Post Natal Depression

If_My_Pennies_Were_Pounds

A close family member is currently suffering from post natal depression and I'm struggling to understand how she feels and how to act around her.

Being around her is so depressing and I come away feeling so low, but if I'm not there it will look like I don't care...

Does anyone have any advice or experiences of PND that can maybe help me to understand how she must be feeling and how to act that won't make things worse?

flutterby_lil

Is she getting help from the GP and midwife?

How old is the baby?

How about taking the baby/child out for a couple of hours to give her some space?

pigpen

Act normally!!!!

Dont tell her to "cheer up" or "there are worse things" etc.. that is just condecending and annoying

She is tired and fed up and lethargic and self-loathing and anti-social and jst wants to hide, the world to stop so she can get off or in worst cases, like everyone might be better off without her. She may also behaving panic attacks. I found stuff like housework, cooking proper meals and personal care was not featuring on my list of priorities.. I cared for the baby, paid the bills and did nothing else.

Give her time, patience, offer to give her a hand with stuff if she is struggling.. like housework, washing, watching the baby (not TAKING it away from her.. even for an hour unless that is what she wants.. I would have believed you wouldnt bring it back) while she takes a long bath. See what she needs and where she is struggling.. you cant take away the problem but you can take away some of the pressure.

whitewing

When I was bad with pnd, I didn't mind if other people were happy so don't feel that you can't be chirpy.

I did find it an enormous effort to get gathered up to actually get out of the house, so it was easier not to see people who had to be met somewhere.

As much as I hated the constant feeding, nappy changing etc etc I didn't really want to be apart from my baby. I got no joy out of doing baby related tasks. Maybe you could sit with the baby on your lap while mum closes her eyes and snoozes on the sofa. My sleep patterns were really interrupted and that made it worse. I wanted trusted company but didn't have the inclination to interact. Don't be worried about comfortable silence.

My hv is very good. Perhaps you could suggest to your friend that you come round while the hv is there so that you can see from the hv how best to support your friend. (Your friend however may not like her hv - they seem to be a bit marmite).

If_My_Pennies_Were_Pounds

Thanks for your replies so far.

Yes she is getting help from her GP, she has been given anti-depressants but hasn't been taking them as she doesn't want to get hooked on them.

The baby is now 6 months old.

I have been trying to act normally around her as I know that will be one thing that definitely makes it worse, the last thing I want is to treat her any different.

Her husband has been a pillar of strength helping both her and the baby but occasionally it gets too much for him and he has to call my parents to help out. I worry that he isn't finding anyone to talk to and that it will become overbearing for him

We all take the baby when we can (with her say so) but it's hard as all immediate family work full time so there are times she is completely on her own.

Her flat is a complete mess and I know that is down to having no energy or desire to do anything about it, but will me offering to tidy make her feel worse or incompetent like I'm suggesting she can't manage?

gratefulforhelp_2

pigpen wrote: »

Act normally!!!!

Dont tell her to "cheer up" or "there are worse things" etc.. that is just condecending and annoying

She is tired and fed up and lethargic and self-loathing and anti-social and jst wants to hide, the world to stop so she can get off or in worst cases, like everyone might be better off without her. She may also behaving panic attacks. I found stuff like housework, cooking proper meals and personal care was not featuring on my list of priorities.. I cared for the baby, paid the bills and did nothing else.

Give her time, patience, offer to give her a hand with stuff if she is struggling.. like housework, washing, watching the baby (not TAKING it away from her.. even for an hour unless that is what she wants.. I would have believed you wouldnt bring it back) while she takes a long bath. See what she needs and where she is struggling.. you cant take away the problem but you can take away some of the pressure.

All that piggers says, esp the bit in bold.

What helps? Well first, you didn't cause the PND so you shouldn't feel bad that you can't fix it.

Ask her, what things make you feel even a tiny bit better?

For me...

little treats, a chance to sleep (I could only sleep when the sun was up and people were around), a walk in fresh air, a really good cup of coffee/tea, some music, a good bath or shower. Animals, if she likes them.

