Help for my daughter ...where to start?

natters_2

it also seems his parents are very similar to my exes - when mine punched me in the face splitting my nose open and giving me two lovely black eyes their response was oh dear what did you do to annoy him this time (it was because he had spent the whole months money - food, rent, electric bills etc)in the pub - it seems that she would get a similar response from his parents

misspoppy

Hi

I understand that you want to help your daughter but she needs to do it for herself. Having been in a similar situation at a similar age, but without the debt problems, I wouldn't listen, love can be a very strong thing.

My parents wouldn't see my bf etc but it took years for me to see the light. When I did it was a big mess by then, and I didn't tell a soul, I felt like a failure it was my ex that told my Dad what had been happening.

You have done the right thing, you have shown her how to sort out the mess, you have told her she can come home and you've arranged some apts for her, if she doesn't follow up on this you will have to stand back and let her get threatened with eviction, face the wrath of the council for not paying the council tax etc only then will she learn that she can't hide from it.

I would keep telling her that she can come home but not every conversation just when she may need to hear it, but you can't solve her problems for her 1) she doesnt want to hear it
2) she needs to learn for her self

Try not to worry she will learn, lets face it this lad will let her down its just a matter of time.

Mrs_J_3

I'm so sorry to read this, hugs to you all.

Unfortunately your daughter believes that she loves him and he loves her, her mind will be made up and you have to be careful not to push her away. I know you have her best interests at heart, and losing this schmuck is most definitely in her best interests, but she wont see it that way.

I think it's incredibly important you maintian a good relationship with your daughter, even if it means biting your tongue around this clown. He'll cut ties if he can, makes it easier to spend her money, and if you don't make the effort, she may not be able to. Just be carfeul you anger at this fool doesn't push her away. I think it might be worth speaking to some vulnerable/abused women charities for further advice. You can't make her have a lightbulb moment with regards to him, but you need to make sure your there when she does, as she'll need support to get rid of him.

Best of luck, and I hope she realises what he really is sooner rather than later.

nemo183

My heart goes out to you - what a mess.

Your original post asked "where to start?". For what it's worth, I'd suggest the most help you can be is just to be there for her, and make sure she knows you are. I doubt there's any value in arguing the case for her to take a reality check - it may even be counter productive.

I'd certainly start a personal diary of everything that happens, with times, dates and places.

I have two close friends who both have girls in similar situations. One has tried a policy of maximum personal intervention (you can probably imagine....) and has only succeeded in losing all contact.

Although it's of no help to you, it seems that it's usually - if not always - woman that make these choices, with all of the consequences - can anyone suggest why this should be so?

Finally, for what it's worth - and it's hard - my other friend has just focussed on any tiny positive thing she can do for her girl, and ignored everything else. My personal observation is that this has been a more effective approach, but it's still heartbreaking.

Hang on in, and I hope things get easier.

JGWT8M

Cacran wrote:

I can't get it out of my head that he pushed he out of the flat in her nightclothes into the communal lobby and locked her out for a few hours in the night. Not far from being raped or murdered in my eyes, am I paranoid?

No you are not paranoid and as a Father, if I was in your position, I'd feel exactly the same (actually I don't know if I could be so restrained as you've been).

But as other posters say you've got to be careful that you either don't alienate her or give him more amo with which he can twist you girls head up so much she doesn't know what to do and then maybe won't turn to you.

We had exactly same situation about 3 years ago with my (then) 18 year old, know everything, "he's having problems I love him dearly, he loves me too" sister-in-law - in the end we left if be and "were there for her if she needed it" but she had to see the light herself. My wife and her mum tried countless times to show her he was a nasty bit of work but everytime they did it just drove her closer to him and further from us, he was crafty and would only hit her on parts of her body that could be covered up easily and was a master at mental abuse, eventually she saw the light and I gladly removed him from the property, but she needs to ask you for help rather than you forcing it onto her.

Uniscots97

I speak from experience on this one. She does have to ask for help herself. A number of years ago I was in a similar situation. I barely spoke to my family two years. Finally I saw through him as did our flatmates! Yes, we were sharing a house with other people and he'd even managed to hide most of it from them. The finaly straw was when I was injured in an accident driving a car given to us by his parents (yet funny I had to pay ALL costs for car even though he earned more!). The car's brakes failed and the car split in two. Is the correct term 'cut and shut'? After the police impounded the vehicle and lengthy interview asking where we'd gotten the car etc I was bounced off of walls because it was my fault and I'd made his parents look like liars and criminals. This was even though I'd told police that his parents didn't know much about cars and I didn't think they'd buy a dangerous car deliberately for us to use. He was more concerned about his parents reputation than me. Then I found out that the money (half the insurance payment) I'd given him to sort out insurance he hadn't done as we'd agreed and insure the car fully comp..........he'd only insured it third party so we got nothing back.

