No light at the end of the tunnel......

AngryDog

You'll be ok Tink If he isnt supportive of you then he isnt worth having! My OH (we're very patchy on a trial reconcilliation until new year) is supportive, but pretty does nothing to ease the situation. My debts arent really her fault, but I got into more debt when I got with her. She wasnt working (still isnt working) so I am having to support both of us etc, and it is very hard. She pays lip service to getting a job and as a result if things dont change after Christmas then I will have to let her go (my bill's more than double when she is at home! - I use less than £10 electric a week - shes using around £12 on her own!).

I digress, but you'll be ok Tink. you have a good friend who sounds like they will give you all the support you need if your OH wont.

dancingfairy

Hi - do you think he knows there's a problem? Maybe he's worried in case it's something drastic - like cancer or you're having an affair or something so maybe he'd be relieved to find out 'it's only debt'? IYSWIM?
Also he knows you're in debt which is a good starting point so it's not like it's all hidden. You say that from last year to this year its increased by 10k so it's obvious that these things can spiral out of control very quickly.
I recall some threads of people panicked to tell their other half -very often the OH is angry/upset/shocked etc and can take a few days to settle down. Very often they stick by the other person. In a very few cases things have gone wrong but then in those cases the poster says that things had been going wrong for a number of years and it seems more to be generl trust issues and other issues with the relationship - rather than the actual debt to be honest.
best of Luck
df

eyeopener2

Hi

Another one here who din't fess up to OH, she found out when the joint account debit card was refused at Mr T. Over the OD limit that she didn't even know we had and that was before Wonga came a calling. Never mind the two loans, and four credit cards and other payday loans!

Was the full confession awful? Yes. I had to move out for a short time.

Should I have told her before it got that far? yes and I would implore anybody to say something because from what i've read on this website and from personal experience it isn't the money thats the problem, its the lies and deceit that has taken place.

If you both work towards getting rid of it, its a lot easier than having to deal with it on your own. Share the burden, get a plan and start living a new life.

The relief will be immense and after the initial shock and anger things will settle down.

E2

tink28

dancingfairy wrote: »

Hi - do you think he knows there's a problem? Maybe he's worried in case it's something drastic - like cancer or you're having an affair or something so maybe he'd be relieved to find out 'it's only debt'? IYSWIM?
Also he knows you're in debt which is a good starting point so it's not like it's all hidden. You say that from last year to this year its increased by 10k so it's obvious that these things can spiral out of control very quickly.
I recall some threads of people panicked to tell their other half -very often the OH is angry/upset/shocked etc and can take a few days to settle down. Very often they stick by the other person. In a very few cases things have gone wrong but then in those cases the poster says that things had been going wrong for a number of years and it seems more to be generl trust issues and other issues with the relationship - rather than the actual debt to be honest.
best of Luck
df

Well he knows I'm in debt - but thinks its around £15k.... so yes it will be a shock to him but not a full blown shock as if he thought I had no money problems at all...
Ha to be honest there isnt any chance of me having an affair as I spend most of my time either at work or at home...
Its increased quickly due to non payments, interest etc - plus other borrowing to cover up (payday loans etc)

Herbgirl

Subscribe!! Good Luck!! A am planning on have a mega thrifty new year to try and rid myself of some debt. Would love to follow your journey and bully you back on to it if you stray again!

tink28

Herbgirl wrote: »

Subscribe!! Good Luck!! A am planning on have a mega thrifty new year to try and rid myself of some debt. Would love to follow your journey and bully you back on to it if you stray again!

Was this meant for me?
Good luck with your journey....
I will never stray again trust me.... cant wait to get rid of the debt and live a normal life again! Never ever getting anything on credit again... if I cant afford to pay for it with cash then it stays in the shop!

his_missus

Hi Tink!

I can empathise with you completely. My Hubby when we first many years ago had debt problems which he hid from me for a while. When he finally announced he had something he needed to tell me next time I went round, I was convinced he was going to tell me he was gay! When he told me he'd had to get an IVA to sort his debts I was relieved it wasn't my worst fears. Despite this, we still enjoyed living in the means we had become accustomed to. Mainly by me spending on credit card, maxxing it, getting loan to pay it off then spending on credit card, maxxing it, getting loan to cover first loan and credit card... vicious circle. We always felt the loan(s) was a manageable debt. Then when his IVA finished, he got a loan to cover my loan, remortgaged the house so we could buy a car, holidays etc and the cycle continued!

