Daughter in debt thanks to her boyfriend

Mojisola

missiemoo wrote: »

She has changed from a very confident and happy young woman who took great pride in her appearance to the complete opposite - withdrawn, unhappy and not interested in how she looks

This would ring alarm bells with me that her relationship is far from healthy. It could be worth you reading up on domestic abuse - which isn't always physical - emotional and financial abuse can be just as destructive.

euronorris

Mojisola wrote: »

This would ring alarm bells with me that her relationship is far from healthy. It could be worth you reading up on domestic abuse - which isn't always physical - emotional and financial abuse can be just as destructive.

And remember that she can come back from it all. Especially with such caring parents.

I did, and I had become like that too. I didn't realise it until after we split and I looked at my wardrobe and realised that everything in there was black (sooo not like me!). There was no physical abuse in my relationship, only emotional (although I understand that the emotional side is often just the stepping stone).

It took me a while to get over it completely, but get over it I did.

marvellousaunt

I'd echo the concern about her being withdrawn. That isn't a good sign.

Again, don't judge or criticise, just make it so clear to her that your arms (and your door!) is always, always open.

missiemoo_2

I did buy 'Living with a Dominator' some months back but have struggled to get beyond the first few pages - the advice we managed to glean from it was 'be there' and here we are, not waiting too much longer I hope. Thanks for all your constructive and supportive comments, easier than having to tell family/friends about the pickle our daughter finds herself in.

clearing_out_my_pockets

OP I have been where your daughter is. I paid my ex's debts, I had his salary paid into my bank account as he couldn't get one of his own, I was extremely withdrawn and by the time I left him, I had £6k of debt around my neck. Looking back, there is nothing my parents could have done to 'save me'. They tried suggesting that he was slightly unreliable with money and I took it as an insult against me rather than him. The whole time he had been manipulating me and eventually I saw that. It took a very long time, but I am free of him. During our time together, I paid CCJs for him to clean up his credit record 'so that we can buy a house'. I paid his rent on several occassions and the final straw came when a week after I'd been paid, I found that he'd 'borrowed' my bank card and withdrawn both his salary and my salary, leaving me with nothing.

Sadly, my dad was in a coma when I left my ex. At no point did my mum say "I told you so". She held me and just got on with being my mum. I'm afraid that probably is all you can do other than encouraging her to face her debt problems sooner rather than later.

marywooyeah

I actually think there's an argument for "going in" rather than waiting for your daughter to come to you. Is she quite a caring person? it may be the case that she thinks oh he's having a hard time, well I'll help with this bill and he'll pay me back - she may be thinking longterm eg saving his credit record by paying his bills so he doesnt get a missed payment which would affect them buying a house if they decided to do so later, then its just got out of control and now she's in debt. If she stays, she's likely to keep paying out, if she leaves she'll never get her money back so she's stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I know she "loves him", all women who have been abused love the man that is abusing them - been there done that got the tshirt twice! I really think you and your husband may be better off sitting her down and explaining to her the seriousness of what she is getting into. right now a £300 overdraft isnt a massive amount but if this carries on she could get into serious debt.

Dinah93

Another one here who made the mistakes of paying an ex's way to keep the peace. Which gave him the green light not to work, and when he did to spend all his money on gadgets and xbox games meaning in over a year he didn't put a single penny into the house. I left with £16k of debt (only around 1k when I met him) of which over £7000 was paying his half of the bills, the rent, food, bailing him out when he borrowed money off dodgy blokes/telling his weed guy he'd pay later and I was scared of them (and scared of him). He was always emotionally abusive, and he'd lock me in rooms, or outside, or throw my handbag and laptop into the street, or just plain destroying my stuff as I deserved to be punished (his words not mine). But whenever I tried to leave he'd first try to scare me senseless (throwing things at me, on one occasion tieing me up and threatening to defecate on me (this was the day I managed to leave) then if that didn't work he'd try threatening suicide which usually got me to stay as despite hating him by the end, I couldn't have that over my head. If she has become as withdrawn as you say I'd say the debts may well be the least of her issues, personally once I was shot of him I didn't care about the debt, I cleared all 16k in less than a year (more than I earned in the same time), but the mental scars he's left are a lot harder to shift. I was embarrassed to tell anyone the situation I was in, despite a very close relationship with my mum, so as others have said all you can do is be there for her in whatever way she needs you, but make it clear you see changes in her, she doesn't seem happy, you're worried about her etc.

jockosjungle

It is a thin line to tread, you can think that she is an adult and can make her own way in life but at the end of the day when it all goes tits uup you don't want your daughter left with loads of debts and a scarpered boyfriend.

Does the lad work?

Not sure why he is getting parking tickets at all, if he doesn't work, not sure why he needs a car, etc.

Can you not sit her down to sort out her finances if nothing else? Don't mention the boyfriend as such, but see the debts she owes and the ways in which she can save money, maybe reducing her unnecessary bills.

Its clear she does have a job and obviously pays rent, but surely the problem is simply she doesn't live within her means, when my wife wasn;t working I supported the two of us on my paltry wages, but I didn't end up in massive debts.

Why is he getting parking tickets? Is it that he knows she will pay?

crazyguy

Some ideas to help you lose him,


secretly place little doses of poison (e.g. insect repelant, rat killer) each time, to his food. make sure the aroma of the food is much stronger. he's so caught up in that stupid tv show to notice the taste anyway.

cut off pieces of his hair while he's asleep. makes him ponder to himself, especially waking up and seeing some hair on the pillow. scares him off, that he doesn't tell you he's thinking he has some sort of sickness that he may have gotten from that other girl.

place half a bottle of glue to that newly bought hair polish / hairdressing cream he got for himself and forbids you to use. this time, blame the manufacturers

And if everything fails and he's still there... just stab him with that six inched-shears your using to cut open the plastic cover of those newly bought blank cds he forcedly commands you to use to burn those !!!!!! videos he got from his perverted pals. coz he's so dumb to know how to operate the pc. pff.. he doesn't even know you have a copy of this article on your desktop.

globetraveller

Difficult one. If she can't get money from you then bf will get her to go to one of the countless pay day loan places. But then she may be up to her neck in them anyway. Do you think he is violent?
Show her this thread- and then just speak. Keep speaking- phone every day and be there. I'm sure you are doing that already. Hopefully the bf will get fed up soon.