Sister with mental health problems - What do I do?

sticky23

My elder sister has some mental health problems, and I'm just not sure what I can do to help...

She is 41, a mature student - until yesterday, that is.. She has now decided that she doesn't want to finish her degree (2 months off finishing), as she doesn't know what she is going to use it for, it's not the right kind of learning, and she is scared she is going to end up with a nervous breakdown. I agree with the nervous breakdown - no degree is worth that... But this is the third time she has done this.. Three different degrees - none of them finished... I can't help feeling that she is sabotaging herself - as if she's afraid of success..

She has been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder, but this is much better now. She is on anti depressants etc. This summer she was feeling the best she has ever felt...

Do I just watch her succumb to this self sabotage? How can I help her? I have tried so hard to help the last three years, but I can't help feeling I end up making it worse..

PinkLipgloss

Every university has a student counselling department. I would recommend that your sister get in touch with them to discuss her feelings and they may be able to organise some concessions such as extending her assignment due dates etc since she is obviously very stressed.

sassyblue

I don't know anything about adult students and degrees but is it possible for her to have a month off it and come back to it later?

I think it's important she DOES finish this degree, otherwise she has another unfinished project behind her and that will weigh on her mind....

Good luck and hope her setback is temporary xxx

sticky23

She has done all that. Had extra help etc. She has made up her mind, I think. She doesn't want to do the last bit of the work (her dissertation), as she can't see the use in it...

I don't know whether to point out the reasons why it would be best to finish her degree. I fear it might stress her out more...

Thanks for your replies...

Hermia

My cousin has done three degrees and numerous other vocational courses and every time he dropped out just before finishing. In some of the cases he was doing incredibly well. I have come to the conclusion that he doesn't want to be tested in the real world. He was a bright child and I think he doesn't want to be seen as average or ordinary. He can claim that he would have got a first class degree and a wonderful career if only he had finished the course. If he actually finished he might have to face the fact that he is just an ordinary guy.

I wonder whether your sister has been freaked out by nearing the end of her course. Perhaps she is worried about trying to get a job once she is finished and by not finishing she is putting off that decision.

Hermia

sticky23 wrote: »

She has done all that. Had extra help etc. She has made up her mind, I think. She doesn't want to do the last bit of the work (her dissertation), as she can't see the use in it...

Whilst she may not see the use in it it will be a hell of a lot more useful than an unfinished degree. Is there any way you can get that through to her?

fluffnutter

It might be useful to consider your definition of self-sabotage. I've personally dropped out of two degrees but I'm doing OK! Are there other aspects of her behaviour that are troubling or is it just that she's become disheartened about her degree? I think I'd try not to worry unless she was showing additional signs of depression/anxiety etc.

Many, many students feel disillusioned shortly before they finish their courses; it's when enthusiasm really wanes and fear of the future starts to kick in. You could try to remind her of that fact and perhaps encourage her to talk to her tutors who have no doubt seen it all many times before. But, at the end of the day, if she decides she wants to drop out there's nothing that you or anyone else can do about it.

You say she has mental health problems. What treatment/support does she typically get with this? Is it worth suggesting she talks to her GP or counsellor to discuss what might be a set-back and to talk about medication/next steps? It sounds like she might benefit from this although try not to jump to conclusions about her mental state - perhaps she's just rubbish at finishing degrees!

You say 'I can't help feeling..' which sounds a little speculative. Have you actually tried talking to her?

sticky23

It's really hard to tell whether she's displaying other signs of mental health issues, as I'm in a different country to her.. She will often not answer her phone for days, so I'll have to call her friends to see if she's OK. This happened recently, but she explained that by saying that she was busy with her dissertation, and kept her phone off during the day, so she wouldn't be disturbed...

I personally don't put too much emphasis on a degree, if a person has passion, determination, and is willing to work hard. My sister isn't really displaying any of these right now.. It's also the fact that it's the third time... I'm pretty sure she's scared of having a"proper" job with responsibility etc. I sent her a job ad for a level entry job (one which she would have had the qualifications for) - it's a job she has talked about for years, but when she saw it, she burst into tears, and said she couldn't live up to that..

She is now talking about going back to the cleaning job she had before.. Nothing wrong with a cleaning job, but she has a bad back...

I have talked to her about it, but I didn't mention my concerns.. I'm worried I might put even more pressure on her, while she is obviously at breaking point..

fluffnutter

sticky23 wrote: »

It's really hard to tell whether she's displaying other signs of mental health issues, as I'm in a different country to her.. She will often not answer her phone for days, so I'll have to call her friends to see if she's OK. This happened recently, but she explained that by saying that she was busy with her dissertation, and kept her phone off during the day, so she wouldn't be disturbed...

I personally don't put too much emphasis on a degree, if a person has passion, determination, and is willing to work hard. My sister isn't really displaying any of these right now.. It's also the fact that it's the third time... I'm pretty sure she's scared of having a"proper" job with responsibility etc. I sent her a job ad for a level entry job (one which she would have had the qualifications for) - it's a job she has talked about for years, but when she saw it, she burst into tears, and said she couldn't live up to that..

She is now talking about going back to the cleaning job she had before.. Nothing wrong with a cleaning job, but she has a bad back...

I have talked to her about it, but I didn't mention my concerns.. I'm worried I might put even more pressure on her, while she is obviously at breaking point..

That's really difficult then, and worrying for you. What do her friends think? Are they concerned too?

sticky23

fluffnutter wrote: »

That's really difficult then, and worrying for you. What do her friends think? Are they concerned too?

I've contacted them, but they have not got back to me yet...

whitewing

I'm on anti d's too, and was doing much better until earlier this year when I hit a real slump. You could suggest that she gets her medication reviewed. For me, we upped the dose and I'm back to feeling 'normal'. (Anti d's don't zombify me, which is a lot of people's perception of them). In other situations they may add in another anti d. Get her to explain that she has no motivation to finish the course. That is one of my signs, when decisions start to get difficult. They can talk her thro her choices in terms of medication, she doesn't have to make changes if she doesn't want to. A slight change may give her the oomph needed to decide to get through it.