Sister with mental health problems - What do I do?

Errata

I sent her a job ad for a level entry job (one which she would have had the qualifications for) - it's a job she has talked about for years, but when she saw it, she burst into tears, and said she couldn't live up to that..

.......... and if she doesn't finish her degree she will never put herself in a position to find out. I think you're right, it sounds a lot like self-sabotage: "I'll buqqer this up and ensure nobody will ever be in a position to test me".

Seanymph

I have had mental health problems and don't know how to say politely that it comes across that she may find your judgements and involvement a bit overbearing?

I know that when I was at my low times I wouldn't have been able to cope with someone 'checking up on me' with my friends, or opinionating so heavily on what was and wasn't right for me. Much less finding jobs for me!

Now I'm well (and because you aren't doing it to me of course!) - I can absolutely clearly see that you are doing it out of love and concern.

But when you are in a bad place you feel so awful about everything that only the negative connatations get through. She's 41 and yet you are calling HER friends to ask how she is doing! They will tell her and she may feel violated, untrusted, haunted by you, that you have no confidence or belief in her making the right choices for her. Potentially also it takes away her confidantes because she will no longer feel that she can talk to them without them 'reporting to you' - or, they could feel awkward at the position you put them in and therefore choose not to be so close with her...

For me, I needed to hear from people that they trusted me to make the right choices and they would support me whatever - that they believed in me, and that I had the strength to come back from where I was at my own pace, and they would be there no matter what I did, or what happened.

I'm not saying what you are doing is wrong, I'm just saying how it would have felt to me if you had phoned my friends to get information about me, or called me every day chasing me, or sent me an email 'telling me' how wrong I was to give up a course.

I don't think that judgements and showing her so clearly you don't trust her to make the right choices for herself will help her to get mentally strong again.

Although doing three degrees and not finishing them shows something, enrolling on three, attending for three, doing the work load for three, and achieving what she has contributes to her life experience, her knowledge, and the person she is - obviously in lots of ways she is achieving really really well!

Perhaps you have got so used to 'parenting' her (for want of a better phrase) you don't know how to have any other relationship with her, but when you are mentally not coping so well the last thing you want to be doing is having to fend off relatives, however well meaning. Perhaps a supportive 'hear you've chosen to stop, sure you know what you are doing - am here if you need me' type email may change the dynamic in a way that will enable her to ask for help if she needs it?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Does she get looked after by people whilst she stays a student or a cleaner, and just doesn't want the responsibility of being a grown up and expected to look after herself?

It seems a little like attention seeking to do well and then pack it up at the last minute, so that someone comes to take care of it all for her.



Maybe even some blunt words - 'You don't want me in London with you!!!'

'Nope, not without a degree and some experience. I'm not compromising my career to support you and put you forward for jobs when you haven't done the work you needed to do yourself. They need people who can come up with the goods every time, on time, all the time. When you graduate AND get some decent experience/portfolio of work completed, then I will be more than happy for you to be here and I will put your name forward whenever possible. Until then, no, you're going to have to stay where you are'

ska_lover

My elder sister has mental health problems too(bi-polar/alcoholism/drug addict), and has just started a degree course, which she promptly withdrew from after the student loans came through.She proudly admits to having 'screwed' the system once again..and knows she will never pay a penny back. The thousands of pounds she did have, are all gone, on new sofas, furniture, and drink/drugs. We all work in my house, but have never been able to afford a new sofa!

She is as mentally well, as I am (as in not)- and before anyone accuses me of being cruel, I know this to be a fact, as I have known her all my life and lived through the attention seeking stunts she continually pulls. She lives a shambolic life and has never worked a day in her life, shes 39 years old. Everything she has ever had, has been given, either benefits, or pulling stunts like this. Spends her days on the sofa with a bottle of vodka and jeremy kyle.

I'm not saying your sister has done it for the money like my sister or meaning to compare, as your sis has stayed for years, while mine didn't last a week