A humourous open letter to Vodafone CEO Guy Laurence

Sparkius

My second letter to Vodafone CEO Guy Laurence... Enjoy!

Dear Guy,

Thank you for your lack of response to my previous correspondence. It is refreshing to know that your help desk staff are simply following your own personal guidelines for lack of customer care and not behaving with maverick disregard for company policy.

Had your personal assistant bothered to forward my letter to you, rather than spending her time popping in and out of her Facebook account, I am sure that you would have marvelled at the incompetence detailed within.

For your reference, I include a copy of the aforementioned Letter 1 herein. Why am I bothering to waste my valuable time, you ask? And again, I really don't know?

You'll be delighted to hear that I made my fourth phone call to your help desk staff this afternoon. Apologies for using my work phone network but I am currently without a Vodaphone handset. See Letter 1: Points 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5.

I was enthralled to speak with Shareem, another friendly Asian fellow who delighted in telling me that none (that's right NONE, zippo, zilch) of my five email attempts had been registered on to your system!? Shareem also went on, with some zeal, to inform me that all three of my phone calls had been logged but was deflated to be unable to pinpoint exactly why none of his less excited colleagues had bothered to respond?

During our conversation, Shareem showed himself to be a shining light amongst the flock of disinterested dullards that drag their sorry carcasses to your help desk office each morning, and came up with an idea!

Sit down, Guy! It's true!! This fellow actually broke free from the chains of Vodafone protocol and rose above the mound of bewildered morons around him to vocalise an actual thought that had popped into his own head!!

"Are you using the SAFARI web browser?" asked Shareem like an over-excited child.

"Why, yes I am" I responded "After all, it is the browser that ships with every Apple Mac around the globe"

"Yes, yes, that's it" cried Shareem, almost wetting his company approved Vodafone trousers! "Our website DOESN'T WORK WITH SAFARI!!!"

During the resulting silence, I struggled to maintain my mental stabilty, while it sounded as though Shareem was bouncing around the help desk office like a over-excited safari chimp!? (Sorry, did I mention 'Safari"!!!)

I left Shareem, roaring and thumping his triumphant chest amongst his lesser skilled counterparts and proceeded to download the suggested alternative and 'guaranteed to work' web browser FIREFOX.

Guess what, Guy! It didn't work! Yep, you heard me... no cigar!? (See the attached image for your reference)

Can you believe what you have just read, Guy? Read it again, it's incredible isn't it!? I'm just a disgruntled customer, but you actually have to wake up each morning with the aim of steering this team of !!!!!! primates!

Needless to say that having experienced the ineptitude of Vodafone for just over a month, I am already a weary shadow of my former self. Experiencing it every waking day must make you want to blow your own highly-educated brains out?

I'm talking to you in the first person Guy, but of course, I realise that the chances of you actually seeing this letter are remoter than West Bromwich Albion finishing in the top half of the Premiership table!?

I look forward to hearing from you in due course, Guy. We've never spoken and, on current form, we probably never will... but I feel that we've connected?

Wouldn't it be great if the same could be said for my 'still unreplaced' Vodafone handset?

Yours in vain hope
Steve Parker[/FONT]

grumbler

Well, it's not spam, but after reading the first few lines I had an irrational urge to click the Spam button and I've done this.

To clarify: if several members click this button. the entire thread gets deleted.

Tim.Cloudnine

Did this letter make you smile?

LMAO, I love what you did there with the primate thumping his chest. Could actually picture it all in my head. Good on you.

danlojo

Well it brightened my day

gjchester

Sparkius wrote: »

Had your personal assistant bothered to forward my letter to you, rather than spending her time popping in and out of her Facebook account,

So given you start off by insulting the PA who will probably open the letter or email exactly what chance do you think this will get through her?

bigdave196

If you actually sent that letter in that hideous bold Courier New font, then it's no wonder he didn't read it

crazyguy

Yep I bet you get a very positive response back, I also think they will offer you a free iphone 4 on a 10 year free contract at no cost what so ever, if it were me reading that email I would close your account send it to the debt collectors and also tell you where to go.

Sparkius

Just to prove that sarcasm can work...
(Oh and I believe that the Courier issue may be a browser error

Mr Parker, please accept my apologies. I have searched for your previous email in both myself and Guy's in boxes and can find nothing, which is why you haven't received a response (certainly not because I've been popping in & out of my Facebook account let me assure you).

I'll ask someone from Guy's team to look at this ASAP and contact you, and apologies again for the delay.

Regards,
Tracey.

Tracey Harpwood
Personal Assistant to CEO, Guy Laurence

.....

