New girlfriend meeting teenage children for first time

Knockans

Hi

I am the 'new girlfriend' and I haven't yet met his children, who are 17, 19 & 21. They live with him; their mother left about 18 months ago; we have been together for 6 months.

How would people suggest is the best way to go about meeting them? I have left it completely in his court, although (contrarily) I didn't go to a 'big' party at his house for his birthday a few weeks ago as it was mainly family and I thought that was completely the wrong setting to meet them in.

I would like (I guess) to meet for a coffee somewhere neutral but if I were to go to his/their house, how should I play it? Have you been through this from the children's point of view and what would help me be accepted? Apart from being polite, is there anything that I could/should say/do to facilitate it (from both sides!!)?

I don't want to be a stepmother or anything like that! Just friends/accepted etc.

Points of view and opinions gratefully received.

Regards

Gillyx

I was the "child" in this situation and all I can say is be yourself, don't try and be anything you aren't because they will see right through you. Ask questions, be interested in what they are saying

I've met 2 of my Dad's girlfriends (not dating at the same time btw :rotfl: ) and the one I really liked is the one he's with now, which I'm over the moon about, they've only been dating 3 years and I am 23 but I do look at her as another mother now. She's such an amazing person

So as long as you're genuine and open I think you'l be fine. Also meeting in their house may make it a bit more comfortable for them, they can meet you and then go do as they please and it's not the pressure of sitting for an hour or whatever in a coffee shop.

After 6 months I think it should all go great, I wouldn't leave it much longer though, it could become awkward.

Good Luck.

P.s it may not feel "natural" to start with, but it doesn't mean that the meeting has gone wrong, it just takes time. They may be cautious, especially if they've seen there Dad at rock bottom when his wife left, I know I was, I didn't want him to be hurt again.

borokat

What about meeting them at the cinema. He can say 'my friend Knockans is going to come with us' beforehand. Then you go and watch the film - if it's going well you could for a milkshake or something afterwards.

19lottie82

I wouldn't worry about this too much. You have the advantage that they aren't children any more, so should hopefully be grown up and welcome you as they respect their fathers wishes and happiness. You sound very sensible and considerate, so they certainly should.

Plus they will all have their own lifes now, rather than being with their father 24/7

Just imagine, how much more difficult it would be if they were all 10 years younger! Good luck x

trolleyrun

Do the children know their dad is dating/seeing someone? If they don't, then he needs to tell them way before you meet them. I think it's important he talks to the children and tells them how much he likes you, what a great person you are and that you make him happy.

An example from my childhood in how not to meet the kids: She was a "babysitter" for a while. Next thing we knew she moved in, although we'd never been told she was the girlfriend or anything. After a few months we got sent away for the weekend and when we came back, they'd got married without telling us (the kids) :eek:

Having said that, just be yourself. Listen and don't forget that these kids will still have loyalty towards both parents, so it's important that they understand that you're not intending to be another mum to them. Don't bring presents (they'll see through that), but if you're good at cooking and your OH isn't that good, maybe cook a nice meal for them. Ask your OH first of what kind of food they like. Ask questions and listen carefully to the replies.

And whatever you do - do not hug/kiss/snog/PDA their dad in front of them! That would make them feel incredibly awkward

I'm sure you'll be fine. Relax and enjoy.

Gillyx

19lottie82 wrote: »

I wouldn't worry about this too much. You have the advantage that they aren't children any more, so should hopefully be grown up and welcome you as they respect their fathers wishes and happiness. You sound very sensible and considerate, so they certainly should.

Plus they will all have their own lifes now, rather than being with their father 24/7

Just imagine, how much more difficult it would be if they were all 10 years younger! Good luck x

I agree with this to an extent, but if you don't like someone, you don't like them. The first girlfriend I met of my Dad's I didn't like from the get go, not because I'm spoilt or whatever, but I could see she wasn't right for my Dad. I was always civil to her, but didn't get attached or become too friendly as I knew deep down she wouldn't be there for long.

19lottie82

Gillyx wrote: »

I agree with this to an extent, but if you don't like someone, you don't like them. The first girlfriend I met of my Dad's I didn't like from the get go, not because I'm spoilt or whatever, but I could see she wasn't right for my Dad. I was always civil to her, but didn't get attached or become too friendly as I knew deep down she wouldn't be there for long.

Were you right? (just out of curiosity!)

But this has to be an advantage for the OP. Younger kids are more likely to have the idea in their head that a parents new partner is preventing their mum and dad getting back together, when this obv isn't the case.

Gillyx

19lottie82 wrote: »

Were you right? (just out of curiosity!)

Yes. They were together for about another month after that and split up. He then met his current girlfriend I mentioned previously and she is perfect for him in every way. Infact I think he's incredibly lucky to have her

Knockans

It's useful to hear that (hopefully) common sense and courtesy should get us through.

Thanks for the input.

Regards

Mojisola

I would want to meet on neutral ground and aim for a fairly short first get-together - coffee or a pub lunch.

peachyprice

I would also say neutral ground would be best. A nice relaxed lunch somewhere, where you can all chat and won't be rushed.