Really want some reassurance that this will all be ok...

Welshwoofs

HomeMum wrote: »

I told my dh last night that it may be an overreaction, but if he ever attempts to go out with his mate again, ie arranges to meet for drinks be it over christmas or at any other time, then that is my deal breaker. No second chances, i have told him its his marriage, or his mate. Not prepared to ever allow it to happen again.

IMO you're deflecting anger in every direction but at the one you're actually angry at - your husband.

The base fact is that your husband's mate is not to blame; your husband is an adult, not a 14yr old who can be 'led astray'. If he decided to bunk up with this woman it was his own choice. It's natural you will feel anger at the OW, but the reality is that your husband is equally to blame.

The fact that your husband thinks everything is fine, but you're here upset and seething with rage says that actually the situation isn't resolved, either in your mind or in your marriage.

Counselling sounds like a good step to help you resolve your own feelings BUT at some point you're also going to have to resolve it with him. Imposing conditions like not seeing his mate essentially means you no longer trust him and that you think all it'll take is someone 'egging him on' for him to stray. You'll not get through a marriage with thoughts like that, you need to resolve them with him after you've come to terms with them yourself.

pukkamum

Hi this happened to a very close friend of mine he had been having an affair for around 6 mths (her second baby was 6 mths old when she found out!!) she forgave him and they worked through it, 5 years on and as far as i can see and she tells me they are very happy.
It took her a long time to completely forgive him and she admits she will never truly trust him or forget the pain he put her through, for a long time she would sometimes look at him and a wave of anger and hatred toward him would hit her(generally around PMT week).
But she realised that it would take effort on both sides to get over it, she knew that the only way they could get through it was by not using it in arguments ie him, you are bugging me, her yeah well you had an affair etc and biting her tongue a lot.

She no longer gets the hatred feelings now just a feeling of sadness that it happened and that it took away a small part of her love for him.
Keep working at it, it will get better, both my friend and i believe that everyone deserves a second chance in life, and if anything it has made him appreciate a lot more how much she loves and has sacrificed for him xxx

bargainbetty

Go for your own counselling, but do consider going with him too - it is obvious from what you say that he doesn't entirely understand what this did to you and the family unit, and he needs to accept responsibility for the risk he took so you can both move on. If you can't get him to truly understand what he caused, there is a chance it will happen again, or that you end up resenting him so much that you do it to get your own back! it must be dealt with.

As for wanting to harm the OW - rage is normal, and fantasies of revenge are too. My XH didn't cheat after I told him I'll nail his nuts to his forehead if he did. Revenge to the woman would depend on if she knew he was married, or worse, knew me personally. In your case, I'd have taken out some form of non-violent revenge on her - prawns around the gardens for the cats and then the smell, brown dye in the gutters for the mud-look, or suchlike.

But I'm mean. Good luck xx

tea_lover

Also wanted to say - the rage I felt towards the OW is literally indescribable. If I could have torn her apart with my bare hands then I would have done. Obviously I felt unbelievably angry with my OH too, but as we stayed together I think it's only natural in a way that most of that anger and rage got directed elsewhere. I have never hated anyone with the passion I felt towards her, I honestly felt like I could kill.

Like all of the other feelings involved, it does fade. Tbh if I really stopped and thought about her now I would still get angry, so it's not something that's gone completely for me. But this is a few years on, and I very, very rarely find she enters my head now. In another few years it will no doubt be better again.

HomeMum_2

tea_lover wrote: »

Also wanted to say - the rage I felt towards the OW is literally indescribable. If I could have torn her apart with my bare hands then I would have done. Obviously I felt unbelievably angry with my OH too, but as we stayed together I think it's only natural in a way that most of that anger and rage got directed elsewhere. I have never hated anyone with the passion I felt towards her, I honestly felt like I could kill.

Gosh, you have just described my feelings!!!! :beer: Its not just me then .

Can i just say a HUGE THANKYOU from the bottom of my heart for all the thoughful replies. I think ive a little PMT at mo, (sorry its that too much info ) and feel so very much better today.
I shall take all the advice, from those offering sympathy, and also from those offering straightforward talking, and use it to help me recover from this. Thank you all again.
:T

purple.sarah

I hope counselling helps. The reason couple's counselling might help is that this is not your issue, it is an issue with your relationship and your husband too. It sounds like you are defining boundaries together for the future like whether he goes out with the lads etc and talking things through with a professional could be helpful. Some people think counselling is about digging up the hurt and rehashing it ad nauseum but good counselling is about moving forward. Also if you are waiting for NHS counselling it can be a long wait. Relate does see individuals as well as couples if you are interested in that.

Your anger at the other woman is normal, just don't act on it as that could get you into trouble. Totally cut her out of your life as she sounds toxic and move on. It would only make her happy to hear that she has hurt you, the best revenge is to live a good life.

deb68_2

Toomuchdebt wrote: »

As someone who has been cheated on-yes I think it's totally normal to want to hurt the OW in some way.

I Totally agree with Tooomuchdebt

deb68_2

keep talking to him get it all said,i think you are Angry with both of them
he hurt you but it looks like he is trying to make things better
her well as much as you want to hurt her for all of this(and believe me i DO UNDERSTAND)
shes a Nothing a Blip big one, but that is all she is,a waister,user,lier tramp could call her all same things that are in your head
You are the winner u r a mum looking after kids,home an oh,

she just looks after ermmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm well cant say that its too rude but you get what i mean lol
Facebook is either a good thing for keeping in touch with fam an friends,
or a bad thing for scum,and thiers lots of scum out there

Keep your head up and smile
sending you lots (((((((((((( hugs )))))))
deb

2522laura

I have been in the same boat. I had my suspicions before we got married that he was a cheat (we had been together since he was 19 and I was 15 and got married when I was almost 22) but I didnt feel that I could call it off on a hunch. Just over 3 years in to the marriage and the day after my birthday I found out he was having an affair with a girl he worked with. He said he was sorry, didnt mean anything, he loved me etc but I chose to end the marriage as he couldnt be trusted and clearly didnt love me enough not to cheat - the 2 things a good relationship are built on. Anyway, the point is although it was by no means the easy way out (we didnt have children but had a mortgage) things have certainly worked out for the better for me now. I have been with my OH for almost 3 years, we have a lovely home and our first baby on the way in April and despite what happened to me in the past I trust him with my life.

What ever you do is totally your decision, all I would say is dont be scared to walk away, there will be someone for whom you will be their world, not every one cheats xx

HomeMum_2

Thank you xxx