Am I wrong in this situation?

Nimeth

Am I being selfish or not? Tonight my OH expected me to go with him to his mother's to have dinner at hers for her birthday. My SiL was also there, with the latest boyfriend in tow. I protested that I did not want to go, as the environment stresses me out and I just can't deal with it anymore, quite aside from the fact that I'm not feeling well at the moment anyway.

Bit of background to the above, my OH is the eldest and only son of 3. He is also the least favourite child and is treated as such. We're rarely spoken to unless someone wants something doing for them. My OH's help is usually taken for granted, just recently his SiL asked to borrow his digital multimeter, even though we bought her one for Christmas last year. We said no, we needed it and she has a habit of either losing the item, damaging it or 'acquiring' it for herself. His mother and sister begged us to let her use it, promising that she'd be careful with it. We still said no, which annoyed them. She expects to given what she asks for and gets !!!!y when she isn't given it.

His SiL is the favoured child, outings or evenings in with his parents usually involve his mother talking about the sister all the time. 'XXXX is doing this, XXXX is doing that. XXXX's car is broken again, can you fix it for her?' We went on holiday in May, OH wanted to share his pictures with them. They took a cursory look at a couple and then proceeded to talk for 30 minutes or so about SiL's new car. This upset OH greatly as he feels that they're not at all interested in his life, which in turn !!!!ed me off. The relationship between SiL and I is...somewhat strained to say the least. She accused me and OH of breaking up her and a previous boyfriend (impossible actually since I wasn't even in the country at the time and she hadn't even met me yet). I tried to repair relations with her but she threw it back in my face.

I have tried on a number of occasions to do the adult thing and sit down to talk out the situation with my MiL over the way she favours SiL and how it makes OH and I feel, but every time she makes an excuse and runs off. The one time I did manage to talk to her about it (we were in the car so she couldn't run off), she made all sorts of excuses for her behaviour and SiL's behaviour and didn't really listen to a word I said. There have been times that I've nearly cried from frustration over the whole thing. My mother rather astutely informs me that my MiL behaves this way because she perceives her daughter as more off the rails and therefore needs more help and attention whereas her son has a wife, a good job, a roof over his head and is able to pay his bills therefore doesn't need as much attention. Probably true, but personally I don't think that's a very good excuse for favouring one child over the other. My mother raised me and my half-sisters just the same despite the large age difference between me and the two of them. If I complained about something my mother was doing, my sisters often said 'Don't sweat it too much, she treated us the same way at your age'.

I've been trying to deal with this for 8 years and finally come to the end of my tether. 5 minutes in a room with them is enough to drive me up the wall. So I no longer go around the house. It's my way of keeping the peace, so I won't getting completely fed up and say something I may later regret or would end up coming between OH and his family. Also, his mother somehow manages to push every one of my pet peeves, particularly invading my personal space. I'm a very private person who doesn't like to be constantly touched by others. She on the other hand will, without fail, practically stand on my feet if she wants to ask me something, or suddenly leans in to my face despite me telling her numerous times I don't like her doing that as it makes me extremely uncomfortable. She doesn't listen to me at all, which really gets my back up.

Which brings me back around to tonight. OH gets annoyed with me that I won't go and says he doesn't like making excuses for me. Now I feel guilty for not going because I've upset him. On the other hand, the thought of going to his parents fills me with complete dread as I know they'll behave as they always do and if I say anything at all about it, I'll get a telling off. OH told me to take a book or watch tv to distract myself from their antics, but the last time I did that, he told me off for being awkward and a spoilsport! I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place with this. OH's parents and sister drive him completely nuts, he freely admits that and avoids them as much as he can too, but he feels that I should suck it up every so often and just deal with them. I feel like I shouldn't have to subject myself to that environment unless it's an emergency, though I am having difficulty getting that across to OH. So am I being childish about this or not?

Thanks for listening to my rambling and ranting. Advice/constructive criticism is very much appreciated!

FagAshLil

If you love him, you are going to have to put up with his loved ones every now and then, no matter how annoying they are.

Sorry.

Auntie-Dolly

I think if your Husband wants you there you should go & suport him. Be polite, don't let them get you down or wound up. Rise above it, come home & scream! Like the old saying goes: you can choose your friends, but not your family.

DVardysShadow

If you have made your mind up, stick to your guns. Don't play ultimatums either , because it detracts from your statement of principle.

thorsoak

Sorry - but my first instinct was to think "you miserable little **** - your OH wants you to go with him to say Happy Birthday to his mum - and you won't go - how peevish can you get?".

And as I read through the whole of your post - well, I still think the same! Suck it in, for your OH's sake, you should go round and wish her happy birthday! Haven't you heard of good manners?

Just because she behaves in a certain way doesn't mean you should!

zaksmum

You should go with him to see his mum on her birthday. Put a smile on your face and pretend you're happy to be there.

We all have to put up with annoying in laws, for the sake of marital harmony.

shell_girl

I think that perhaps you should have gone to be honest. The way he is treated by his family probably mean he would appreciate your support while he is there.

I understand that you have your own issues with the way his mum and sister behave, and I do feel for you. However, for something like a birthday meal, I would have gritted my teeth and coped with it for a few hours. If nothing else, you can offer him a supportive squeeze of the hand under the table when it gets too much.

They are the only mum and sisters he will ever have, and while they sound like a nightmare, they are his nightmare, not yours. Your job in this situation is to back him up, and bite your tongue a bit about the things they do that annoy you.

Rant all you need to on here, or to your own family or friends, and listen to him if he wants a rant about them, but try not to join in too much. He is choosing to have a relationship with them under difficult circumstances, try and do what you can to make that easier for him.

If all of the above fails, bury the bodies deep in a remote location ;-)

ska_lover

You talk of favoring 'children' but you do sound like adults to me..

I totally understand the 'giving more attention to the off the rails member of the family' cos it happened to me, and I was the good one. I don't begrudge it though - I think some parents do have the need to spend more time on one child than another.

And as for being bitter because they didn't want to look at your holiday snaps, I can't think of a more boring pastime than browsing over someones holiday snaps, it always comes across as they are rubbing peoples faces in it, and I wouldn't be remotely interested in seeing a family members pictures either. I'm not suprised they think you are being a spoilsport if you go round to visit and sit watching tele or reading a book, its verging on rudeness IMHO. There sounds a lot of petty jealousy and bitterness between you and your SIL. How do you know, in the car that time, that your MIL was making excuses, they might well be reasons. If you come across as stand-offish then they really have no reason to make an effort with you.

Proc

Nimeth wrote: »

Am I being selfish or not?

Extremely. Not to mention childish. It reads like something a 7 year old would write full of "he said, she said".

She doesn't listen to me at all, which really gets my back up.

I wouldn't listen to you either if you talk as much crap as you write.

Just go around and show your face. You don't like this woman - you've made that clear. But just do it for your husband.

j.e.j.

It's only for one evening so unless they really are awful/aggressive/unbearable (!!) why not just go. It'll look a bit odd otherwise and your OH will feel awkward, having to explain your absence.

shell_girl

Sorry, just wanted to add something to my earlier post. You mention that you have tried to raise the subject of unequal treatment with his mother, please don't do this any more. It's not your place. If your OH feels strongly enough about it to raise it with his mother then he and he alone should be the one to do it