Real life MMD: Should I ask my ex for the ring back? 18 October 2011 at 10:14AM edited 18 October 2011 at 7:27PM in MoneySaving polls 72 replies 22.4K views

shazpea

funny, i've just found myself on the opposite side of that dilema - my fiance messed about and we broke up. I still have the engagement ring and was wondering what to do with it. Nice to know that it's mine to keep and sell, i could do with some money for a deposit on a flat now i have to move out.. nice to know there's not another problem to add to the pile of mess that this situation is. So yes, she's entitled to keep it, but maybe speak to her about it,ask her what she's thinking of doing with it. Good luck, she might be angry you even dared to ask, (were you the one that broke it off) but you never know what she might be thinking, she might be happy to return it.

djembe_caz

phonoplug wrote: »

Ask her to watch Judge Judy (daytime, ITV2)! She always rules that if the wedding does not go ahead, the ring goes back to the person that gave it.

Ok, so thats the US, and as a previous poster said, its probably not the same in the UK, but its worth a try!

Just what I was going to say! Judge Judy always says its not a straight gift, it's given in anticipation of a wedding, like a contract. Which makes total sense, an engagement ring is for a marriage engagement, not just a gift otherwise it would just be a regular ring. So it goes back to the giver if there will be no wedding.

ripongrammargirl

I do not agree with everyone who says the ring is a gift. To me, an engagement ring is a symbol of commitment (contract) given on the understanding of marriage. Therefore, the marriage is now not going ahead so the ring is null and void like the contract of impending marriage. The lady did not pay for it so it should be returned. Why would you want to keep an item that reminds you of a failed relationship? It does not state why the wedding is off, but if she broke it off she should definitely return it without hesitation. If he broke it off then he should have had it returned via a good right hook!! Either way, I think it belongs to him and she is either silly or deluded for not giving it back and would be theft in my eyes if she tried to sell it for monetary gain. He should consult a solicitor and then ask for it nicely or use the advice given if she refuses to return it. Can I also state that £3000 is completely excessive, especially in this day and age, for an engagement ring!!:eek:

A.Jones

The dilemma is this ...

Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask my ex for the ring back? I recently broke up with my fiance and she is refusing to return the engagement ring.

The clue is in the statement. She is refusing to return it. It does not say that she has not offered the ring back. She cannot have refused to give it back if she has not been asked already.

So I don't really see what the dilemma is. She has been asked and says no. What good is asking again going to do?

Julia4J

No! Regardless of what the 'moral' ethics are, you GAVE her the ring, you obviously thought she was worth it, if you gave her the ring based on a 'condition' then I question YOUR motives, how can you GIVE a ring to someone with the unspoken rider: "I will get it back if it does not work out!" I really do question your love for this woman, hopefully your reaction is one of pain and you will change your attitude once the pain is reduced. I do feel sorry for you but you CHOSE to spend that amount of money, no-one else. Have you not learnt yet that life is NOT fair, ever.

MoreOn

Julia4J wrote: »

No! Regardless of what the 'moral' ethics are, you GAVE her the ring, you obviously thought she was worth it, if you gave her the ring based on a 'condition' then I question YOUR motives, how can you GIVE a ring to someone with the unspoken rider: "I will get it back if it does not work out!" I really do question your love for this woman, hopefully your reaction is one of pain and you will change your attitude once the pain is reduced. I do feel sorry for you but you CHOSE to spend that amount of money, no-one else. Have you not learnt yet that life is NOT fair, ever.

Oh.. So the old... I'll give you this ring "IF" you say you'll marry me question doesn't apply.....

I'm bemused by your logic... What individual would ask the question and then say oh well have the ring anyway... Your logic is close to the ridiculous any woman the does keep a ring (where they are at fault) I have to QUESTION their motives...

Hopefully OP will sue the woman for the ring and any other losses that her breach of promise has incurred on him.... This should not be a case of female privilege....

Wobit

You should ask for the ring to be returned. The ring is not a gift it is a token of a joint commitment to marry. The engagement period is the time for both to earnestly consider that commitment and if any doubts or change of mind occurs, with either party, then the engagement can be ended. Therefore the ring should be returned.

Gemma111_2

People are asking why she wants to keep the ring. It may just be that she likes the ring and wants to wear it. I got engaged on my birthday 20 years and still wear my ring every day though on my right hand. It cost £200 at the time though I've no idea what it's worth now but it's my favourite piece of jewellery. It never occured to me to offer it back when we broke up and I'm sure it didn't occur to my ex to ask for it back.

PegasusPJ

MoreOn wrote: »

Oh.. So the old... I'll give you this ring "IF" you say you'll marry me question doesn't apply.....

I'm bemused by your logic... What individual would ask the question and then say oh well have the ring anyway... Your logic is close to the ridiculous any woman the does keep a ring (where they are at fault) I have to QUESTION their motives...

Hopefully OP will sue the woman for the ring and any other losses that her breach of promise has incurred on him.... This should not be a case of female privilege....

if you re-read your first line you'll see exactly why we say the circumstances of the break-off count:
it's a conditional gift, as in you get the ring in condition of accepting the proposal, not of actually getting married (if she'd said no when he proposed, she wouldn't have got the ring).
If then HE broke it off, then the condition hasn't changed, she still had accepted and not gone back on it, it's hers.

sjfdata-mail

I agree with Gemma111 - I was engaged about 30 years ago - he broke it off, I kept the ring and wore it on the other hand as I liked it (I must admit not straight away - but then thought why should it stay in my jewellery box). I did nothing wrong to cause the split, so didn't see why I should give it back but then again wasn't asked to.