Taxi...from an ugly duckling to a swan

[Deleted User]

Sorry I haven't been on here to post for a while but I've had a catch-up now and although I haven't been around you've always been in my thoughts, Taxi.

What fabulous news to read on my return, Taxi, no wonder you are sounding so much more upbeat:j. Can't even begin to describe how happy I am for you. I'll be keeping everything crossed until you've had your next meeting with the head honcho and posted what he said.

Everyone, as ever, is giving you so much caring and helpful advice that I don't feel I can add anything else except.....

A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression. I've always been prey to it but somehow kept myself super-busy with career etc that nobody ever suspected anything until it all came crashing down on me one black day. Anyway, thanks to a wonderful GP who referred me for all sorts of help straight away I am now well again (have been for years and certainly off Prozac and all other antidepressants). At that stage I found it a nightmare to even leave the house, used to do my shopping at Tesco 24-hour supermarket at 2 in the morning so I wouldn't see many people etc. This was pre-internet shopping and home-delivery, otherwise I would never have left the safety of home at all:eek:. I wouldn't even open my curtains for days on end:o. I was off work for months and never returned to that particular post.

I had a couple of months of a 'regular' therapy group where a few of us (with all sorts of problems which we never really went into) just met for an hour a week and did various activities that involved a bit of talking and interacting etc but there was no pressure to say anything or join in. I don't think I said a word for the first fortnight but eventually dipped a toe in the water. I was so lucky that one of the therapists was starting up a Drama Therapy Group and and from this original therapy group I was selected for the Drama Therapy.

I was terrified the first few sessions but there were only 8 of us in the group and the leader was brilliant. We were never made to join in the various activities but everyone seemed to, however reluctantly. Pretending to be a different person/character became fun and I'm sure through it we could express our problems and difficulties in a veiled kind of way. So much easier than talking about our 'real' selves. I can honestly say it boosted my self-esteem no end and after the sessions ended (after about 1 a week for 3 months) I didn't feel the need for any more therapies of this type. I was able to go out more and begin to take up the reins of my 'normal' life.

I was also on the waiting list for Psychotherapy because despite the therapies designed to encourage people to interact and begin to get back into the world nothing was getting to the root of why the 'breakdown occurred in the first place. I eventually got a place after about 6 months waiting when I really didn't feel I needed it so much but the Psychiatrist obviously did! It was 1-to-1 with a Psychotherapist at the hospital in a very formal setting and I found it a nightmare. Maybe I didn't 'gel' with the therapist (who I certainly didn't feel I could tell things to and open up to) and after an hours drive to get there (and I'd lost all my confidence driving in heavy rush-hour traffic at this time:o) and horrendous parking problems I felt so stressed when I got into her office that I doubt anything would have worked:eek: . She didn't speak after the initial 'how are you, how do you feel today?' type of gambit. I certainly didn't feel able to pour anything out and we just sat there in embarrassed (by me at any rate) silence for at least three quarters of the hourly session:o. I recall getting quite angry at one stage and saying 'please just say something and ask me something to get me started'. I felt so bad about wasting their time and the valuable place that I dropped out after 3 sessions.

Sorry for rabbitting but I want you to know that I feel your pain and anguish, Taxi, not physically but you know what I mean. But I know that with the fantastic support of your OH and wonderful family you WILL get through this and be the happy person you have always been. I didn't have a supportive family set-up and that's partly why it was such a struggle but if I could get through it it will be a walk in the park for you with all the love and compassion that is surrounding you:A.

What I mean (in a very longwinded way!) is that some therapies are brilliant while others may be more of a problem than a help. It's 'horses for courses' really.

Have a lovely. restful and optimistic weekend, Taxi.
Take care
xxx

taxi73

Thanks everyone for the lovely posts.
The mental health team/psychologist seem to be helping as they have an outside view of me and are both lovely.They make me feel that I'm not going crazy.We have now established that I'm missing the social side of things as being a taxi driver I always had loads of interaction with all walks of life and now I don't see anyone except hospital people and my family..I haven't been to work since May 2010.
From jan 2011 and all that year I was getting myself back on track by going to WWs,getting my ECDL in the hope of getting ready for an office job and meeting up with friends for a walk/coffee...
2012 started by the bad mammo again and I spent many months back and forth before getting treatment....I felt traumatised and angry that it was back so soon and was obsessed that I was going to die and that chemo wouldn't work.I fought a battle every week to go in to the chemo unit and in the end I couldn't do it anymore...my body and mind shut down and I thought I was going crazy,I couldn't eat or sleep and suicide felt a good option at the time..I'd lost hope.I was no longer brave like I was the 1st time.I had hope back in those days and never shed a tear the 1st time around because I thought I could beat it.I still shudder and shake at the thought of chemo but the psycholgist is going to work with me to desensitise me to the chemo unit and hope I don't need to test the theory to see if it's worked.
I so hope that the breast cancer nurse was right in her interpretation

elantan

Taxi that was a very honest post there, thank you, I honestly think that post will help many people know that if they were to go through something like what you have had to endure that to feel the way you have is normal

taxi73

Thanks El.. that's very kind of you to say....I hope and pray that one day they'll find a cure and nobody will have to go through this.

beanielou

Lets be honest must be bad enough first time round but second time round must be dire as you know exactly what is coming.

kissjenn

You have been brave Taxi, please don't think you haven't.

Fingers crossed that Head Honcho news is exactly what you're hoping to hear.

xx

taxi73

I will have hubby and psychologist with me on weds whatever the news..then psych is planning to take me to new chem unit to have a look around..he's cancelled a meeting with CEO to do this as when it was arranged with him I had no idea whatsoever what the results would be

slowlyfading

What lovely news to read here's hoping that 2013 is definitely your year

Buffythedebtslayer

Oh Taxi you are amazing. I know maybe you don't feel it right this particular second but such honesty takes so much bravery.

Love Buffy xx

Karmacat

Taxi - you sound like you really understand your reactions to the past few years now, and especially that you understand you're not going crazy, I'm really pleased to hear that.

Carbootcrazy - such a difficult time you had! As you say, not a physical issue like Taxi's, but it crippled you for a long time, from the sound of it. I'm really glad to hear that you've got over it now.