NOTHING should be more important than your children

FatVonD

I agree with Kay Peel, if his head's a mess that's no place for the kids to be this weekend and maybe he knows that. Just say he's busy and he'll see them next week, if necessary I'd tell a white lie about why she's upset if it's upsetting your children (who indeed ARE the most important!), but I'd be telling them for their benefit, not for his.

I do believe in protecting children from the harsh realities of their parent's failings, they are just children and they love him and don't deserve to be carrying that on their little shoulders, if he's an @rse then they'll work that out for themselves when they're adults.

princessdreamer

Not sure why you feel the need to mention money or why you need to go, it would be cheaper if you stayed at home. Congratulations on having a man who does what he is supposed to do.

As for me I tell my children the truth daddy lives with x and her child, I have no idea where, no number for him and it is up to him to contact me or them. Of course my children are older and there is little point lying to them. Time has pretty much run out for my ex as son is doing his GCSE's, is the size of an adult male and has his own mind.

Slightly off topic but it would be funny if he applied for contact sighting me blocking him (never have but you know what they are like), for me to turn up at court with my son who towers over me to show the judge the small child being denied access to his father. Then again maybe not my son would tell his father where to go. Ex seems to think the children are the same as when he left as if time stood still.

purplepardalis

Erm, the money has to be spent on train fares to collect the children and take them back to their mum's at the end of the weekend. She decided to move over a hundred miles away to where her new fella lives. So, this money has to be spent for there to be contact.

But for us it is a priority bill.

3v3

make_me_wise wrote: »

....
However I dont understand women who try to protect their kids from the realities of what their father is really like ...

For a teacher, I am surprised at how sexist your observation is

Who's "reality" is the real "reality"

I can't speak for all parents, but, I always remind myself that "the" children are not "my children" but "our children". Therefore, the children have genetically inherited genes from both sets of parents; this means that the children can inherit traits and characteristics from either parent or from both (in some cases, from neither because they can resurface from generations back).

When you resort to telling children that one parent is 'good'/positive and one parent is 'bad'/negative, you are in effect saying that one half of your child is good and the other half is bad. Children align themselves with a particular parent at some (and different!) stages and are proud of that fact; if one parent tells that child the other parent is no good, you have a child wondering if they are also no good.

Equally, the relationship breaking down between parents is just that: the parents relationship. Just because Mum and Dad no longer "fit" doesn't mean that any children won't "fit" with both parents - they may or may not; only time will tell.

Parents do not necessarily "protect" their children from what the other parent is doing/experiencing ... they merely "protect" their children from issues and emotions which the children simply do not need to be exposed to because they are too young to understand! That is "good" parenting!!

What's not to understand?? What is the alternative? The perceived "good" parent slags off the perceived "bad" parent and phuks up the child's sense of security/self worth/confidence? Let the children make up their own minds, in their own time and when they are old enough to make that judgement: if the perceived "bad" parent is all they are made out to be, then time will out in the end.

A good parent (it can be a Mum or Dad) will protect their child from unnecessary suffering! That is called protecting the child; it doesn't mean they are protecting the other parent

Carl31

nattyt wrote: »

I am really upset and more than that VERY angry! Brief history-split with ex nearly year and half ago. 2 kids with him. Its not been easy but then nor was our relationship! (9years:eek:).
Anyway so Wednesday he loves me wants me back blah blah blah. Not interested and told him as much. Turns out he's fallen out with his girlfriend (same one he cheated on me with!) He slashed her tyres (yes really!) smashed up his own tv and all because she is a bit paranoid...hmm wonder why!!
Well thats by the by because he was meant to have our children this weekend and apparently can't as he has to sort things out with her. Now on Weds he told me she'd gone back to her home town but suddenly today she is somewhere else. Doesn't really matter where she is as the point is to me that surely NOTHING should be more important than seeing them??? This has been going on for days so why does it have to be apparently sorted out when he is meant to have them? Also after talking to his mum(who him and his gf live with) she seemed to think he was out with his friend and wasn't supposed to be having children?? Sorry if this is confusing!!
So where do I go from here? This is just something in a very long line of stuff. The children are understandable upset and I am sick of making excuses. Its having an effect on everyones lives and I am at my wits ends.
What would you do.xx

would you have been as upset if he had said he was going away on a friends stag do for the weekend and couldn't see his kids?

