NOTHING should be more important than your children

BizzleBozzle

Wow! Stumbled across this thread by accident and it took me back 6 years! My ex had an affair and left after 11 years of marriage. Our sons were 8 and 9 at the time.

He moved 60 miles away to be with the gf. He messed me about every way you can think of over the next three years - let the kids down at short notice, was hours and hours late to pick them up. Expected me to put petrol in my car and pick kids up/meet him places with them (and I did!) Tried to have sex with me behind the gf's back (which I didn't lol!!!). Couldn't bear that I met someone else. Didn't pay bills despite my giving him the money for them, so I had to pay them twice over. Then stopped paying maintenance for months. There's more but I'm sure you get the gist!

Even after the divorce and I'd bought him out of the house, still played up frequently.

3 and a half years ago, I told him I was pregnant by my OH and he would be moving in. The ex was shocked but carried on as usual, sometimes letting the kids down etc. I kept it to myself, and tried not to criticize him to the boys. I knew that eventually they'd cotton on themselves, I also knew that to say bad things about their dad would be to have a go at a half of them as well, and I love all of them, not just the half that's me!

Anyway, one weekend, he couldn't see them at the last minute and they had to go without seeing him for an extra couple of weeks. Finally we got to his weekend again. He didn't show up. I rang the gf who said she was sure he would arrive soon. At midnight she rang to say she was informing the police. The police rang me at 8am the next day to ask what sort of mood he was in when last we spoke! Eventually he was found at his workplace apparently drunk (which didn't sound unusual for him).

Much later that day it turned out he wasn't drunk but had suffered a burst aneurysm in his brain and he ended up in intensive care. He nearly died several times that first week. I went into premature labour and had to tell my boys they had a new baby sister knowing they may lose their dad. Luckily he survived.

He now sees them as often as he can. He can't work or drive and his gf is his full time carer. He has told other people I know that he feels he has been given a second chance. My sons are teenagers now. They know how unreliable their dad was but they love him. We have our ups and downs, they are teenagers after all! But I can sleep easy knowing I was right all along, despite people thinking I should let them know what he was really like. I retained my integrity.

I'm still with the new OH we have 2 lovely little girls who are absolutely adored by their brothers. We are happy and all that turmoil of access weekends seems like a very dim and distant memory in fact I hadn't thought of it for ages until I read this thread!

I suppose my point is Natty I think you will do the right thing for you and your children. You're right, nothing should feature more importantly to a parent than their children but unfortunately some parents who don't live under the same roof, forget about the juggling you have to do when you have them! It's maddening, I can really remember feeling the way you do but just cuddle your kids and know that it's actually a very short time that they're young, and he's the one missing out not you. I wish I'd known about MSE and this sort of forum at the time, it was very lonely sometimes and would have been great to talk to others in the same situation.

Good luck to all of you going through this.

Carl31

nattyt wrote: »

Cannot see what a stag do has to do with all of the above!

Couldn't care less about the girlfriend- I am very happy in my own relationship.

Of course they won't be impaired but could be by his actions if they saw any of this behaviour.

To the poster who mentioned her own OH- mine is the same with his DD. There is no messing around, he does what he says he'll do and thats that. Its certainly how it should be.

There have been so many other issues as well. All I want is to get on with my life and he seems to throw a spanner in the works all the time. He has not contacted the children at all. I really do have kids with losers

What i was getting at was, is the issue hes not seeing his kids for a weekend, or is the issue its because his reason is related to his new GF, hence me asking would you still be annoyed if his reasons were due to, for example, going on a friends stag do?

Its just being a seperated father myself, i know what certain reactions can be like, and most of the time were never in the right, no matter what we do

BizzleBozzle

Carl31 wrote: »

What i was getting at was, is the issue hes not seeing his kids for a weekend, or is the issue its because his reason is related to his new GF, hence me asking would you still be annoyed if his reasons were due to, for example, going on a friends stag do?

