A humourous open letter to Vodafone CEO Guy Laurence

texranger

Sparkius wrote: »

My second letter to Vodafone CEO Guy Laurence... Enjoy!

Dear Guy,

Thank you for your lack of response to my previous correspondence. It is refreshing to know that your help desk staff are simply following your own personal guidelines for lack of customer care and not behaving with maverick disregard for company policy.

Had your personal assistant bothered to forward my letter to you, rather than spending her time popping in and out of her Facebook account, I am sure that you would have marvelled at the incompetence detailed within.

For your reference, I include a copy of the aforementioned Letter 1 herein. Why am I bothering to waste my valuable time, you ask? And again, I really don't know?

You'll be delighted to hear that I made my fourth phone call to your help desk staff this afternoon. Apologies for using my work phone network but I am currently without a Vodaphone handset. See Letter 1: Points 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5.

I was enthralled to speak with Shareem, another friendly Asian fellow who delighted in telling me that none (that's right NONE, zippo, zilch) of my five email attempts had been registered on to your system!? Shareem also went on, with some zeal, to inform me that all three of my phone calls had been logged but was deflated to be unable to pinpoint exactly why none of his less excited colleagues had bothered to respond?

During our conversation, Shareem showed himself to be a shining light amongst the flock of disinterested dullards that drag their sorry carcasses to your help desk office each morning, and came up with an idea!

Sit down, Guy! It's true!! This fellow actually broke free from the chains of Vodafone protocol and rose above the mound of bewildered morons around him to vocalise an actual thought that had popped into his own head!!

"Are you using the SAFARI web browser?" asked Shareem like an over-excited child.

"Why, yes I am" I responded "After all, it is the browser that ships with every Apple Mac around the globe"

"Yes, yes, that's it" cried Shareem, almost wetting his company approved Vodafone trousers! "Our website DOESN'T WORK WITH SAFARI!!!"

During the resulting silence, I struggled to maintain my mental stabilty, while it sounded as though Shareem was bouncing around the help desk office like a over-excited safari chimp!? (Sorry, did I mention 'Safari"!!!)

I left Shareem, roaring and thumping his triumphant chest amongst his lesser skilled counterparts and proceeded to download the suggested alternative and 'guaranteed to work' web browser FIREFOX.

Guess what, Guy! It didn't work! Yep, you heard me... no cigar!? (See the attached image for your reference)

Can you believe what you have just read, Guy? Read it again, it's incredible isn't it!? I'm just a disgruntled customer, but you actually have to wake up each morning with the aim of steering this team of !!!!!! primates!

Needless to say that having experienced the ineptitude of Vodafone for just over a month, I am already a weary shadow of my former self. Experiencing it every waking day must make you want to blow your own highly-educated brains out?

I'm talking to you in the first person Guy, but of course, I realise that the chances of you actually seeing this letter are remoter than West Bromwich Albion finishing in the top half of the Premiership table!?

I look forward to hearing from you in due course, Guy. We've never spoken and, on current form, we probably never will... but I feel that we've connected?

Wouldn't it be great if the same could be said for my 'still unreplaced' Vodafone handset?

Yours in vain hope
Steve Parker[/FONT]

if i every received a letter like that then.

1) your account would be closed
2) debt passed to debt collection agency
3) you would be reported for racial abuse

Sparkius

Folks,

I don't believe that describing Shareem as a friendly Asian fellow makes me a racist? I am genuinely amazed at that response. This is a world gone mad!?

bagand96

Have you ever read, or did you have in front of you, the famous "Dear Richard" letter that did the Internet rounds last year after being sent to the bloke with the beard who runs airlines and trains?

Techhead_2

Is there no need for such sarcasm?

Sparkius wrote: »

Folks,

I don't believe that describing Shareem as a friendly Asian fellow makes me a racist? I am genuinely amazed at that response. This is a world gone mad!?

I think your letter unnecessarily refers to race. I also think describing someone as an Asian and a monkey IS racist. But given the overall tone of the letter I'm not surprised.

I understand you are frustrated at the broken procedures in Vodafone, but a sarcastic, insultingand patronising letter is not the best way to solve it.

Rockaway_BabyDoll

Is there no need for such sarcasm?

Sparkius wrote: »

Folks,

I don't believe that describing Shareem as a friendly Asian fellow makes me a racist? I am genuinely amazed at that response. This is a world gone mad!?

All I know is, if you were my father/brother/other family member/friend and you told me you sent that; after reading it I'd be ashamed of you. Not least for the race issue, but for using so many exclamation marks (especially consecutively) in what should be a formal letter. :rotfl: