Daughter in debt thanks to her boyfriend

missiemoo_2

Apologies if I've posted this in the wrong place! My daughter, early 20s is living with her boyfriend and from early on in their 3 year relationship it has become apparent that she has been paying his mobile bills, parking tickets etc - she ran up an overdraft with her own bank and stupidly closed the account with 300+ owing. She gets debt letters on a weekly basis from various companies and does nothing with them, ostrich syndrome obviously. I opened an account in my name for her to pay her salary into which was fine until she decided to stop doing that and have it paid into her bf's account. She begged us to lend her money to MOT her car which we foolishly did and guess what, we haven't got it back. It's impossible to reason with her as she 'loves him' - we can only hope that she comes to her senses at some point. Any comments would be appreciated.

euronorris

missiemoo wrote: »

Apologies if I've posted this in the wrong place! My daughter, early 20s is living with her boyfriend and from early on in their 3 year relationship it has become apparent that she has been paying his mobile bills, parking tickets etc - she ran up an overdraft with her own bank and stupidly closed the account with 300+ owing. She gets debt letters on a weekly basis from various companies and does nothing with them, ostrich syndrome obviously. I opened an account in my name for her to pay her salary into which was fine until she decided to stop doing that and have it paid into her bf's account. She begged us to lend her money to MOT her car which we foolishly did and guess what, we haven't got it back. It's impossible to reason with her as she 'loves him' - we can only hope that she comes to her senses at some point. Any comments would be appreciated.

The highlighted part is all you can do. And wait in the background, supportively. Don't put him down in front of her, as she will only get defensive of him.

Oh, and next time she begs to borrow money, don't lend it to her. Maybe if she had lost use of the car, she would start thinking more seriously about the effect his and her poor money management is having on her and then start to put a plan of action in place to change things.

Even if she cannot afford to pay the rent bill, I would offer her a place back at yours, rather than pay the rent bill.

It's gonna be bl00dy hard though.

dramaqueen1973

Hi

I sympathise with you, it must be sooo difficult as it is your daughter, however u need to be tough and let her be financially aware, we all have to learn and we have all been there.

((Hugs)) I hope it all turns out well, Im sure you will get lots of advice on here

Drama
x

missiemoo_2

Thanks for your comments - a problem shared and all that! Yes, we'll have to bide our time, very difficult for her dad as he wants to charge in guns blazing - and the offer of home is and always has been there and the next time a request for a loan is made I'll be struck with selective deafness.;)

marvellousaunt

My top tip as a daughter - don't nag! It will only get her back up and feel like she can't come to you. Make it known that you are there and you have her back so if/when she is stuck, she will come to you. Like another poster said, don't put the boyfriend down in front of her, again it will only get her back up and she needs to realise for herself.

As much as you want to 'save' her, the only way she will learn the consequences of her actions is if she experiences those consequences. You have a home and money to support her (it sounds like), so you can look after her if worse comes to the worst.

Don't panic and continue to be supportive of her as a person, unfortunately people have to be ready to accept help before they will take it

Maybe you could have an open discussion with her about her hopes/dreams/aspirations, one where you listen and not talk. Asking her what she wants to do with her life and if she wants to save up to buy a house or a car or a holiday... and then maybe she might join the dots (but don't do it for her).

BitterAndTwisted

Point your daughter in the direction of the Debt-Free Wannabe part of this forum and not lend her another penny until and unless she takes charge of her situation. People who get themselves bailed out of the mire generally learn nothing. Except how to borrow more.

euronorris

Oh, and also, please recognise that she isn't in debt because of her boyfriend. Unless he is physically harming her, or threatening her, then it is HER choice to pay his bills and so on. She has made just as many bad decisions as him.

I say this as someone who got into debt as a result of paying for her ex's stuff. I've been there, done that and realise now that I made the choice to make those payments. I may have felt at the time that it was all his fault, but I could've said no at any point.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

euronorris wrote: »

Even if she cannot afford to pay the rent bill, I would offer her a place back at yours, rather than pay the rent bill.

But JUST her, not her boyfriend.

That could concentrate their minds a bit.

euronorris

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

But JUST her, not her boyfriend.

That could concentrate their minds a bit.

Absolutely! Completely agree.

missiemoo_2

I so agree with everything you've all said - don't nag is particularly good advice, difficult but necessary! Yes, euronorris it is her doing and not his, she could have always said no, having said that I really do not know what goes on behind closed doors. She has changed from a very confident and happy young woman who took great pride in her appearance to the complete opposite - withdrawn, unhappy and not interested in how she looks, shame I can't pick her up and sit her on my knee like I used to until the pain went away.

sassyblue

missiemoo wrote: »

Thanks for your comments - a problem shared and all that! Yes, we'll have to bide our time, very difficult for her dad as he wants to charge in guns blazing - and the offer of home is and always has been there and the next time a request for a loan is made I'll be struck with selective deafness.;)

Bless you missiemoo, it must be awful but she's got to learn. I would also not lend to her anymore but suggest help sorting out her money and budgeting with what she's got coming in. At least that way you're offering some help without just saying no to lending.

If you need excuses about not lending the money.... it's getting hard for all of us right?