I dont usually say boo to a goose, am homeloving, quiet, and passive. But i have discoverd another part of me exists, and i dont like me. This is partly why i have been referred to a counsellor, i think my GP was shocked to the core when i admitting wanting to run the woman down!!

I agree with another poster who said that your feelings towards the OW and the built up rage will be effecting and hurting you more than they will ever hurt her. For your own sake I think this needs addressing.

As I said in my first post on here I could not and would not forgive an affair. Mainly because I would be equally upset and furious with my husband as the other woman. It takes two to tango. This other woman was horrendous for getting involved with your husband. Did she know he was married though? He was able to go behind your back and fool you, maybe he tricked her too.

Her actions aren't as awful as your husbands. It is he who owes you loyalty and should never have wrecked your trust in him. The person who has done you most damage is him not her. Deep down I think you know this, which is why you are struggling to move on from what happened.

These are just my views and feel free to ignore them. I am not writing this to stir up trouble or cause upset. Just giving my perspective by what we have been informed of on here. I wish you well.

pukkamum

make_me_wise wrote: »

I agree with another poster who said that your feelings towards the OW and the built up rage will be effecting and hurting you more than they will ever hurt her. For your own sake I think this needs addressing.

As I said in my first post on here I could not and would not forgive an affair. Mainly because I would be equally upset and furious with my husband as the other woman. It takes two to tango. This other woman was horrendous for getting involved with your husband. Did she know he was married though? He was able to go behind your back and fool you, maybe he tricked her too.

Her actions aren't as awful as your husbands. It is he who owes you loyalty and should never have wrecked your trust in him. The person who has done you most damage is him not her. Deep down I think you know this, which is why you are struggling to move on from what happened.

These are just my views and feel free to ignore them. I am not writing this to stir up trouble or cause upset. Just giving my perspective by what we have been informed of on here. I wish you well.

I too always felt this way until it happened to my friend and i saw how him cheating didn't mean she fell out of love with him, the way she saw it was they had 15 yrs of history together, a future planned and two children and she was damned if she was going to let it go without a fight, not to mention she truly truly loved him.
I then realised i then that if it was my DH i would not be so quick to leave him (not that i would ever tell him that!!).

gratefulforhelp_2

Homemum I think you have done a most courageous thing, and like most brave things it will be hard.

I haven't the experience of staying after an affair, but I think feelings of rage are normal for a while.

When the rage becomes a problem is when it affects you negatively and it's not getting any better. I think the same is true of your wish to hurt the OW. You're brave to admit it and I have felt the same. Let it go on too long, though, and it will only damage you.

brians_daughter

Op not read all the thread.

I was in the exact same situ and i forgave and forgot. It took a while - maybe 6-9 months to get 100% back to normal, but we got there. In the end he did it agian several years later and we are now getting divorced - but thats another story. What i am saying is yes its possible to forgive and forget and whilst anger is part of the process it takes more enegry to hate than to love so the hate youa re feeling for the OW could be directed as love and dedication to your hubby.

If you still feel so angry i do not think you and your oh are anywhere near having THE conversation that puts everything into perspective.

As for him not "hasnt earnt either my trust nor the right to ask" IMO he shouldnt need to ask. You can only keep someone caged for so long before they start to resent you and the situation. That ultimately leads to unhappiness.. and the dangers that come with those feelings. For this to work you need to have 100% trust in him, if you havent then there is no point imo. Ok, that trust isnt going to be there from day 1 of finding out but after several months you should feel more secure in your relationship.

"Its not what life throws at you, its how you deal with it!" was my Nans favourite saying, and in many situs its true.It can work if you both are prepared to try again and if youa re prepared to forgive and forget. That means no throwing it back in his face when you argue over the washing up and no firing questions at him months down the line. Hope you feel more secure,and happier soon

meritaten

Yes - you CAN forgive - maybe not forget, but forgiveness is enough. If this TRULY is one mistake! It takes time to rebuild trust - and if your OH is really remorseful then he will be willing to work with you to do so.
When I say it takes time - I'm not talking about weeks or months, it takes YEARS! you are still angry - and you need to let him know that - not by screaming and shouting, but honestly saying to him 'I am angry at what happened and need time to get over it'. Then let the anger out in other ways..........punching cushions, going to the gym, going out as far from others as you can and just screaming your anger and pain out!
Dont keep it inside - it will fester and destroy your chance of happiness.
But most of all - you need to know WHY dont you - why did he do it?
and he needs to answer this honestly even if he thinks its going to hurt you.
I am not saying that any of the following are true in your case - but they were in mine
Feeling I didnt matter to the OH
OH not being 'there' for me at a bad time
my feelings being 'dismissed'
not so much being taken for granted - but being of no more importance than the furniture and a lot less than the tv, mates, sports and just about everything else on the planet!

and if you all havent worked it out by now - I was the one that 'strayed'! but my OH was determined that we married 'til death do us part'! but, I can tell you - its been hard work on BOTH sides!

HomeMum_2

I have finally had THAT chat, you know, the one whereby i asked why, and MERITATEN, yours were the main reasons he gave. I found out all the little bits, the parts of the jigsaw i was struggling to put together. Now i know it all, and i do believe i finally do, im hoping it will be easier to move on although at the time of our chat last night it was hard to think at all, let alone think straight. I took Brians Daughters advice re not caging him in, and have said that if he wants to go out, then go with my blessing. I was gonna say, "but dont let me down", but actually i dont think i need to say it out loud. I am hoping and praying that he loves me enough not to. - Funnily enough once I had said "its fine to go out" he actually responded by saying thanks, but id rather go out with you!!!
I do still have alot of anger, and have decided that i am going to have to either join a gym, or take up running (uuurggghhhhh that sounds SO much hard work ) to drive my aggression away. I have an awful lot of hate inside me at the moment, thats taking up the nice space in me where i used to be. So im going to work hard to drive it out. I would need to do this even if he were no longer a part of my life, but especially so because he is. I cant keep dragging this up, like a stick to beat him with. Maybe the saying, everyone deserves a chance should apply., life to too short to be unhappy and its my own misery thats causing my unhappiness.
I would like to be able to make a box, a strong one. Put her (thoughts of her, not actually her - that would have to be one bloody big box, she was an athletically built woman) and all my sad, angry negative thoughts into it, along with my hurt, pain and dissapointment, and lock it up, throw away the key and store it somewhere far far out of reach. Never to be opened again.
Maybe if i make this my final post, this can be my box.
In fact, i think it will be. This has been a very healing journey, and i thank you all from the bottom of my heart. To the lovely lovely lady who pm'd me, I wish you all the luck and love in the world, you know who you are. My thoughts are with you, and your hurt can go in my box too.

I wont post again, so please do not be offended if i do not reply further, its not that im ungrateful for all your help, far far from it, its that im gonna lock the box, and throw it away. A very merry christmas to all in the upcoming weeks. and roll on 2012.
xxxxxxxxx

nottslass_2

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