or is it due to him having another GF?

im pretty sure your kids lives wont be impaired due to not seeing their Dad for one weekend

pigpen

I am one who tells mine the truth... why are we not going to dads... he is going to a wedding/a party/a night dancing in another town/on holiday ... the list is endless.. anything is better than pending time with his children sadly... I tell them what he is doing and say but that means I get to spend more time with you.. give them a hug and they are so used to it they dont bat an eye now.. only the 2 younger ones are bothered about going now (6 and 8) the older ones have to be practically thrown out the door.

Their dad is such a self centred to55pot.. he has turned into his mother which is incredibly crappy for the children. He has disowned DS1 after he asked KH if he would be able to have the children for a couple of hours while I was in hospital, DS1 got a tirade of abuse and was disowned.. like it was his fault I was in hospital. He "forgets" to give the children heir medication.. which is not ok but not detrimental to the health of DD4 missing 1 dose but DS3 has just been diagnosed with diabetes so it is imperative he takes his injections checks his blood etc.. I am worried sick about DS3 being there TBH.

It isnt just dads that can be useless.. I have a friend who has a total loser XW who rarely sees their 3 children and walked out when the little one was just a few months old.. it is very sad.

nattyt

Carl31 wrote: »

would you have been as upset if he had said he was going away on a friends stag do for the weekend and couldn't see his kids?

or is it due to him having another GF?

im pretty sure your kids lives wont be impaired due to not seeing their Dad for one weekend

Cannot see what a stag do has to do with all of the above!

Couldn't care less about the girlfriend- I am very happy in my own relationship.

Of course they won't be impaired but could be by his actions if they saw any of this behaviour.

To the poster who mentioned her own OH- mine is the same with his DD. There is no messing around, he does what he says he'll do and thats that. Its certainly how it should be.

There have been so many other issues as well. All I want is to get on with my life and he seems to throw a spanner in the works all the time. He has not contacted the children at all. I really do have kids with losers

willow_loulou

If his head is as messed up as it seems from your posts Natty I think he is best off out of things where the kids are concerned for a bit so he doesnt say or do things that he/they regret. A break may upset the kids but they will get over it especially if you dont make a big thing of it around them. I have covered for my Ex many times in that manner made various excuses because ultimatley its a balanced and stable life the kids need regardless of whose weekend/night etc it maybe. As the primary carer the kids will take your lead, be cool and they will be too

As for the spanners, yup still get them after years and I sometimes swear its just to try and keep some control over me! Eventually I realised that non resident parents regardless of how dedicated they are will on occasion struggle to meet their responsibilities simply because their home life will at time take over.partners and new families are very demanding on time and emotional needs and sometimes they have to come first what ever we may think/wish. Its something unavoidable.
The best thing is to smile, take it in your stride and think of something fun to do with the kids instead,because thats what we have to do to make things right for the children. Its frustrating and often for me very upsetting seeing the kids disapointed but hey ho, I get more time with my babies and they really know deep down how safe and secure they are with me and that feels good!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Don't lie for him.


Otherwise you end up with teenage children who think Daddy is the Second Coming and Mummy is the evil witch and if they moved in with their Daddy, everything would be all OK.



My ex did it for a while. I never lied to DD, told her he had sent a message to say xxx and distracted her - usually by presenting a large tub of strawberries when she was having a bath.


These days (although it may not last), he has her for extra times when it helps me out. He's a complete $*(@£$*( to his stepson instead.

willow_loulou

I agree with JOJO never lie about what he is doing - just dont make it a big deal. No point letting it ruin your bonus time