No light at the end of the tunnel......

tink28

Morning..... :hello:

OK so after a few sleepless nights (more sleepless than normal) and 2 days off work because I was feeling so down I couldn't be bothered to do anything - I spoke to a mutual family friend last night, told him the basics - being in debt, not being able to tell DH etc etc - he has offered to help me tell him this weekend.
He said I need to tell him now as DH has made an appointment to go to the bank next week re: mortgage renewal so he will find out then. :eek:

Not really sure how I feel about it - am worried but am also feeling a bit of relief I guess (altho he doesnt actually know yet) but its a step in the right direction I suppose.... just wish it was after Xmas but hey ho! Been struggling on my own for so long I guess it can only go one of 2 ways.... he helps or doesnt!

Also just got my credit file - have 6 defaults on there _pale_

Friend said not to worry - he can totally understand why I have been trying to deal with it alone, but I have to stop before it makes me ill (I'm kinda at that stage already tho - counselling etc). He also said he isn't suprised that I'm in debt - he was shocked when he found out from DH that I pay half of everything even though I'm on a lower wage....


Has anyone else been in the situation where they haven't been able to talk to the OH?? Have you done it now? How was it etc etc?

xx

RickfromHerts

Hi Tink

First of all, well done for taking the first steps to telling your husband; it's so important that you get to that crossroad sooner rather than later, he either supports you or he doesn't - unfortunately it's as simple as that. Either way you will no longer be hiding things, jumping when the phone rings or covering your tracks and I'm sure you'll feel a release of some of the stress you currently burden. Don't waste years of your life feeling like this, it's already been too long!

From my own experience, it's the only solution to your troubles. I was in a similar situation, not as much debt, however I was hiding it away etc…Sometimes people surprise you, my wife certainly did and couldn't have been more supportive once the initial shock went away. 3 years down the line and we are now in a much stronger financial position, mainly down to working together to tackle the issue and then working out moving forward how best to manage our finances.

Wish you all the best, remember you do have a future and tomorrow can be better than today!

fran1137

Hi

I am in the same boat - £35,000 of debt + £125k mortgage. Although not all my fault and DH is aware we have debts, he is not aware of the magnitude of it or that I kept making it worse by borrowing to cover up and borrowing to keep him happy. I finally buckled and phoned national Debtline a couple of weeks ago. An hour long tearful conversation left me totally shattered but oh so relieved. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I do actually sleep now and again. I keep repeating to myself 'lesson learnt' and 'never again', because I cannot ever go through the strain of dealing with these debts and struggling again. Once this is repaid, we will be free. Good luck, i am sure it will all work out x

May2013

Hi Tink – Yes I’ve been there….I had over £52k debt and didn’t tell a soul for years.

I came clean with my OH just over 2yrs ago once I’d got it under some sort of control (I’d got it down to about £33k)….at the time he was putting me under all sorts of pressure to contribute towards a new washing machine and I simply didn’t have a penny to help towards it!! I got so cross that he wouldn’t listen to what I was saying that I just let it all out….he was understandably shocked but didn’t fly off the handle either.

He’s a lot older than me but very fit and ‘young’ at heart…his plan was to work beyond retirement age to allow us to clear as much of the mortgage as possible but my bombshell changed that and he retired almost immediately stating that he wasn’t going to be a mug working all his life just to support me and my debt (helpful!!!). Anyway that was the extent of his emotional outburst and since then things have been ok, I think he regrets his hastiness in retiring now and he can see just how hard I’m having to work and the sacrifices that I’ve made to clear this, but clear it I will….we are not ‘in it together’ (I don’t want his help) but he certainly understands and supports me in what has become my mission in life and a journey that has made me a richer person in so many ways.

Don’t be afraid or hide away from this, it will only make you ill (I suffered with depression for a time as a result of the secrets and unshared pressure and fear).…be open and deal with it head on, your OH is unlikely to be over the moon but once the shock has been digested I’m sure he will work with you on a plan for your future, you are going to be worth so much more to him than a negative balance on a spreadsheet. But most importantly you will have unburdened yourself of some of the stress and will be able to see the road ahead without the constant fear of the unknown jumping out at you.

I wish you loads of luck, you can and will get through this (with or without your OH’s support)….progress will be slow at the beginning but it will gain momentum and in time this will be no more than an episode in your life.

May xx

tink28

May2013 wrote: »

Hi Tink – Yes I’ve been there….I had over £52k debt and didn’t tell a soul for years.

I came clean with my OH just over 2yrs ago once I’d got it under some sort of control (I’d got it down to about £33k)….at the time he was putting me under all sorts of pressure to contribute towards a new washing machine and I simply didn’t have a penny to help towards it!! I got so cross that he wouldn’t listen to what I was saying that I just let it all out….he was understandably shocked but didn’t fly off the handle either.

He’s a lot older than me but very fit and ‘young’ at heart…his plan was to work beyond retirement age to allow us to clear as much of the mortgage as possible but my bombshell changed that and he retired almost immediately stating that he wasn’t going to be a mug working all his life just to support me and my debt (helpful!!!). Anyway that was the extent of his emotional outburst and since then things have been ok, I think he regrets his hastiness in retiring now and he can see just how hard I’m having to work and the sacrifices that I’ve made to clear this, but clear it I will….we are not ‘in it together’ (I don’t want his help) but he certainly understands and supports me in what has become my mission in life and a journey that has made me a richer person in so many ways.

