Am I wrong in this situation?

Bumpmakesfour

I sit and look at her thinking SHUUUUUUTTTT UP woman..but am very fortunate that DS has aspergers and is very ummm direct.So when she repeats herself for the thousandth time he'll go.."you do know you already said that 47 times" or similar.I'll never forget a time we visited and she was obviously trying out some new lippy..DS turned round after watching her for a bit and simply said.." you have brown gunk on your teeth,did you know?"..gotta love him :rotfl::rotfl:

BugglyB

Well, my OHs family can be a nightmare too so I sympathise with you.

What you say might be true about OH being kicked down the stairs or whatever, but these are his battles and he has to choose how to fight them. Your role is as cheerleader and supporter. Take your cue from him.

shellsuit

I ignore the inlaws now.

They ignore us (plus their only grandchild, but that's another story!) all year, so I won't pretend for 1 or 2 days a year.

The last time they were meant to be coming here, I went out. Only they never bloody showed so I'd traipsed around in the snow for an hour for sod all lol

I don't like them, they don't like me (I was never good enough for my husband, being 5 years older with 2 children) and my husband knows that and understands.

I have tried and tried with them over the years, but they're ignorant selfish sods and I don't need or want people like that in my life.

BugglyB

Nimeth wrote: »

Thanks for responding, given me a lot to think about! I guess I needed some different perspectives to see it another way.

I suppose it's human to be frustrated with the people that push my buttons, for whatever reason. I haven't tried to talk to OH's parents about their treatment of the two of them for a while now, it wasn't changing anything from either point of view, so I dropped it.

Meritaten, I've seen the narcissism thread but not the other. Will go have a read through that one. I've tried to tell OH that he doesn't have to go round the house if he doesn't want to, but he chooses too. I certainly don't want to come between him and his family, that's not my intention.

Those of you who think I should grin and bear it, do you have any coping mechanisms that I could use or is it just a case of gritting your teeth?

Have a lot of experience with coping mechanisms!

- Always have a set time to leave 'we'll have to get off by 2 because of babysitter/traffic/whatever' announce as soon as you get there! and stick to it!

- While they are wittering on - find a magazine to flick through or a newspaper to read.

- choose the least offensive member of the family and stick to them like glue - or, sometimes there is a boring uncle charlie - get him started on trains or whatever and stick with that instead of listening to poisonous drivel

- say to OH - 'I dont want to go to your parents, darling, but I will, because I love you and your happiness is important to me' - and then bask in the glow of your own matyrdom (I particularly enjoy this one)

- try different tactics - be overly nice, be cold and distant, find one that works for you

- DONT GET INVOLVED IN THE FAMILY POLITICS! YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE ANYTHING! if she starts on about how brilliant SIL is, join in! 'oh that sounds wonderful, how fantastic, isn't she brilliant'. or, completely ignore her! 'goodness mabel are those new curtains?'

I dont know if you guys have children but one day if you do, imagine how you would feel if in 25 years time one of their partners started questioning about how you'd brought them up. I'm not saying you're not right, but you won't achieve anything except a bigger rift. They're never, never going to say to you, 'you're right, we should have done this/that/the other differently.

Have strength, remember what my mum always said 'rise above it!'.

stroodes

My mil and fil seperated 10 years ago so visit them seperately, love mil, fil am fond of but would like to choke him, leaves us feeling drained after a visit, is the woe is me type of guy but would rather feel drained than the feeling of guilt if we didn't visit, and it's me that makes hubby vist his dad as other siblings don't visit ( prob cause of the draining feeling ).

Wickedkitten

I don't think you are being selfish at all and I applaud you trying to keep the peace for your OH's sake.

euronorris

DVardysShadow wrote: »

If you have made your mind up, stick to your guns. Don't play ultimatums either , because it detracts from your statement of principle.

And tell your OH not to make excuses for you. He should just be honest.

My OH is a very private person, and he's not good around crowds, or meeting new people in big groups. So there were quite a few occasions where he refused to come with me to an event, and I would get upset and say 'I don't want to have to make excuses for you.' and he would always reply 'Then don't. Be honest about why I'm not going.'. And so I was, and most people understood. My family especially. Once they met him in smaller groups, he was happier to come to the big events and they have all noticed how much he has relaxed.

But really, one of my biggest issues with him not going was feeling like other people would judge him, and our relationship poorly. So just being honest, really was the best policy.

However, with all that said, your situation is different. His family are unlikely to change now, so I think you need to have a discussion with him about what you are willing to put up with from them, and what you find unacceptable and also what he is willing to put up with etc. That way, you understand each other's limits and hopefully it won't cause so many issues in future, because it won't come as a surprise to him.

Empty_pockets

It's a free feed. Might as well go!

GobbledyGook

Nimeth wrote: »

Those of you who think I should grin and bear it, do you have any coping mechanisms that I could use or is it just a case of gritting your teeth?

Smile sweetly, but use your tongue to write the words you'd like to say on the roof of your mouth.