Help for my daughter ...where to start?

Cacran

Chevalier, she is welcome to live here at anytime, just doesn't want to come home if she can help it. Work 2 mins down road and about an hour from here now she has changed jobs. I know it is doable but locked ito contract to June I think anyway. She could sort out lock change but is still in denial that he is a serious threat. I think he is, personally but heck, what do I know, I'm only 51, she's 22 and knows practically everything!

skintas_2

he sounds a nasty peice if work, dosmetic violence violent and emotional abuse. people who play mine games. i have a ex friend who i thought was a friend, people told me she was jealous of me, didnt belivee them. dont bother goin to speak to his parents he probably told them loads of lies about you.sounds like he need to see a doctor, spilt personality. you know what they say, nowt as queer as folk........

JGWT8M

The only advise I can give is to keep all the texts on her phone for evidence, if they continue it's harrasement and I feel you may have to take control and get a restraining order against him, there is a clear history of violence and everything is in the open the situation has changed dramatically.

Maybe something to ask the CAB about as well, is whether she was forced to gain credit under duress (sorry about the spelling), a friend of mine had a similar experience when her boyfriend forced her to sign a mobile phone contract and then run up huge bills on it in her name, after she saw the light and it all came out into the open, the situation was explained to the phone company (that she signed the agreement due to the threat of violence if she didn't) they agreed she was not liable and as far as I know, she's heard nothing more and the guy, for info, is rotting in jail.

Same place this guy should be if you ask me.

The parents don't want him to go see her without them or someone present. Implying that she could make false allegations.

Could also be that they don't trust him either, especially if this is a case of history repeating itself like it looks like.

Cacran

Update,- Daughter seen him last night. He is going to move back with parents rent free. Is going to pay £650 per month from his salary until debt is cleared, he says. She wants to support him, she loves him, same old story. He has changed into the person she knew when she met him, the one in control, his old self. I remember only a year ago when she met him, she was not sure about him, he was very moody, she said. He wasn't kind, didn't see her home or se her onto the bus or into a taxi etc. Oh there were moments when he could be a bit of a charmer, I agree. But he was never a lad who acted his age. I thought he was late 20's not 19, got a shock at that. Shge admits that she wasn't allowed to confide in me and even if she hadn't he thought she had. She still wants to be there for him. For the first time she has got him to break down, he is at rock bottom and now he is down to basics it can be built on. I think it is only a matter of something else getting on top of him before he snaps again. She says if he does, that will be it............. I have stuck to my guns and said that if she is with him we will not visit her and he will not be welcome here. I would never turn her away but not be involved with him in any way. I told her that his parents are not sure if she is telling the right story. She is abit shocked but says that I had said too much to them all in one go and it was a bit much for them all to take in. It was their son after all that I was critisising. Thgis lad has a foul mouth. Has used the F word when speaking to me from the first time we met. She told him I was mad with him but he still kept forgetting. I kept telling him that I didn't like it and after a while her stopped. His parents find it hard to believe as he has never sworn in front of them and all friends, family, neighbours etc. think he has such good manners. He told me that my daughter swears like a trouper. I have never heard her swear and have heard her friends say that Katy doesn't get drunk or swear. which is unusual in this day and age I guess that is why they mention it.
She is surprised when I tell her that he'd told his parents she was drunk in the club. she said that he was but not her. Now he says he doesn't know why he phoned me in the middle of the night and that he doesn't think he told me that she'd attacked him. I know that he was drunk and angry but that is what he said. He would hardly have said that he attacked her and phoned me to say it would he? She says that him, her and her friends at work who only have small snippets of the way things were, are surprised that I took the step of having him arrested. I am sure I did what was right. the police obviously thought so. Now I feel as though I am going mad, trying to analize the situation, have I been wrong???? In my heart of hearts I don't think I have. I think he is manipulating the situation. I no doubt think that in his head he feels responsible but also blames anyone or everyone for how he has acted. Is is very intelligent, thinks he knows it all, can beat the system, I think. Very angry and frustrated with life. I don't think she will follow any of the CAB's advice because he has taken it all in hand and knows hewill clear what he owes her. But what about the violence???? I can't get it out of my head that he pushed he out of the flat in her nightclothes into the communal lobby and locked her out for a few hours in the night. Not far from being raped or murdered in my eyes, am I paranoid?

