NOTHING should be more important than your children

nattyt

I am really upset and more than that VERY angry! Brief history-split with ex nearly year and half ago. 2 kids with him. Its not been easy but then nor was our relationship! (9years:eek:).
Anyway so Wednesday he loves me wants me back blah blah blah. Not interested and told him as much. Turns out he's fallen out with his girlfriend (same one he cheated on me with!) He slashed her tyres (yes really!) smashed up his own tv and all because she is a bit paranoid...hmm wonder why!!
Well thats by the by because he was meant to have our children this weekend and apparently can't as he has to sort things out with her. Now on Weds he told me she'd gone back to her home town but suddenly today she is somewhere else. Doesn't really matter where she is as the point is to me that surely NOTHING should be more important than seeing them??? This has been going on for days so why does it have to be apparently sorted out when he is meant to have them? Also after talking to his mum(who him and his gf live with) she seemed to think he was out with his friend and wasn't supposed to be having children?? Sorry if this is confusing!!
So where do I go from here? This is just something in a very long line of stuff. The children are understandable upset and I am sick of making excuses. Its having an effect on everyones lives and I am at my wits ends.
What would you do.xx

Tropez

Personally, I'd seriously consider whether a man who slashes people's tyres and has anger issues should be allowed anywhere near my children (if I had any).

If he doesn't give a damn then see about doing something fun with your kids. As they get older, they'll realise what a jackass he is anyway.

Kay_Peel

Perhaps he was thinking of his children when he made the decision to leave them with you while he sorts himself out?

He lost it and went out of control. He made a right old mess of things - with his girlfriend and with trying to wheedle his way back into your life - and he took it out on some inanimate objects. He went too far and committed a crime by slashing girlfriends' tyres (and he may have to face the consequences) Now he's got to clear up the mess - and I don't just mean the broken objects, or getting the tyre replaced - I mean his life.

In your situation I would understand why he is incapable of being a good father and caring for children this weekend. His head's gone! The children are better off in a calm, safe environment rather than with him. They wouldn't have his undivided attention, so I don't think he's being unreasonable - in fact it sounds sensible, in the circumstances.

There really is no need for the children to get upset if it's explained properly - without going into any details, of course - and if some alternative weekend is offered to them. They can still contact in some way (text, phone, email, letter, card etc), surely?

AmandaD28

Natty I completely agree and without turning into a daddy bashing some parents just don't know where their priorities lie ! (note I said parents and not just men !)

Of course like my own kids its your kids I feel sorry for I could've wrote a similar post about my ex - in fact I did tonight lol

Completely agree with Tropez though if he has that much anger maybe he shouldn't be around the kids at least not while he is in that frame of mind without further info I'm unsure if its an isolated incident or if this is a frequent behaviour. Its also not that long ago since my ex asked after 3 yrs and a divorce if he could move back into my home - errr no way never .

I'm sorry I haven't really got anything more constructive to add I'm pretty much at a loss with my ex too I'm sure you already know it but you aren't alone out there and if you ever wanna sound off feel free to PM me.

Take care and enjoy your extra time with your children sadly there will almost definately be more times where this happens and they will need you to reassure them that whatever happens you will always be there for them its upsetting and frustrating I know but as my solicitor once said to me you can't force him to be a dad if he doesn't want to be its his choice. I just remind myself that I'm the lucky one I live with my children I adore them and they adore me, we really do have lots of quality time together and when they grow up they will look back on that and remember I was there whilst he was not he had "more important" matters to attend to he will then have those questions to answer and quite how he does that is his problem.

Alikay

He sounds a complete pillock, natty. However, I'd be quite relieved that he wouldn't be having the children this week while things are so emotionally charged!

I wouldn't make excuses as such for him, but I'd explain to the children that he and his gf had been arguing and getting cross this week, so they'd be better at home until things had calmed down.

3v3

Alikay wrote: »

....
I wouldn't make excuses as such for him, but I'd explain to the children that he and his gf had been arguing and getting cross this week, so they'd be better at home until things had calmed down.

Personally, I think that is too much information. Depending on the age of the children talk of "arguing", "getting cross", "better at home", "calmed down" can create all sorts of scenarios in their heads which could cause them unnecessary worry and anxiety.

Just as sometimes their friends can't make it for tea/party/event it is fine to say to the children that it is not possible to spend the weekend with Dad (fact) and then turn attention to how disappointed they must feel (empathy) and then tell them what they will be doing this weekend instead (something for their minds to focus on).

nattyt

Kay_Peel wrote: »

Perhaps he was thinking of his children when he made the decision to leave them with you while he sorts himself out?

He lost it and went out of control. He made a right old mess of things - with his girlfriend and with trying to wheedle his way back into your life - and he took it out on some inanimate objects. He went too far and committed a crime by slashing girlfriends' tyres (and he may have to face the consequences) Now he's got to clear up the mess - and I don't just mean the broken objects, or getting the tyre replaced - I mean his life.

In your situation I would understand why he is incapable of being a good father and caring for children this weekend. His head's gone! The children are better off in a calm, safe environment rather than with him. They wouldn't have his undivided attention, so I don't think he's being unreasonable - in fact it sounds sensible, in the circumstances.

There really is no need for the children to get upset if it's explained properly - without going into any details, of course - and if some alternative weekend is offered to them. They can still contact in some way (text, phone, email, letter, card etc), surely?

Wow thank you for putting this in such an amazing way. See this is why I love these forums! Sometimes speaking to family and friends doesn't help as they are too emotionally involved so having the totally unbiased view point is great.

Unfortunately with regards to what they've been told he actually told my 3 year old son that daddy has to sort things out with xxxx because she is very upset right now. That wouldn't have been so bad as he just takes everything in his stride but he passed this info onto DD2 whos 6 and really really sensitive and she now says she hates him and is never going there again. :eek: I would have probably said hes working but then part of me is fed up with covering for him so maybe it is best they know the truth.
Anyway they are fine now. We have a family party today which they wouldn't have come to as they'd have been at their dads and so now can.

Thank you everyone for your great replies and for giving me a different prospective on it all.

P.S and i've calmed down!!:rotfl:

make_me_wise

nattyt wrote: »

I am really upset and more than that VERY angry! Brief history-split with ex nearly year and half ago. 2 kids with him. Its not been easy but then nor was our relationship! (9years:eek:).
Anyway so Wednesday he loves me wants me back blah blah blah. Not interested and told him as much. Turns out he's fallen out with his girlfriend (same one he cheated on me with!) He slashed her tyres (yes really!) smashed up his own tv and all because she is a bit paranoid...hmm wonder why!!
Well thats by the by because he was meant to have our children this weekend and apparently can't as he has to sort things out with her. Now on Weds he told me she'd gone back to her home town but suddenly today she is somewhere else. Doesn't really matter where she is as the point is to me that surely NOTHING should be more important than seeing them??? This has been going on for days so why does it have to be apparently sorted out when he is meant to have them? Also after talking to his mum(who him and his gf live with) she seemed to think he was out with his friend and wasn't supposed to be having children?? Sorry if this is confusing!!
So where do I go from here? This is just something in a very long line of stuff. The children are understandable upset and I am sick of making excuses. Its having an effect on everyones lives and I am at my wits ends.
What would you do.xx

Your kids are seeing their dad for exactly what he is. Very hard for children of any age to cope with when their dad behaves in the way you describe above.

However I dont understand women who try to protect their kids from the realities of what their father is really like, making excuses for them. In the long run OP this current upset could save them years of heartache. They are going to see through him very quickly and if they decide they dont wnat to know it will be his loss only.

As terribly hard as all this must be, just keep going OP. It is clearly only going to be yourself who will ever be a good parental role model to your kids.

adamantine

i would be making it clear to him that when the kids are meant to be going nothing comes in the way of that especially not a new gf and kids are his main priority.

i wouldnt lie for him either. i obv wouldnt say "daddy says he went mental and slashed **** tyres and smashed up the tv so you cant go there as he is trying to say sorry to her but grandma says he went and got smashed in the pub instead" but i would say "daddy is busy so we are going to do x, y and z this weekend instead"

sounds like you and the kids are well shot of him!

[Deleted User]

When my ex husband can't see his son for one reason or another, I ask him to at least phone him up to explain and reassure him that he loves him and will see him soon. Can you ask your ex to do the same?

purplepardalis

My step sons are so lucky. Their Dad (my OH) has never let them down on a weekend they were supposed to be here. Sometimes we have rejigged things but that is weeks or months in advance.

It costs us £120 in train fares each weekend and it's a 6 hour round trip to get them but we always find it even if it means going without something else.

If we can do it, I don't see why others can't.

Sorry OP, I derailed your thread slightly once you had come to your conclusion. It just annoys me when parents offload their responsibilities