Getting help with parenting?

JodyBPM

Does anyone know where you can access help with parenting?

I struggle quite a bit with my 5 year old son. He's fairly challenging, but his behaviour certainly isn't overly extreme. School have no major issues with him, and consider him not to be outside of the norm, although they do accept he is challenging, and far from the easiest child to handle. His behaviour is nowhere near bad enough to need intervention from health or social services, but as a family we need some help and support. I don't know where to look for it though?

The main issues I have are his explosive anger (incidents are becoming fewer, but at 5.5 he still has occasional major rages, including shouting, screaming, hitting, kicking, throwing thing etc which seem to just come out of nowhere), exteme stubborness and unwillingness to fall in with what others are doing if he decides he doesn't want to, inability to follow rules and wanting his own way ALL of the time. He doesn't seem to care if he hurts or upsets people, and doesn't seem to have the desire to please people that most children seem to have.

We've obviously tried all the normal parenting techniques such naughty step, reward charts, offering choices, talking about consequences etc, but we're still a long way off a harmonious family life. He also gets plenty of sleep, and a healthy non processed diet. I also give him omega 3 supplements (which frankly don't seem to have made any difference, but both my children like them, so I guess they can't do any harm)

He can be a lovely little boy, he kind and gentle to little children, he shares really nicely (unprompted he will always offer his sister to share party bags when he's been to a party etc), and, when he's in the right mood, he can be a real delight helping out with unpacking shopping or sitting calmly reading to me or having a chat about his day. He just seems very moody, very unpredicable and once he's gone into one, completely impossible to handle.

I'm inclined to think we need something like family therapy to look at his anger issues, and how we all as a family can interact better. I feel there is a constant power struggle between myself and DH and him. I really want to look at this now, as I'm terrified about him growing up and still not having the self control to deal with these angry outbursts. TBH at 5 its quite scary when he lashes out, but is manageable, but at 13/14/15 it's going to be so much harder.

Can anyone point me in the right direction of where I could find out about family therapy or anger counselling or similar?


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Spendless

Do you have a children's centre? Mine run parenting classess 'The incredible years'. The school also ran one before our children's centre was built which was called 'What Can a parent do?' which was run by families first. Both were held in the day-time though which is potentially a problem if you work.

joolsybools

I'm afraid I can't help but well done for asking for help and good luck with it

JodyBPM

We do have a children centre, but the are ONLY prepared to deal with children under 5. I spoke to them once when he was just shy of 5, and they came out and did a home visit and I did find it useful from a support point of view, although all they did was talk about the same parenting techniques that we already use (naughty step/choices and consequences etc). They then said that they couldn't come again as he would be 5 and their funding is ringfenced for the under 5s, and they had no idea where to signpost us to for help for over 5s.

TBH that's probably exactly what I am looking for, something like the support offered by surestart children's centres, but for over 5s.

joolsybools

Why not try http://familylives.org.uk/ ? or http://parenting.greatvine.com/browse-experts?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=parenting&gclid=CPGCjqilvasCFakLtAodhTDpmg ?

I'm not a parent so have never used either but they might be good places to start

carolwat

Is the only other child a girl? If so are you comparing his behaviour to hers? Boys are a completely different species to girls and my mil always says that boys have to be the dominant one and try to show they are the boss. My son was the same, hes not naughty, hes just male and doing what comes naturally. It wont be like this forever and once he realises that his behaviour doesnt get him what he wants he will give up. Dont give him attention when hes kicking off. I did and still do the counting to 3 with my son. If he cant bring his temper under control then he goes to his room until he calms down. Ive never actually reached 3 Goodluck. Its hard when youre going through it and you cant see an end but youve said yourself, the episodes are becoming fewer.

JodyBPM

Yes, my other child is a girl, and I'm quite aware that I can't have the same behaviour expections of DS that I have of DD. My two are only just over a year apart, so I do worry a bit about the family dynamics of having the older DD who is exceptionally well behaved, and then DS who is constantly pushing the boundries. I worry a lot about DD also, because sometimes I think she has too much of her identity wrapped up in being "the good girl". Whilst she presents us with NO problems at all at the moment, I do have concerns about how she will cope in the future if she's not always the "best" at everything. And then I worry about DS and whether he feels he is "the naughty one" and whether that affects his behaviour. I do a lot of positive re-inforcement with him to try to break through this. Incidently, these roles have come more from the sibling dynamic than from us as parents, DH and I have always been very careful not treat them as the good one/the not so good one.

At the moment with DS I think its the anger issue/lack of self control issue that we need to address. If we could get him to calm down and listen we could probably rationally and calmly be able to discuss the other things with him, as I said, inside he's a lovely little boy. But quite often I think he doesn't hear/take in the choices & consequences side of things as he's already half way into a blind rage. And I worry about where all this anger has come from? But he has always been like this - he was an angry baby, an angry toddler, and now an angry school child:(

cobbingstones

Ask at your school for a referral to the Home School Link Worker Service (if they have one). You will be supported and they will work with you to provide different techniques and strategies that may help you and son.

Good luck!

cobbingstones

Also can I recommend a book? Its called ' How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'. Its available from Amazon and has fantastic reviews.

izzybusy23

JodyBPM wrote: »

We do have a children centre, but the are ONLY prepared to deal with children under 5. I spoke to them once when he was just shy of 5, and they came out and did a home visit and I did find it useful from a support point of view, although all they did was talk about the same parenting techniques that we already use (naughty step/choices and consequences etc). They then said that they couldn't come again as he would be 5 and their funding is ringfenced for the under 5s, and they had no idea where to signpost us to for help for over 5s.

TBH that's probably exactly what I am looking for, something like the support offered by surestart children's centres, but for over 5s.

Do you have a parent support advisor at the school who can tap in to resources for your child? My DD went through similar earlier this year and last year when me and her dad split up. She got incredibly angry and cheeky and tried to run out of school on numerous occasions. I saw the PSA quite a few times who gave me techniques and also was going to refer her for play therapy but that was going to either be self funded (£10 a session) or could be done under a CAF.

Ask your school if they have a PSA.

Becles

Have you tried the school nurse? The school office will be able to put you in touch. I know they can offer various services themselves or point you in the direction of someone who can help.

Also ask if your school has a parent support worker. I've accessed ours before with my middle son when he was struggling to cope with the sudden deaths of my Gran and his friend. She talked to him and gave us tips for dealing with death and feelings, and how to deal with his emotional outbursts.

If you go to your GP, you can be referred to services such as CAMHS, who will deal with any mental health issues. My middle son was referred to there as well, as he was being aggressive as he didn't know how to control his feelings about the grief and anger over losing his friend and my Gran.

Hope you get things sorted out with him xx