Tesco Discussion chat & grabbits eleven +

HappyChappy84

caz2703 wrote: »

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

I love this one as the ex-in-laws are from this neck of the woods but they're classy - they live in Brentwood, the home of TOWIE (which I've never watched but get the distinct impression it doesn't help change peoples opinions of the area) :eek:

I've never watched it either, programmes like that just don't interest me. If I want my mind to go soft I'll drink a bottle of vodka and get some pleasure out of it rather than watch that s h 1 the.

3Dogs

Quiet in here now .................. HC have you cleared the room

Pinched this one from adoreholidays on drivel thread
WARNING Don't join the Tesco dating agency. My mate did and ended up with a bag for life.

HappyChappy84

An Engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates, St. Peter takes a look at his file and says, "Ah you're an Engineer

---

Your in the wrong place".

So, the engineer reports to the gate's of hell and is let in, Very soon the engineer gets very dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and sets about designing and building improvments, After a while they've got air con, flushing toilets and cold beer on tap, and the engineer and the devil are best friend's.

One day, God calls Satan up on the phone and says with a sneer, So, Hows it going down there in hell ?

Well, Satan replies, Things down here are going great, Weve got flushing toilets, air con and Ice cold beer on tap, There's no telling what my engineer is going to come up with next.

God replies, What ????? You've got an engineer ?????, That's a mistake---- He should never have gone down there to you, Send him back !!!!!.

Satan say's, No way, I like having an engineer on the staff, and im keeping him !!!!!

God say's, Send him up here to heavan or I'll sue !!!!!

Satan pis ses himself laughing and answers, "Yeah, Right, And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

HappyChappy84

3Dogs wrote: »

Quiet in here now .................. HC have you cleared the room

Pinched this one from adoreholidays on drivel thread
WARNING Don't join the Tesco dating agency. My mate did and ended up with a bag for life.

Probably,;)

sharon-p_2

HappyChappy84 wrote: »

Hangover ratings


***** 5 star hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.
Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy, you still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.

You´d cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't´t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let´s face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.

****** 6 star hangover

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.

You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.

No matter what you do you now, you´re going to chuck.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.

After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.

Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won´t relent.

You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day, as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.

You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.

Work is simply not an option.

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.

You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!

Omg happy you are on a roll tonight, this one nearly made me pee myself though to be honest, been there done that on several occasions
:beer::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

HappyChappy84

a kid comes home from school and asks his dad " whats the difference between theoretically and realistically" so his dad says " right son, go and ask yer mum if she would sleep with the milkman fer a million pounds" a few minutes later the lad comes back and says she would. "right"says his dad, "now go and ask yer sister if she would sleep with the postman fer a million pounds", a few minutes later the son comes back and says she would. "theres yer answer then" says the dad. "but i dont understand", the boy says. " ok son" says the dad " theoretically, we are living with 2 million quid, realistically,we are living with a pair of wh o r es"

French_Knickers

French_Knickers wrote: »

Can someone remind me, the £1 technika DVD players have a man on the fron, not the boy, is that correct?

Found loads of the value pink players but they scan at 20 quid. Found a big pile of leaf trays but beep up product recalled so had that swiped off me. Nice lady on SS did try manually inputting the bar code but same result.

Got plenty of dairy milk but now sat in the car park outsiee Tesco and have eaten 2 bars. Wonder if I can take the other 20 back for a refund? lol

Oh I found 2 of the 4.5 tog single duvets at £1.90 apart from that though, nothing much doing.

Update....

whoopsies, all 10p..

2 bunches finest flowers
1 punnet strawbs
1 punnet plums
1 melon
2 huge bags spuds
1 punnet mushrooms.

Found one scarf, but seemed a little toooo easy to find and at checkout was told I couldnt have it. She didn't say why, but either came up not on system or 4p. A right battle axe was watching over her too and despite my best attempts at humour during my repeated visits to have things scanned she didn't change facial expression once! Maybe its her technique not to get wrinkles, keep her skin as flat as possible!

Got one of the pocket torches for 50 odd pence, plenty lefy but only wanted one to toss in the glovebox for emergency use.

Oh, almost forgot, I found 1 morphy richards single electric blanket too but alas it scanned at full price!!! Disappointed with that as still after 2 more of these.

HappyChappy84

A Catholic man enters a confessional and says to the Priest, "Father, it's been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

Then, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been three months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green three times a week for the last three months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say twenty 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. She's wearing a very short skirt and bright emerald green stilettos.


The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes".

HappyChappy84

Last one for now..

Paddy and mick are at the morgue to identify the body of ther best mate Seamus who had been badly burnt. Paddy looks 1st then turns his body over, "naa thats not him". Mick looks, turns the body over, "no thats not Seamus' body." Doc asked both how they can be so sure? Paddy replies that when they were all out togther all the local folk would say "look there's Seamus with the two !!!!!!."

French_Knickers

HC, your doing very well with your Freddie Star impressions, but I'm afraid I still prefer Jimmy Carr. Its the way he tells em........