Help....Living with bf and his mum

kayandy_2

Hi, ive been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and we are trying to save for a house, when i first met him he was living on his own in a flat and i was living with a friend in a flat however due to saving for a house and me being off work since july with depression we were talking to his mum about money worries and she told us to move in with her if we wanted to this was 3 months ago we both moved in the day after she asked us.

her house is a 3bed and is quite big she was in it on her own due to bfs dad passing when bf was 10 years old he is now 22. i think she invited us due to being lonley on her own as she dosnt really go out much and dosnt have many visitors. She wouldnt take any money off us for rent so instea we do all the food shopping and pay eletric bill as her house is now her own and the morgage has been paid off.

Im truly greatful to her and i get on with her really well we spend alot of time together going shopping and out for coffee etc however im currently suffereing from depression and anxiety and am finding it really difficult tto be here as its not my house i try to help her out with chours and cleaning etc but she goes over it saying that its not done the way she does it and it strating to great on me. i also feel trapped all the time as i dont like being in the other rooms that isnt our bedroom as i feel like im intruding. i knw she is lonley and like having us their for the company but she is also starting to treat the bf like a baby agen she does all his cooking washing ironing she even cleans the room when im out, she will go to the shop for him etc and this is also doing my head in as he is starting to take her for granted and expect her to do it and become lazy which is causing friction between us.

I have no idea what to do anymore as i have tried talking to my bf about it and he tells me to stop being silly please help as im at my wits end.. dont get me wrong i love her to bits and we get on great i just dont think im going to be able to do it for much longer and i cannt move back in with my mum as her house is a 2 bed and my 19 year old sister and 2 yr old brother live with her...

P.s sorry about the long post..

Mojisola

You're not alone in finding this difficult. See some of the stories on here - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3496075

It sounds a very difficult situation, even without putting depression in the mix. Your OH is going to have to grow up and accept that his Mum shouldn't still be treating him like a 10 year old. Either he's old enough to have a partner or he's a little boy being looked after by Mum.

CH27

Did you set a timeframe for living with her?
Have you managed to save a deposit?

Tish_P

If you can afford to move out with your boyfriend - even to a smaller space that is yours - tell him you need to do that, and in a certain timescale. Don't slag her off but make it clear you simply aren't happy. "Your mum is lovely but living with her isn't working out for me. I would like us to start looking for a new place together."

Ultimately if he likes having his mummy tidy his bedroom more than he wants to move in with you, you might have to give an ultimatum and be prepared to follow it through. You're both very young and it's possible he's just not ready for moving-in-together commitment - heaven knows I wasn't at 22. But living like this is obviously really miserable for you, so you need to get out for the sake of your sanity.

Pollycat

Hi
Does your boyfriend know that you are suffering from depression?
Are you taking any medication for it? i.e. have you been diagnosed by a doctor?
I think your boyfriend is very wrong to tell you to stop being 'silly' in this situation which is obviously upsetting you a lot.
That's dismissive and (imho) disrespectful to you.

If I were doing some cleaning for someone and they didn't like how I did it and re-did it themselves, I'd be upset too.

I think you need to have a long, straight chat to your boyfriend and tell him everything that is not working for you - I think cleaning your room when you're out (even though it is her house) is an intrusion.
Do not let him fob you off as 'being silly'.

Bufger

Are you saving for a deposit? working towards a goal often makes difficult times easier - you can put up with it thinking 'only two more paydays to go..'

If you're not saving successfully then you can easily feel like you're becoming trapped.

Make yourself a gameplan and keep to it!

Kay_Peel

You aren't well and you need looking after.

What would I do if I was suffering from a debilitating physical illness like shingles or the flu? I'd go back to my mum's for a short time. I'd do the same if my mental health was at risk.

I think you need to get away for a couple of weeks or until you feel strong enough to live in that house again. It should be no big deal to your b/f and his mother - they might even encourage you to do what's best for you. It's no good staying put just to save their feelings and you're not going to get better in your present situation. Pack a few things and go home where you can relax and look after yourself.

LadyMorticia

You're not alone, hun.

My DH and I still live with his parents. I have M.E, which makes things difficult anyway, but I'm really unhappy here and I can't put my finger on why, exactly. I get on well with my in-laws but I just feel more comfortable in my own space, in my own home. I have alot of mental health problems too and being here just isn't doing my health any good.

ska_lover

From various threads I have read on this site, I think adults who live with their parents again tend to fall back into their previous role as in the parent and child role.

I get on well with my mil but could no way live with her.

Speak to your oh and tell him as suggested that you two really need your own space.

Pee

I think it's perfectly normal to be feeling as you are, and that's without the depression.

I think you need to know what your long term plan is. This might be manageable as a short term plan, but it is not manageable longer term and it is unfair to his mum if you move out when she starts to need a bit more care and looking after. (She might be years away from this and may be able to let go, but some mum's can't.)

Of course she is going to run around after him and of course they will revert to a parent / child relationship... It's normal for her to want to do things for him.

If I was supporting someone through depression and the only perswon in a household going out to work, I wouldn't take too kindly being told that I was lazy for allowing someone else to do my ironing, when to be fair, I probably would only have ironed a couple of real essentials myself as I didn't have the time. Maybe he isn't supporting you, but thinking about someone and being their only support in life can bhe very hard work and very tiring, even though it obviously isn't really physical. I know because I have been there.

MissGivings_2

It's very difficult to talk to your BF directly because he's part of the situation.

Show him this post, just as it is and the replies too.
I hope that would let him see what he cannot at the moment.
Best Wishes