Good luck.

eta she isn't going to get hooked on the medication, can you show her a page from NHS website to convince her?

Maybe offer to do housework, but then leave it.

TBH I'm not depressed at the moment, I have a 6 month old, and my house is a pit.

pigpen

Dont ask questions that require decisions .. i really struggled here.. People say " what can I do to help?" and I want to scream and hide..

My sister came round and said " I am going to do this.. now can you get me the binbags please?" and she tidied the front room..

That took away the pressure of me having to look at it, sit in the squalor and also gave me a bit of a lift as I wasnt overwhelmed.

you could tell her you will watch the baby while she has the bath and tidy it then so she doesnt have to watch or feel like she has to help.

whitewing

Everything made me feel incompetent. Helping her husband tidy up may be acceptable; more because I found it difficult to make decisions or issue instruction, so hubby could be the main point of reference for the 'where does this go?'.

My DH was excellent last year when I was at my worse but finds it a lot harder to deal with the downs as I am getting better. Keeping stuff clean and tidy really makes a difference to him though.

Maybe you or her hubby could help her have a sort out of out grown baby clothes. I was swamped in the stuff, and stuff I didn't need. Decluttering definitely helps but must have her input.

Another thing it may be worth helping her with is Xmas preparations. Maybe get a presents list together with her and then you could get them and take them round for her. (I hated going out and crowds were too much stimulation). Or you could take her shopping etc. It depends of course on finances too and everything so it is only suggestions.

I was/am on anti depressants and they have helped tremendously. The only downside is they make me sleep a couple of hours longer than normal (but I would awaken in an emergency). I adjust for this side effect by going to bed earlier (and thus taking the tablet earlier), or sleeping later (my DH works shifts so he tends to our daughter if I am asleep, but I do wake up if he is not there). The first couple of weeks on them I was really tired but I looked them up online and saw that was just a stage that people go through with them.

Brooke Shields wrote a book about her pnd which I have not got around to getting yet but could be a good present for her or for yourself. I think it is fairly cheap on Amazon.

If she can ride the pnd out, tell her from me that it does get better. It will not be like it forever. Children get easier as they get older (in some respects). I found it better when my son could talk so I got to be able to communicate with him better. I did not take anti depressants when he was young. I got prescribed progesterone tablets but you had to stick them up your back passage. No way doing that was going to cure me, particularly because they fizzed and bubbled'

SDG31000

My advice would be to get her to talk to her Dr again to get her taking the meds. It is important and they do help. I wouldn't be here typing this without them. Also ask if there are any support groups or specially trained midwives/health visitors. I felt so alone and like the worst mom in the world and that no one else had ever had these thoughts or felt like that.
I agree with pigpen about the decision thing. I could spend an hour just standing looking in the fridge trying to work out what to make for dinner. Any decision was too much for me to handle. Take her and the baby to a park for a walk or to the library. I had panic attacks when going out by myself and needed someone with me.

The best book on the PND I ever read was Brooke Shields account of her PND. It's called "Down Came the Rain" and I read most of it with tears streaming down my face. When I had finished it I made my DH read it and was able to say "That's how it felt" as before I couldn't find the words to explain the helplessness and how stupid and ungrateful and unworthy of help I felt.

The best of luck to you all xxxx

If_My_Pennies_Were_Pounds

She was back at the doctor yesterday and got sent to the out of hours psych unit for assessment, she was given diazapam to help her sleep and my parents took the baby overnight.

The team is coming out to assess her properly today, does anyone have any experience of anything like this? Is she likely to be taken in to hospital?

She is dead on her feet and when she came back from the unit last night she was like an empty shell, wouldn't talk, it was like she wasn't there, never seen her like that before.

The whole situation is making my parents worried sick and I feel so helpless but I need to be strong for everyone's sake...

SDG31000

Just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. My boys are now 12 and 15, and if you had asked me when I was at my worst if I would see them so grown up, I would have said no as I couldn't see beyond the end of that day and didn't want to.

It sounds like it is being taken seriously and she is getting the help she needs. That is what counts now. I know it is frightening and overwhelming, but it does get better.