my mum is taking in a guy she hardly knows...argh!

There_Goes_Trouble

Surely if he drives elderly people around he must be CRB checked, and probably the enhanced CRB too for working with children and vulnerable adults. That must give him an ounce of credibility.

I know a bloke in a very similar situation and he's honest and genuine, just down on his luck and needing a roof over his head. He's found a landlady to lodge with, again in similar circumstances to the OP. From the outside you would all say the same thing about my friend, but you'd all be wrong.

I'm not saying the OP's mother shouldn't take care and do more checks/agreements than she currently is doing, (I really would advise that she does this properly and seeks advice on what she should do before this man moves in,) but I am saying that it's wrong to brand this man as a potential criminal looking for an easy ride, when no one here knows anything about him.

My friend's failure maintain a steady relationship (2 ex-wives, 4 children and now just split up from girlfriend hence needing a new place to live) doesn't automatically mean he'll be a bad lodger, fail to pay rent or will take advantage of his new landlady!! (who, incidentally he hasn't known for very long either!!)

jetplane

If she's going on holiday on her own so often then she's not some little old lady who can't handle herself, she's obviously pretty independent.

And if he's responsible for groups of elderly people on holiday then he's obviously not just some layabout.

Ames don't you think you're also jumping to conclusions?

If your mother goes on holiday every couple of months does this mean the lodger will be home alone :eek:

Im with you all the way on this AC. I dont think the fact that he has 2 kids with different women and is in a financial mess is a main factor as the two issues may well go hand in hand.

However I would be expecting him to realise the implications of his moving in and the concerns of your family. I would be expecting him to propose some sort of formal and financial agreement and agree house rules and notice periods.

A CRB check states criminal offences, it doesn't highlight those who haven't been caught or reported, so reading that wouldn't clear up any concerns.

Is there a possibility of you meeting this man and asking him to set up formal agreements? Surely this would not be a problem for him if he is genuine.

Annisele

I'm not sure he necessarily would have to have a CRB check for driving a bus - elderly does not equal vulnerable. (Even if he does, I'm not an enormous fan of the CRB; it just shows that people haven't been caught doing anything criminal, and I'd be more worried about the clever confidence tricksters than the stupid ones).

Having said that, I also agree that it's unfair expect the guy to try to fleece the OP's mother. Nevertheless, even though I wouldn't expect fleecing, in the mother's shoes I'd certainly be informing my mortgage lender/insurance company/council etc ... and making sure I at least knew his surname. That isn't just about trashing the place; if she ever needs to contact him she can hardly call the bus company asking to leave an urgent message for "John".

Mojisola

AbbieCadabra wrote: »

mum has just told me that this guy is moving in with her next week as a lodger. she guesses they'll sort 'something out' money wise, but he won't be there often due to being away driving. none of her friends have met him & she doesn't even know his surname...

Looking at this objectively, it wouldn't matter who was inviting this stranger into their home - it's not wise to start out like this.

If arrangements aren't discussed and sorted out before someone moves in, there will be problems.

AbbieCadabra

it's interesting to see some comments from an opposite perspective to mine, whilst they may be a little hard for me to take on board at the moment, i appreciate a different viewpoint, thank you.

in all this, please believe that i have my mum's best interests at heart & i'm desperately worried that she is making a terrible mistake. i sincerely hope that this guy is as genuine as she believes he is & everything will be alright.

i tried to speak to her again last night, it didn't go too well as my anger & frustration with her took over a little at some points. the more she tried to explain, the worse it seemed to get.

on one hand she says it will do them both good, he needs some stability & her some company (she's never admitted any feelings of loneliness until now, as i said earlier, she's very active & out more often than not. but then i appreiciate this might be a difficult thing to admit). but in the next breath she says "but he'll hardly be here because of his job", so which is it?

for 2 years ive been trying to get her to have a laptop & internet access, i even mentioned the local courses they do for 'her generation' as she'd need to have a bit of help getting started online etc. she's ummed & ahh'd, but not really been interested. this subject hasn't been mentioned for a while as i'd given up, out of the blue last weekend she said that she was going to get broadband & asks me 'what do i need to do?' knowing what's happening now, i can only guess the lodger has mentioned broadband & she's eager to please.

i tried to explain to her that i feel i'm doing a terrible dis-service to this guy by thinking the worst, but can't she understand why i'm sick with worry? well, yes, but only up to a point she says. she says i have no faith in her judgement, i tell her that she's right & remind her of 'X' who she thought was a friend & turned out to not to be & caused no end of problems between us.

reading between the lines of what she said last night, i have a feeling that she's almost talked herself into this being a good decision & that's it, it's what she's doing. i mentioned a few of the pitfalls & implications of the situation & all i got was "but he wouldn't do that, he's a lovely man. he just wouldn't".

i guessed that this was all put in motion about 6-8 weeks ago & she said yes, i asked why only tell me now at the last minute? "because i knew this was how you'd react". fair point, but i was never going to be happy with this, why not involve me from the beginning, get it all done on a formal lodger basis & perhaps i could have met him too, if that was ok with you? - complete silence from her.

& of course i'm biased, i can't help it, she's my mum!

i'll post off the stuff i printed out for her & that's it, i can't have any more involvement at the minute (this is another thing, i'm off on holiday in a few days - all this will be happneing while i'm away. timing? anything to hide?!). anything i say is just taken as criticism & putting her down, so i'm best off out of it & just hope it's all ok. it's hurting me so much to do this, but i can't see any other way...

There_Goes_Trouble

To be honest Abbie, hard as it seems you have done everything you can.

You've voiced your concerns and you have provided your Mum with the info she needs to do the whole lodger thing properly if that's what she wants to do. I don't see how you can do any more. She is an adult after all and despite having been caught out once before, you know you cannot stop her doing this.

I don't see that you have any more options other than to hope that your Mum's judgement is correct this time.

I will keep my fingers crossed that she has indeed found a bloke just like my mate who, despite his track record with romantic relationships, is a genuine and decent bloke. There are a few out there!

Try not to let this spoil your holiday.