I made a call when he went out (after he'd taken money from my purse) and called my parents, crying and asking for their help. Two weeks later I was back home and with a new job. That was over 7 years ago. I have my own house now. Yes I'm in debt but I'm dealing with it. I got away and I survived thats all that matters. Your daughter sounds a strong person and I'm sure like me she'll get through it. I'm still hoping to settle down one day.

ktb

Your home needs to be a haven for her when she needs it. Not a place full of "I told you so's" and negativity. No one is saying you need to embrace this scumbag - but you seem to be playing the blame game alot and that isnt healthy for anyone. You need to support your adult daughters choices in so much as she is an adult and cant be told "you must or mustn't do this"... if she starts listening to that you are manipulating her just as much as he is (tho obviously out of love not cruelty) but it is manipulation none the less and wont help her become a strong adult woman who independantly makes good choices.

The indications are that she definitely isnt over this guy just yet - you are going to have to ride out the rest of this relationship until she seen the light (and she will!). The best thing you can do for her at the moment is give positive advice when she asks (eg about how to deal with the debts) but let her do the sorting out herself and keep schtum about the boyfriend as much as you can. You cant stand him.... She'll have gotten the point by now and will prob feel like she is betraying you by going back to him etc. Dont punish her even more than she will punish herself - keep your mouth shut.

Cacran

You are all so nice and I am grateful to all of you for what you say, sometimes you can get so caught up in it all that you can't see the wood for the trees!!!!! My husband and I have decided to take a step back, let her sort it out. It will make us ill if we continue trying to help and being blamed for it, in a way. As for letting him back in. I am not sure of that. I will find it almost impossible to talk to him or look at him. I am sure he will be too ashamed to want to see us and I am sure that he no longer even likes us, not that he ever did. I will have to wait and see if time proves us wrong. I do not think she will confide in us again. I want to stress to her that we will always be here for her if or when she needs us.she says that if she does continue a relationship which is more than platonic, and he does attack her again, that will be it. I am not so sure of that one. anyway, she may just give him the one more chance, then another and another. No point speculatng on her behalf. I can hold my hand up to being a bit nosey with her but if you knew her, you would understand why.
I am going to text her each day and say 'U okay' for a while at least, just to remind her we are there. Leave it at that.
Can't say how much I appreciate all your kind help. It is heart warming to think that so many people take their time to reply.

JGWT8M

don't ban him from your house, that was the mistake our lot made and they never saw their daughter for months, she will choose to stay with him rather than face the consequencies when she goes home.

I just told me little sis that we were here if she needed us, and not to hide anything from us, she made me promise not to hurt him so I think that helped a bit and eventually after he'd smacked her about once too many times she went home to mum for protection, just bite your lip, you'll know when she is covering for him from now on, so don't get angry just say you know something is wrong and she knows where you are if she needs you and you won't be angry with her if he's done something. Quiet often our anger at him for hurting her can be misunderstood as being angry at them for making the same mistake again.

I kept my promise as well, but he still runs when he see's me

Cacran

To be honest, it's hard to not ban him from our house now as I said to her that no matter what, I would not go back on it. Even if I were to, my husband would not. I can not bear to see him anymore after what her has put our daughter through. I will stress to her that she can confide if all goes wrong, without recriminations. that she can come home anytime to visit or to stay or live. I will tell her I am not going talk about the subject again unless she wants to.
She didn't contact us last night, my husband said not to contact her either, which was hard. I will not be able to keep that up but for our own sanity, we have to get on with things, try to put it out of our heads and leave things to pan out, impossible as it may seem.
In her mind she is waiting to see if he does pay off this debt, does learn to live within his means and does change his bad ways, then she is going to decide where the relationship goes. In my mind, she will have him back before he proves himself, either way. In the meantime she will need to sort herself out, rentwise, either get a girlfriend to move in or live on very little. That's all I can think of to do. Thanks to all of you, it has helped me a great deal.