Really want some reassurance that this will all be ok...

HomeMum_2

Hi there.

I really really really could do with some positive :j reassurance from people that have been where I am now, and have survived and come out the other side, better and stronger than before. I am feeling quite (alright, very) low at the moment, have good days more than bad but just need to know it CAN be ok?

I found out 5 months ago that my dh was having an affair, it had been going on for a few months, cyberly (not sure if thats a word) via !!!!!!!g Facebook :mad: and they had progressed to meeting up in the final 6 weeks of the affair. They met up once a week from easter til being found out on 1st June, and dh admitted to attempting to have sex twice. I say attempting cos he couldnt "get it up". Obviously his penis is more faithful to me than his head!!

Anyway, since finding out, and all the horrid emotions that goes with such a discovery we have moved forward. I made the decision to allow him to stay, and after talking it through on numerous occasions, and him answering each and every question i fired at him, we have got the the stage where we are at today. He says (and i do believe him) that he is so very sorry, that it was a bad response to our relationship at the time, which wasnt brilliant i guess, and that he wished with all his being he could turn back the clock. He loves me, and my children, and that he will never, ever, be so stupid again.
He has once again become the man i fell in love with, he is kind, considerate and thoughtful, and has said he doesnt want to go out alone with the lads (whcih is what he had started to do when it all went wrong) again, and that even if he did fancy a night out once in a while he doesnt want to just yet as he feels he hasnt earnt either my trust nor the right to ask.
For my part, i do love him, greatly. I lost my way a bit for a while and wasnt sure i did, but i do. And i would be much much unhappier without him then i am with him. BUT i do have days (quite a few actually) when i really am angry with him :mad: and wonder why on earth i would put up with it, and why if he really love me he would even have done it in the first place:(.

I guess what i am trying to ask, is are there any wise old heads out there that have discovered affairs, made their peace, and are living happily ever after , can it really be achieved? Or am i just kidding myself that it can and will, all be ok if two people really want to move forward, and forgive and forget?

Please be gentle with your replies, i am expecting the usual "i would have thrown him out" responses, but i havent, and am not expecting to any time soon, so this wont be much help. There MUST be some of you that have been me, and just want to move on?

Gillyx

It's understandable you're still peed off about it, but it's one of those things, if you really can't put it to the back of your mind and forget about it, then you will never be happy together.

Have you thought about couples therapy?

make_me_wise

HomeMum wrote: »

He has once again become the man i fell in love with, he is kind, considerate and thoughtful, and has said he doesnt want to go out alone with the lads (whcih is what he had started to do when it all went wrong) again, and that even if he did fancy a night out once in a while he doesnt want to just yet as he feels he hasnt earnt either my trust nor the right to ask.
For my part, i do love him, greatly. I lost my way a bit for a while and wasnt sure i did, but i do. And i would be much much unhappier without him then i am with him. BUT i do have days (quite a few actually) when i really am angry with him :mad: and wonder why on earth i would put up with it, and why if he really love me he would even have done it in the first place:(.

I guess what i am trying to ask, is are there any wise old heads out there that have discovered affairs, made their peace, and are living happily ever after , can it really be achieved? Or am i just kidding myself that it can and will, all be ok if two people really want to move forward, and forgive and forget?

I am so sorry that you have been through such a traumatic time. The things I have highlighted above make me feel that you two haven't done anywhere near enough talking yet. Either with each other or ideally with a service like Relate. I think you both want things to go back to how they once were but are not fronting big issues and are trying to paper over huge cracks.

An affair is not something I could forgive and move on from I am afraid to say. Once that trust has gone I dont think a relationship can ever be as good again.

I wish you loads of luck in making things work out. A hell of alot of honest talking and facing painfull realities is ahead though I think.

Proc

This happens to a massive proportion of marriages. You've probably got close friends that it's happened to - they just choose to forget about it and move on with life.

Time will heal and hopefully remove some of your anger. I broke my partner's trust about 18 months ago...and it still pops up to bite me in the !!! from time-to-time. But generally speaking, we're very much in love with each other and have put the past behind.

You're not the first, you're not the only and you certainly won't be the last to recover from a sh*t patch in a relationship. If he does it a second time then cut his balls off and leave him. Until then, best of luck to you. It can work.