Its just being a seperated father myself, i know what certain reactions can be like, and most of the time were never in the right, no matter what we do

I see what you mean Carl. I think the basic thing is, if he was going on a stag weekend you'd imagine he'd have had (and given her) a bit more notice than the wednesday of the week he's supposed to have the children. When things crop up and your children live with you, you either have to miss out, or make arrangements for them to be looked after. In Natty's case, she's annoyed because he obviously feels that he needs to fix his relationship rather than see his children who have been looking forward to seeing their dad. He hasn't treated them as human beings who might appreciate a bit of personal contact to explain why he won't be seeing them (even if he made up an excuse for them it would be better than nothing).

This is not a dig at separated fathers - it's just straightforward fact, sometimes people forget the amount of juggling required when you live with children!

Jinx

If its a one off then I'd give his motives the benefit of the doubt. If its a regular let down then I just wouldnt tell the children when hes due then they can just be excited when he turns up and if he doesnt life goes on as normal.

nattyt

Carl31 wrote: »

What i was getting at was, is the issue hes not seeing his kids for a weekend, or is the issue its because his reason is related to his new GF, hence me asking would you still be annoyed if his reasons were due to, for example, going on a friends stag do?

Its just being a seperated father myself, i know what certain reactions can be like, and most of the time were never in the right, no matter what we do

I so can see it from both points of view as like I've said my OH is the other side of me. He is the dad that has separated from the mum.

If he was like you say going to a stag do and have given advance notice then yes that would be fine. But he has messed the children around so much. There is no proper stability from him. Unfortunately this is a man that obviously has serious anger issues. This is something in just a very long line of things and for me i guess its the final straw. Its affecting every aspect of my life- our children, my relationship with my family in the respect that they watched me put up with his mental abuse for all those years, my friends who Have seen the pain and suffering and my new partner who god love him has to stand by and see the woman who he loves go through this but worse the children who he has come to adore be hurt.
Please believe me i am not man hater/daddy basher I just want him to do the right thing.
Bizzlebozzle- do you have kids with him too:rotfl:
Its hard is it not? Sometime you never know what is right? You can do right by one but wrong by the other. My mind is everywhere as i just don't know where to go from here. He has done some terrible things BUT he is not a terrible dad on the whole. I know he loves them, I know he'd never hurt them but it frightens me what they could see. It frightens me the influence he could have. He needs help I know that much- will he seek it? No probably not.
Thank you everyone. Your advise words of wisdom etc mean more than you could know. x

BizzleBozzle

There is no proper stability from him. Unfortunately this is a man that obviously has serious anger issues. This is something in just a very long line of things and for me i guess its the final straw. Its affecting every aspect of my life- our children, my relationship with my family in the respect that they watched me put up with his mental abuse for all those years, my friends who Have seen the pain and suffering and my new partner who god love him has to stand by and see the woman who he loves go through this but worse the children who he has come to adore be hurt.
Please believe me i am not man hater/daddy basher I just want him to do the right thing.
Bizzlebozzle- do you have kids with him too:rotfl:

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
Beginning to think maybe our ex's are as similar as Clark Kent and (not so) Superman!

Mine had issues where I wasn't sure if I should let them go with him when it was his weekend - he liked to drink and I couldn't be sure he wouldn't have had a drink or be over the limit when he was driving them about so I completely see why you are so stuck.

My family and friends also found it hard having watched me slowly die within the marriage and then to see him still having control over me when I was actually getting my true self back again afterwards. And I was just cripplingly worried that something terrible would happen that would damage my children mentally or physically. Thankfully it didn't. I wish I hadn't been so frightened at the time, I don't know what the fear was, but it was big and all encompassing. I hope you find more courage than I did. Your OH sounds good and supportive. Take some strength from that and that you are in the right and if you feel his temper's unpredictable speak to your solicitor about contact centres etc. it doesn't matter what fuss he kicks up at the end of the day, it will just prove your point anyway, and in the final analysis you need to protect your children.

Good luck, it does get easier I promise you!

nattyt

Thank you all! He uses money against me eg as in 'if you don't let me have the kids then I won't pay you maintenance. I have absolutely no faith in the CSA as my eldest DD's dad has never paid a penny in 12 years! Its tempting just to cut him out for a bit and let him prove himself but will he? I doubt it. Its also not fair on the kids but then nor is his behaviour.
Things can only get better! xx