GettingThingsDone

So sorry to hear about your daughters situation - there really are some nasty people around. Although she's right in the thick of it right now, I'm sure in the future she'll be thanking you for helping her see the situation for what it is.

I am not a parent, but I do know that I would be horrified/mortified if my parents knew as much about my life at 22 as you know about your daughter's and the last thing I would have wanted to do would be to move home. And conversely, I was erm, 'encouraged' to go and see some of the world. And if they knew how much money I was earning/spending I would have fled the country (oh, I did do that - and yes, Stockholm was very expensive!)

Maybe, and this sounds really harsh, so apologies before I say it and obviously you'll be there for her, but tell her she has to sort her own problems out. I know nothing apart from what you have written here, but I have a feeling that unless she starts to feel empowered about the decisions she makes in her life she is going to fall for the 'barstewards' out there.

For example, why isn't she calling the debtline, CAB etc?

This doesn't excuse what the bloke has done - there is no excuse for violence. But he is in control of his life, does what he wants (even if it is bad) when he wants, and I imagine that has certain attractions for a young woman. And before anyone slates me off for saying that, would you have stuck around?

She was free to leave at any point, but I guess that's how the mind games work - sometimes you see what's going on, sometimes you don't. And unless you learn how to spot these people, history will indeed repeat itself...

Sorry for rambling, and as I say, I know nothing, so feel free to completely ignore me! I don't mean to be judgemental/critical, just thought I'd offer a slightly different viewpoint.

GettingThingsDone

I think you managed to get your post in before mine!

arthur_dent_2

Continue to be there for her and hopefully the forum will continue to be there for you. This sounds to me like she is at last beginning to know that this is wrong for her, but it could take a long time before she has the courage to ask for help. When the time comes that she finally wants rid of this man, you will need to be there to mop up. As far as the debts go again, they are her debts and untill she has a lightbulb moment then again all you can do is support her.

About the violence, I have no experience of this thankfully but I do know there are support groups out there for relatives as well as victims.

You have all our best wishes, just take each day as it comes.

Bunnyinthelights

Gettingthingsdone,
I think that all you can do at this time is completely reassure your daughter that you love her, will be there for her NO MATTER WHAT and do not allow him to sever ties with you at all. I would not shut the door to him as it only allows him to carry on his cycle of abuse. I am so sorry for your troubles, I can't imagine how I would react if it were my daughter, apart from attempting to rid the world of this nasty piece of work...
Debt can be dealt with (trust me, I have A LOT more that your daughter may have!) but the emotional scars will be there forever.
Good luck and please keep us posted-I wish I could help out in someway.
Bunny

whatatwit

There is no easy way out of this, if you are happy to see your daughter, but not him, she will tell him this and he will then twist it and use it against you.

He will start to turn your daughter against you.

All I think you can do is offer you daughter full support and hope that she has a 'lightbulb' moment with regards to this man and sees past the front that he keeps up so well.

At the moment, he has come up with a magical solution to the debt problems, and for your daughter, this will be far easier than having to bare her soul to some stranger at CAB or a debtline.

You are going to have to let her realise in her own time what a total loser he is.

natters_2

Sorry to hear your daughter is going through such a bad time at the moment - having been in an almost identical situation that she is in at the minute can I tell you that although you obviously have her best interests at heart - you may find that you will push her towards this scumbag by reacting in the way that you are - by telling her he is not welcome and refusing to visit her while he is around you are going to alienate her and make her feel that she cannot come to you in times of crisis - you will also give him the perfect excuse to keep her away from you - i.e. how can you love me if you let your mum talk about me like that etc - he has obviously eroded her confidence and you will be helping him to further undermine that - she is obviously suffering a great deal and you may find that for the sake of a quiet life any future incidents are kept from you - it is bad enough being abused by your partner - but then to have in the back of your mind if I tell my parents I am going to get more "ear damage" it will put her off talking to you - also you seem to have completely taken control of the debt situation and are telling her she "has to do this and has to sort that out etc" so in effect she is swapping one controlling situation for another - this may in effect bring her down even further - then you run the risk of adding depression to the equation.

I am in no way criticising you for trying to help her - if it was my daughter I would no doubt be trying as hard as you are to get her out of this situation - but being on the other side of the coin so to speak i am just trying to put across how it looks on the other side and the results that you could expect