Do I send christmas presents this year?

Alligg

My Dad and I used to be very close,I lived with him when he split up from my mum.
Some of the problems started when I was still living at home and he re married,my step mum has never hidden the fact she did not like me from the start,I was not in to the same things as my step sister all I wanted to do was my sport and horse riding.my step sister was one on the nasty !!!!!y bullies at school and so was popular because people wanted to be on the right side of her.she is younger than me but her mum treated us the same age buying us the same things,same curfew times etc.I took the blame for a lot of stuff my step sister did and she knew she could get away with it.she wrapped my dad round her little finger and he left my step mum to discipline us.I was badly bullied at school and felt I could not even tell my dad,my sisters told him years later when they found out.I started acting up to get his attention and to show him I was still there and to try and get him to listen to me but at that age you don't understand its the wrong way to do things.I left home at 17 and was told by my step mum not to expect to come back and other than a couple of visits at christmas I never did.I have never asked my dad for anything and he has never offered any help.we got along a bit better after I returned from working abroad and I went back to college to do something I enjoyed,I got my confidence back and I did really well and got a job at the end of it with a Lord.of course my step mum soon wanted to know then and started calling and visiting because it looked good to her friends,she did not like it when I did not buy into her false niceness and when I left that job she soon went back to her old ways.things were ok until I got divorced,my dad never once offered any kind of support.I was due to re marry and I asked my dad to give me away,he said ok and as he was working away I wrote him a letter asking for his suite measurements and the deposit(they had all agreed to pay for their own suite hire)he rang kicking off as to why we needed it so soon and I explained that we had to book them in plenty of time,he said not to bother with a suit for him and he would wear his own,I asked why as everyone else was ok with it,he then said he wouldn't be coming to the wedding and he put the phone down.he sent a card on my wedding day and nothing has been said about why he wasn't there.when my sister got re married there he was standing up making a big speech about how proud he was of her for what she had done with her life and how much he loved her.I let it go and carried on for a few more months then it was my eldest sisters silver wedding anniversary party and as a surprise I suggested the family chip in and get some fireworks.I said I would organise it and would arrange with the venue for them to be set off.I tried for 3 days to get hold of my Dad to be told by my sis he has a new phone number,then when I spoke to him he was so negative saying fireworks are a waste of money and too much hassle and that he did not like them.I said they are not for you they are for Anth and Bob and you don't have to do anything I will sort it,he made a comment about not being able to sort anything then he hung up.that was the last time I spoke to him,then I found out the whole family but me were invited to my step sisters wedding and then my niece said in his speech that it was lovely to have all his daughters there on the special day.I was devastated,what have I done that is so bad my Dad would not want to acknowledge me as his daughter,he has since moved house and I was not even given his new address.
I'm sorry it's so long winded but thank you for listening.

CH27

Does your dad have financial problems?
Both times you have asked for money & got a very negative response. Could he be struggling & scared/embarrassed to admit it?

basscadette

That's awful Aligg, really awful and I understand now you seem to tbe the one doing all the running and suffering. Fmailies are really complicated, especially when wicked step mothers are involved. My husband had similar issues although he and his dad are closer now.

Your dad has behaved badly here and to be honest, regardless of what I said above, I would probably back off in this case and just make sure you stay close to your sisters. I wouldn;t be able to forgive him for some of the things you mention here - particularly his not going ot your wedding. He doesn;t deserve your perseverence to be honest - the reality is different to how your first post came accross.

xx

Lily_The_Legend

CH27 wrote: »

Does your dad have financial problems?
Both times you have asked for money & got a very negative response. Could he be struggling & scared/embarrassed to admit it?

That's what I was wondering. Or maybe the stepmum holds the pursestrings?!

(((Hugs))) OP, how about writing him a letter saying you'd like to meet up for a pre-Christmas drink this year instead of buying presents and not seeing each other. Then maybe you could try to bury the hatchet?

Alligg

Lily_The_Legend wrote: »

That's what I was wondering. Or maybe the stepmum holds the pursestrings?!

(((Hugs))) OP, how about writing him a letter saying you'd like to meet up for a pre-Christmas drink this year instead of buying presents and not seeing each other. Then maybe you could try to bury the hatchet?

Hi
Far from it,he always moans about money he is from Yorkshire lol
seriously though,he is fairly well off,he made a lot from doing up 2 houses a few years ago.he has no mortgage owns 2 homes.he has always been careful with money and he paid for my sisters honeymoon and most of my step sisters wedding and he gave my other sis money towards another car.
even when I got in to problems with debt I have never asked him for anything.
I have tried hard to think of something that I have done that is so bad that he would just cut me off,I don't know if my step mum is behind any of it, he did not go to my sisters first wedding because she told him not to or she would leave him.
I am too scared to ask him to meet I don't want anymore hurt,its never going to go away but I have come to accept I do not have a Dad.

Lily_The_Legend

Alligg wrote: »

Hi
Far from it,he always moans about money he is from Yorkshire lol
seriously though,he is fairly well off,he made a lot from doing up 2 houses a few years ago.he has no mortgage owns 2 homes.he has always been careful with money and he paid for my sisters honeymoon and most of my step sisters wedding and he gave my other sis money towards another car.
even when I got in to problems with debt I have never asked him for anything.
I have tried hard to think of something that I have done that is so bad that he would just cut me off,I don't know if my step mum is behind any of it, he did not go to my sisters first wedding because she told him not to or she would leave him.
I am too scared to ask him to meet I don't want anymore hurt,its never going to go away but I have come to accept I do not have a Dad.

Sounds like she may have something to do with it then. What is so wrong in wanting to attend your own daughter's wedding though?

That's very sad, but if you cut all ties then at least you will save yourself any more hurt. x

euronorris

I'm so sorry to hear about this Alligg. Big ((HUGS)) for you.

I think this may all be down to the step mum, and the influence she is having. I have seen it with a friend of mine, and also with my OH's step dad influencing his Mum too. And whilst the step-parents play their part, the parents also have a part to play in this. For example, if ever threatened with divorce over supporting a child, they should choose to support the child and let the step parent fester (I think it's highly unlikely they'd actually go through with any divorce to be honest).

I think you should write a letter explaining that you won't be buying gifts anymore, so you don't expect any in return either, and then look for some counselling to deal with all of this.

Best wishes.

Euro xx

Alligg

I have asked my sister for his address and I am going to write a letter,I have been sat for the last 30mins trying to get the words out but the paper is still blank.

Thank you so much for all your support,its hard to talk about these things and none of you have judged my situation.

victory

Not here to judge;)

somethingsgottogive

I'm sorry of this is the complete opposite to what a lot of other are advising, but f*** him. Seriously. Even if it is your stepmother sparking the disagreements between you, he's the one pathetic enough to be taken in by it and turned against his own daughter.

If you spend hours thinking about what to write, how to tell him how you feel, how he's hurt you, how you want to rebuild a relationship with him... what, in all honesty, is the likeliness of him responding how you need him to? Is it not inevitable that he'll (egged on by the wicked stepmother) either ignore you or respond in an aggressive and defensive way, once again insisting that it's your fault and your failings that have led you all to that point? Either way you'll be left feeling rejected and distraught all over again.

If you simply DON'T send him a card or a present, and send his back, he will know that he's hurt you too much and that it's finally gone too far - and YOU will be the one calling the shots.

I have an incredibly similar relationship with my father, and it gets to a point where it's MORE upsetting trying to keep them in your life and constantly striving to get back some attention or affection, than just making the decision that enough is enough and cutting the ties.

xxx