Dear Tracey,

Thank you for your unnervingly prompt response and apologies for my comments regarding your daytime social networking activity. It would appear that we have had a breakdown on the email communication front - a phenomenon with which I am becoming somewhat familiar. I look forward to hearing back from Guy in due course.

Should your email facility continue to have difficulties, please feel free to contact me by post at:

XXXXXX

PS: If your response should include a 'phone sized package' of some description and I am not in to receive it - I have found that my cat-flap serves as an ideal parcel portal.

Kindest regards
Steven Parker

....

Dear Mr Parker,

Thank you for your prompt reply and providing the necessary details.

I have attached a copy of your proof of purchase letter to this email and so this can either be forwarded to your insurance company or as it is on letter head, it can be printed should they require a hard copy.

With reference to the time this has taken and the inconvenience caused to you in attempting to resolve this relatively simple matter, I have credited your Vodafone account with the credit equivalent of 3 months free line rental equating to a one off credit of £78 including VAT. I can also assure you that as your complaint has been brought to the attention of the directors office, feedback will be given to the customer service teams involved in this issue to date with a view of improving the level of service offered in the future.

I trust this resolves the matter for you however should you have any further questions, please feel free to get back to me and I’ll be happy to help any way I can.

Kind regards,

Nick Buxton
Directors Office
For and on behalf of
Guy Laurence

Rockaway_BabyDoll

Is there no need for such sarcasm?

Why does it matter that Shareem is Asian? I don't think I've EVER needed to mention someone's ethnicity when complaining or complimenting them for their service. I think it shows prejudice at worst, ignorance at best.

Sparkius wrote: »

My second letter to Vodafone CEO Guy Laurence... Enjoy!

Dear Guy,

Thank you for your lack of response to my previous correspondence. It is refreshing to know that your help desk staff are simply following your own personal guidelines for lack of customer care and not behaving with maverick disregard for company policy.

Had your personal assistant bothered to forward my letter to you, rather than spending her time popping in and out of her Facebook account, I am sure that you would have marvelled at the incompetence detailed within.

For your reference, I include a copy of the aforementioned Letter 1 herein. Why am I bothering to waste my valuable time, you ask? And again, I really don't know?

You'll be delighted to hear that I made my fourth phone call to your help desk staff this afternoon. Apologies for using my work phone network but I am currently without a Vodaphone handset. See Letter 1: Points 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5.

I was enthralled to speak with Shareem, another friendly Asian fellow who delighted in telling me that none (that's right NONE, zippo, zilch) of my five email attempts had been registered on to your system!? Shareem also went on, with some zeal, to inform me that all three of my phone calls had been logged but was deflated to be unable to pinpoint exactly why none of his less excited colleagues had bothered to respond?

During our conversation, Shareem showed himself to be a shining light amongst the flock of disinterested dullards that drag their sorry carcasses to your help desk office each morning, and came up with an idea!

Sit down, Guy! It's true!! This fellow actually broke free from the chains of Vodafone protocol and rose above the mound of bewildered morons around him to vocalise an actual thought that had popped into his own head!!

"Are you using the SAFARI web browser?" asked Shareem like an over-excited child.

"Why, yes I am" I responded "After all, it is the browser that ships with every Apple Mac around the globe"

"Yes, yes, that's it" cried Shareem, almost wetting his company approved Vodafone trousers! "Our website DOESN'T WORK WITH SAFARI!!!"

During the resulting silence, I struggled to maintain my mental stabilty, while it sounded as though Shareem was bouncing around the help desk office like a over-excited safari chimp!? (Sorry, did I mention 'Safari"!!!)

I left Shareem, roaring and thumping his triumphant chest amongst his lesser skilled counterparts and proceeded to download the suggested alternative and 'guaranteed to work' web browser FIREFOX.

Guess what, Guy! It didn't work! Yep, you heard me... no cigar!? (See the attached image for your reference)

Can you believe what you have just read, Guy? Read it again, it's incredible isn't it!? I'm just a disgruntled customer, but you actually have to wake up each morning with the aim of steering this team of !!!!!! primates!

Needless to say that having experienced the ineptitude of Vodafone for just over a month, I am already a weary shadow of my former self. Experiencing it every waking day must make you want to blow your own highly-educated brains out?

I'm talking to you in the first person Guy, but of course, I realise that the chances of you actually seeing this letter are remoter than West Bromwich Albion finishing in the top half of the Premiership table!?

I look forward to hearing from you in due course, Guy. We've never spoken and, on current form, we probably never will... but I feel that we've connected?

Wouldn't it be great if the same could be said for my 'still unreplaced' Vodafone handset?

Yours in vain hope
Steve Parker

Tim.Cloudnine

Did this letter make you smile?

Tutut Tracey and her social networking activities. xD

crazyguy

I think this is all made up and that the OP is indeed away with the fairy's