It's only recently we've had the lightbulb moment where we've decided we really don't want to live like this forever. If he hadn't remortgaged he would have paid it off by now and would own the house outright. Although now our debt is manageable (to a certain extent) and we can afford to live comfortably without being as extravagent as we used to be, we have decided the borrowing stops. Once my loan is paid off in full in June we should have almost £400 extra a month which will tackle our other debts and give us a chance to start saving for what we want.

I'm rambling a bit, sorry. I suppose what I want to say is I'm glad we did this together and I hope Tink, your OH is supportive and helps out, even if he just takes on your share of household bills. Telling him will be hard but good luck!

Oh, and you will find lots of emotional support on this forum - people who have been there (and beyond) and survived, people wo are still there but finding a way back, people who can give you ideas how to spend less in all areas of your life and people who will just offer words to let you know you're not alone xxxx

tink28

AngryDog wrote: »

You'll be ok Tink If he isnt supportive of you then he isnt worth having! My OH (we're very patchy on a trial reconcilliation until new year) is supportive, but pretty does nothing to ease the situation. My debts arent really her fault, but I got into more debt when I got with her. She wasnt working (still isnt working) so I am having to support both of us etc, and it is very hard. She pays lip service to getting a job and as a result if things dont change after Christmas then I will have to let her go (my bill's more than double when she is at home! - I use less than £10 electric a week - shes using around £12 on her own!).

I digress, but you'll be ok Tink. you have a good friend who sounds like they will give you all the support you need if your OH wont.

Thanks for your comments - makes me feel a bit better knowing I'm not alone

Ha these comments aren't all about me though - if you want to digress feel free.... I think thats a bit out of order though for her not to be working or even attempting to get a job knowing your situation! Hopefully things work out for you x

tink28

his_missus wrote: »

Hi Tink!

I can empathise with you completely. My Hubby when we first many years ago had debt problems which he hid from me for a while. When he finally announced he had something he needed to tell me next time I went round, I was convinced he was going to tell me he was gay! When he told me he'd had to get an IVA to sort his debts I was relieved it wasn't my worst fears. Despite this, we still enjoyed living in the means we had become accustomed to. Mainly by me spending on credit card, maxxing it, getting loan to pay it off then spending on credit card, maxxing it, getting loan to cover first loan and credit card... vicious circle. We always felt the loan(s) was a manageable debt. Then when his IVA finished, he got a loan to cover my loan, remortgaged the house so we could buy a car, holidays etc and the cycle continued!

It's only recently we've had the lightbulb moment where we've decided we really don't want to live like this forever. If he hadn't remortgaged he would have paid it off by now and would own the house outright. Although now our debt is manageable (to a certain extent) and we can afford to live comfortably without being as extravagent as we used to be, we have decided the borrowing stops. Once my loan is paid off in full in June we should have almost £400 extra a month which will tackle our other debts and give us a chance to start saving for what we want.

I'm rambling a bit, sorry. I suppose what I want to say is I'm glad we did this together and I hope Tink, your OH is supportive and helps out, even if he just takes on your share of household bills. Telling him will be hard but good luck!

Oh, and you will find lots of emotional support on this forum - people who have been there (and beyond) and survived, people wo are still there but finding a way back, people who can give you ideas how to spend less in all areas of your life and people who will just offer words to let you know you're not alone xxxx

Hi - yes sounds like a lot of people do the whole spend - borrow - spend circle! Just always feels like I'm the only one in the world that has this problem - then I come on here and there are people in bigger situations than me! I think its just because I am dealing with it on my own it just feels like a big hole that will never close!
We'll see what happens this week - like I said before whats the worst that can happen?
None of the debt is on the house (except the mortgage obviously) but its all unsecured personal debt so I can be thankful for that at least!

Have been an emotional wreck this week to be honest but hopefully after the weekend things will take a turn for the better and I can start sorting my life out without the stress....

findingmyownway

I think you're doing the right, and very brave, thing by telling OH. If he isn't supportive then he isn't worth having in my opinion. From what you've said on here, part of the responsibility lies with him anyway (he has certainly benefited from your spending!) even if it's your name on the accounts. I really hope you can work at it together.