in a bit of a mess just now :-(

jellytot79

hi,
this may take a while, i'm not sure what im looking for, advice or thoughts maybe...a pick me up...anything.
il try to cut it short...
im 32 with 2 children (14 & 10) quite recently split from a 14 yr marriage,
i left home at 16 to go to college, met my (to be ex) husband at 16, married and pregnant at 17, had left college and we got our own council house and there it began. we got on really good for a while but after a few years the pressures of married life, 2 chilfren and probably making our desicions to young got to us and we started drifting apart, both subconciously knowing this but 'staying together for the kids'. last year i spoke to my him, said it was working and we should split. i wasn't happy, he wasnt happy and we werent making each other happy, he had lost interest in being part of the family, i did everything with and for the kids, within the house and was also the main earner. we thought about counselling but due to the small community we live in we (mainly he) didnt want to discuss our problems with people we might know, or would know a family member and basically we just weren't in love anymore.
he decided he wanted to keep the house but moved in with his parents until i found somewhere, i got a council house with the kids 6 months later.
during this time i had been going back to my home town often (with kids) to be near family (200 miles away). i met an old friend and we started a relationship, so of course this is long distance and we see each other once a month.
im finding it all a real struggle just now. im trying to hold down my job, its shift hours so is hard to fit around the kids. i have to run my son to his dads, sneak out of work to pick him up from school some days,its a new schhol which he is slowly settling into my daughter has been bullied on and off for years...not pyhsical but more mentally. this has resulted in low self esteem, she began self harming and is seeing a child phsycologist and is on anti depressents. my son has night terrors which he has had since he was 3 and is up twice a night soometimes. im constantly worrying about money, scared to spend a penny, we hardly leave the house! its dearer living in this new house and im still trying to find my way on my own really, and pay off debts.
im considering moving away with my kids next year to be nearer family and b/f. my daughter is totally up for it as she loves it there and can see a knew start for herself and her future. my son is a little unsure as he won't see his dad so much. (he's out 2 nights a week). i really want to but im also really scared too. it will be a big change, but at the moment im not happy. i have nothing to look forward too, only see people when im working....i don't know what to do, i really just want to feel happy and content again :-(

jellytot79

im not sure whats stopping me, fear mainly. my job just now is hard to manage but the money keeps us afloat. im worried if i move il be earnin less but getting more tax credits, but i think this will have to happen in the next while anway. if i dont earn enough to pay all my bills il panic(i have a bit of debt) also my daughter is in 3rd year, 4th next year which means exams, i dont want moving to ruin her schooling, im also worried about my son having to settle into another school and only seeing his dad for a weekend a month (if i could afford to get him back here). also i would have to give up this house and go private as ive been told by the housing there i wouldnt be entitled to one there as im already housed.
ive seen jobs and done figures, providing i got the benefits ect the 'entitled to' website says i could scrape by. it seems like such a huge risk and sometimes a bit selfish, but somedays you have no idea how much i want to pack up and go! if i knew it would work out fine and everyone would be happy i''d go. it feels like such a big desicion to make as it effects more than just me...but i want to go!

jellytot79

thanks for the hugs :-)

princessdreamer

If you need to move then move the children will be happier. You will have support better childcare. As for your ex he needs to sort his access out himself what would he prefer his kids to be miserable or to do some traveling.

January20

I too, even before of your first post, was thinking that the best thing for you would be to mover nearer to your family.

Sambucus_Nigra

Absolutely. Just do it.

Emmzi

1. are you getting maintenance from the father of your children? If not get it sorted

2. Be very sure you are moving to be near family and not bloke. Men come and go and a full time relationship is very different to a distance one and you don't know if it'll work.

3. How much contact does dad want? I think time for a honest conversation about how hard things are and what you are thinking.

jellytot79

hi all.
the bullying comes and goes, fine for a month then starts up again. mainly on facebook, writing comments and statuses then other people feel free to join, then it merges into school too, the school have been amazing with it and i can't fault them at all.
ex doesn't pay any maintenance, i have asked a few times but it ends in an arguement, i get the tax credits so why should he, i have gone to CSA now but in honesty i don't think he can afford it.
he knows i plan to move next year, he's not too happy about it an neither are his family, but they don't help out anyway or see the kids much so i don't thinkk they have the right to judge!
i do want to move for family but also to be nearer new guy, i could lie and say it's not that but that wouldn't be true, it's both. i don't intend to live with him as my kids don't know him that well and aren't ready for it. i was going to go last year but then thought i was rushing into it and waited to see how long it lasted, but we're still going strong :-)

RAS

I think we need a few reality checks here

jellytot79 wrote: »

hi,
, i did everything with and for the kids, within the house and was also the main earner.

If you move without a job, you will be in difficulties with the Benefits people. You will not get JSA for 6 months because you left a job voluntarily. Hardship funds may be possible by=ut they are £36 a week ish. So you need a new job before you move.

he decided he wanted to keep the house but moved in with his parents until i found somewhere, i got a council house with the kids 6 months later.

Is the house your ex has said in mortgaged or rented?

during this time i had been going back to my home town often (with kids) to be near family (200 miles away).

Where will you get housing if you move? Unlikely to be the Council unless you are very lucky.

im finding it all a real struggle just now. im trying to hold down my job, its shift hours so is hard to fit around the kids.

Agreed.

i have to run my son to his dads, sneak out of work to pick him up from school some days,

Your husband is responsible for picking up your son and returning him when he has contact. This is not your problem. And certainly not worth risking your job for.

. my son has night terrors which he has had since he was 3 and is up twice a night soometimes.

As someone prone to waking up in a tiss, can I suggest that you check whether he is too hot in bed? A lot of people get nightmares when they are too hot at night, not just when they have a fever. It is quite possible to feel cold goign to bed and then to warm up enough to get very nasty dreams a few hours later.

im constantly worrying about money, scared to spend a penny, we hardly leave the house! its dearer living in this new house and im still trying to find my way on my own really, and pay off debts.

In which case moving is unlikely to help, as you would have to fund the cost of a move on top of you exisitn debt. How much does your ex give you in CSA?

im considering moving away with my kids next year to be nearer family and b/f. my daughter is totally up for it as she loves it there and can see a knew start for herself and her future. my son is a little unsure as he won't see his dad so much. (he's out 2 nights a week). i really want to but im also really scared too. it will be a big change, but at the moment im not happy. i have nothing to look forward too, only see people when im working....i don't know what to do, i really just want to feel happy and content again :-

I do not think moving will make you happy and content. it will cause you even more grief. And until you learn to be happy and content where you are, you are not going to be able to be happy and content elsewhere.

victory

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jellytot79

the house he is in is council rented.
if i did move i would have to go into a private rented house a i already know i won't get a council house or it would take a very long time so that's not really an option.
when i thought about moving before i got an interview but didn't go as the timing wasn't write, they phoned offering me another one a couple of months ago so getting a job probably wouldn't be a problem.
i have asked him to pick my son from schoolup but it didn't work as he sent another of his family to do it but my son couldn't find this person so walked home. the family member then came to the house shouting and crying at my son for not waiting so in my eyes it's not worth the hassle asking him to pick up his own son from school so i'd rather do it so i know he's ok instead of worrying he's hanging around school waiting to be picked up.
as for night terrors it seems to be when he wakes up needing a pee and is still in his dream. also his dad doesn't have a bed for him so they share, when he's with me he expects to come in beside me too, but at 10yrs old i think he should be sleeping on his own.