Don’t be afraid or hide away from this, it will only make you ill (I suffered with depression for a time as a result of the secrets and unshared pressure and fear).…be open and deal with it head on, your OH is unlikely to be over the moon but once the shock has been digested I’m sure he will work with you on a plan for your future, you are going to be worth so much more to him than a negative balance on a spreadsheet. But most importantly you will have unburdened yourself of some of the stress and will be able to see the road ahead without the constant fear of the unknown jumping out at you.

I wish you loads of luck, you can and will get through this (with or without your OH’s support)….progress will be slow at the beginning but it will gain momentum and in time this will be no more than an episode in your life.

May xx

Awwwwww thanks - you brought tears to my eyes!! Yes I'm kinda expecting the same sort of support but to be honest I dont think I want his help as such - I got myself into it I will get myself out of it... I just dont want the stress of it, the pressure and the worry of the phone ringing etc.... If he knows then he can understand that when I say I can't afford it then I can't afford it - simple. No questions about why I can't afford it or how I've not got money etc... I understand about the depression side of it - I am actually having counselling at the moment think the drs were on the verge of sectioning me but I agreed to the counselling (phew).
I know its going to hard and I'm fine with that - am even willing to try and get a 2nd job and work my a$$ off so thats not an issue. I just can't deal with this 'double life' anymore...

tink28

fran1137 wrote: »

Hi

I am in the same boat - £35,000 of debt + £125k mortgage. Although not all my fault and DH is aware we have debts, he is not aware of the magnitude of it or that I kept making it worse by borrowing to cover up and borrowing to keep him happy. I finally buckled and phoned national Debtline a couple of weeks ago. An hour long tearful conversation left me totally shattered but oh so relieved. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I do actually sleep now and again. I keep repeating to myself 'lesson learnt' and 'never again', because I cannot ever go through the strain of dealing with these debts and struggling again. Once this is repaid, we will be free. Good luck, i am sure it will all work out x

Does your OH know now?? Mine knows I'm in debt but thinks its about 15k.... doesn't know the full amount or that I've got 6 defaults on my credit file (mind you I didnt even know that until this morning)

downsizer3

My ex kept about £40k of debt hidden from me and only opened up when he lost his job and the debt collectors were calling. His debt was caused by gambling on the stock market ( poor investments he called it). After an initial rant I gathered myself and marched him off to Citizens Advice - and he started to deal with it from there.
He suffers badly with depression and was nearly sectioned - still in counselling now - 2 years on. Who knows which comes first sometimes - the depression or the debt......it can certainly be a spiral.
Anyway - we did split - not about the debt for the record - plenty other issues haha - but rest assured - you may be surprised at your OH's reaction.
Bottom line - if he's not at all supportive it may bring some other issues to a head as well. One thing I do know is that dealing with it will be such a relief it's the only way to go.
Good luck.
Let us know how you get on.

tink28

downsizer3 wrote: »

My ex kept about £40k of debt hidden from me and only opened up when he lost his job and the debt collectors were calling. His debt was caused by gambling on the stock market ( poor investments he called it). After an initial rant I gathered myself and marched him off to Citizens Advice - and he started to deal with it from there.
He suffers badly with depression and was nearly sectioned - still in counselling now - 2 years on. Who knows which comes first sometimes - the depression or the debt......it can certainly be a spiral.
Anyway - we did split - not about the debt for the record - plenty other issues haha - but rest assured - you may be surprised at your OH's reaction.
Bottom line - if he's not at all supportive it may bring some other issues to a head as well. One thing I do know is that dealing with it will be such a relief it's the only way to go.
Good luck.
Let us know how you get on.

Sorry you split.... but yes dealing with it will be so much relief... however, I can't really say I'd be too sad if we did split (thats bad isnt it) but maybe its just because of all the stress and anxiety I'm dealing with... will defo keep you informed and let you all know how it goes!

fran1137

tink28 wrote: »

Does your OH know now?? Mine knows I'm in debt but thinks its about 15k.... doesn't know the full amount or that I've got 6 defaults on my credit file (mind you I didnt even know that until this morning)

He knows we have a lot of debt but absolutely not a clue how much. He has a wish list as long as your arm and I always gave in, managing to find the money from somewhere. Whilst we had good jobs,this was ok, we were managing fine but we both lost our jobs and even though we got new jobs, we had to live on less money as they don't pay so much.

But, I was still borrowing to keep things ticking along because I hate being the one to say we can't afford it! I have now managed to make him understand we can't do this anymore, basically because I came to the same point as you have but he doesn't want to know the whole picture and doesn't want to deal with the finances so I was a bit stuffed.

If your OH can help you along with this, all the better, but whilst I am doing this alone, I am doing this with help from the National Debtline who have been fantastic and I am determined that this is an end to any more borrowing. I am quite enjoying selling on ebay and thinking up ways of making money rather than borrowing knowing I will have to borrow more to repay it and don't get me wrong, my OH does his bit to try to save money, he just can't deal with it.

Honestly, the relief is a wonderful feeling and I am sure you will get there. X

tink28

Wow - sounds a lot like me.... always trying to keep up with his 'lifestyle'... I am fed up with payday loans, and then borrowing to pay for stuff.... Xmas is coming round way too quick and I dont even know how I'm going to pay for that... gotta find about £750 this month to pay people back! grrrrr