Help....Living with bf and his mum

kayandy_2

Thank you guys i feel beter now knowing im not alone. My ohs mum is going out tonight so i plan on talking to him then. we are only about a quater of the way to saving a deposit as were both on low incomes...i think ill explain to him whats going on in my head then say i might stay at my mums for a while and see what his responce is but thankyou so much for your replys

barbiedoll

If moving out is not possible then try to work out exactly what it is that you'd like to change, to make you feel better, and write it down.
For example....

Your bedroom is your space and you don't want his mum coming in to clean and tidy it, that's your job.

If she doesn't think that you are doing certain chores "properly" then ask her how she wants them done, get her to show you if necessary. Tell her that you want to be doing stuff around the house and that exercise and work is good for your depression, much more helpful than sitting watching tv all day, etc etc.

Cooking and washing etc. It's nice to have someone do all your stuff for you but tell her and BF that at least a couple of times a week, you want to be able to cook a meal together (you and BF, not you and her!) and to eat as a couple. You want to be responsible for washing and ironing his stuff (if that's what you want) and that when you get your own place, you need to be able to cope with this stuff alone, she's not helping either of you by doing it all for you.

Paying rent. If you actually pay rent, as opposed to buying food or paying a bill, you'll feel as though you have a say in what happens in the house. Tell her that you would feel more comfortable buying your own food and paying some rent for your room. This makes the agreement slightly more formal, more so than just staying in her house, you will actually be a "tenant" and can feel more justified asking for a bit more privacy.

See if you can get a (temporary) lock on your bedroom door. I know it will be difficult to ask for this, but it will stop her coming in whenever she feels like it, to clean and tidy etc.

Call a house meeting and take your list with you. Stress that you appreciate her help and support but that you need to be thinking of your mental health and that being looked after and mollycoddled is not good for you. Don't mention your BF and his laziness, it's the natural response to living with his mum, I daresay most of us would revert to type if we were in his position. Work out how much money you need to save before you can move out and get a definite date to work towards. Make sure that every penny goes into your savings and keep on at BF to ensure that he is on board with this. Don't let him get into the habit of putting off a moving date, if there is no chance of you saving for a deposit to buy, tell him that you will be happy to rent if it means that you get your own place. Make sure that he knows how unhappy you are, tell him that you want to be a proper couple and the sooner that you make definite plans, the sooner it will happen.
Good luck, I know it's not an easy situation to be in.

Pee

Are you saving at least what the mortgage payment would be if you bought with the deposit you enviasage? I don't know what these figures would be, but you should be saving at least what the mortgage you want would be with an interest rate of 8%. If this is less because of your illness now, then so be it, but this puts an enormous pressure on you not to be unwell once the house is purchased if interest rates go up, pressure that you should be trying to protect yourself from.