HomeMum_2

Thank you so much for replies, especially Proc. I did write him a long long letter in the beginning, asking every question i could possibly think of wanting answers to, yes it did include all the questions i probably shouldnt have asked, where, how, when, what position, where did they go in the car? what did they talk about? why why why??? He answered each question seperately, bullet pointing each and every one and making sure i was clear with his answer before moving onto next point. I still bought questions up for a while, as things "popped" into my head, lightbulb style. He hasnt always been patient, he does roll his eyes, and huff, but i figured (and tell him) that answering questions is a small price to pay. He said yesterday that he thinks he may be "a bit green". I said i didnt get what he meant and he explained that he just thinks that we are back to normal, that life is ok, that I am ok, and that we are both happy. He assumes everything is fine as i no longer bring it up on a daily basis, i do have the occasional rant, but its shortlived and every time she pops into my thoughts i tell her to !!!!!! off out of my head as the only person it hurts is me to think of her.
I have been referred for counselling, and am waiting for an appointment, he did offer to go relate with me but i dont want to go with him, i want to see a counsellor alone, i truly belive that if we are trying to move forward then seeing a counsellor together wont help as it will just bring it all up again.
I so very much want to be happy again, not most days happy, but every day happy. I used to be.

HomeMum_2

Actually, quick question, is it normal to want to hurt the OW, i mean, seriously wish her harm? I know it takes two to tango, but she was someone we both knew, she befriended me, and continutally told me i was paranoid, possessive and jealous, and that it wasnt a good quality. This as she was meeting and spending "private" time with MY husband!!!! I have days when i want to go to her house, smash every window, wreck her car, wish dreadful illnesses upon her, and i hate her passionately. True hate. So totally out of character, I dont usually say boo to a goose, am homeloving, quiet, and passive. But i have discoverd another part of me exists, and i dont like me. This is partly why i have been referred to a counsellor, i think my GP was shocked to the core when i admitting wanting to run the woman down!!

Astara

I think you have done incredibly well and really hope the counselling works for you. There are some interesting sites and books dealing with this by Michelle Weiner Davis ( American) and Andrew G Marshall (English) and they have short useful videos on their sites and youtube. It takes time and a lot of forgiveness but it can be done. Good luck.

Toomuchdebt

As someone who has been cheated on-yes I think it's totally normal to want to hurt the OW in some way.

summerday

So sorry for what you've gone through. Every person is different, so I won't make judgements on your husband- people make mistakes in all kinds of ways. It sounds like he has been honest and given details you've asked for rather than deny what happened, which counts for something, and is fighting to keep you, which is also positive. It sounds as though you went through a bad patch and he veered dangerously off track but hugely regrets it now.

You will no doubt feel hurt for a long time, but if you genuinely feel that your life is better with him in it, and he is really making a huge effort, then you're doing the right thing by giving him a second chance. He will have to earn back your trust, which will take time.

I do know of one couple who a similar thing happened to, again it was the man who strayed, she was very unsure what to do but was persuaded by his begging and pleading. She made it dead plain that if it EVER happened again there would be no third chance. To be fair, he is like a reformed character, relaised how close he was to losing her and how that is the thing he fears most of all even though he took her for granted. Their relationship is better than ever before, as they work at it and realise how fragile relationships can be.

I've never cheated on anyone, nor to my knowledge had anyone cheat on me, so I'm probably not best placed to offer advice on the subject, but it sounds as though he got caught up in the excitement of it when you two were going through a bad patch- not excusing him, but he wasn't weighing up what he could potentially lose if and when he got found out and now that he has reality has come crashing down, he realises how stupid he's been and is doing everything he can to keep you because he loves you so much.

Some might think you weak, but for what it's worth I admire you hun- it's not an easy thing to do, but as long as you've made it clear that he will never get another chance and you expect this change in him to be long-term, hopefully your relationship will improve in the long term. I think there's worse things people can do- violence for instance is something I don't believe second chances should be given for.

Best wishes. xx

hjsmum

These first few months will be the hardest but as time goes on you will think about it less and less until suddenly it's five years down the line and it doesn't really enter your head that often. Good luck and look after yourself and each other xx

summerday

Your feelings towards the other woman sound totally understandable, esp given the circumstances. Do all you can to keep well clear of her in case you feel out of control- don't give her the satisfaction. You can keep your dignity intact, and at the end of the day it is YOU that your husband is fighting to keep. She will soon be trying to dig her claws into someone else's man.