Relationship help.

deja_vu_2

Some of you might reognise my "normal" user name - PLEASE keep it shutm - OH knows other one but not this one

Known OH for a decade, been together nearly 2 years. Beginning of relationship way amazing (but dont they all start like that?) Was a LDR so we thought we would try living together, was fine. We decided (probably stupidly) to try for a baby. I fell pregnant quickly and turned into a nightmare. He moved out a few months ago saying he wanted some space but still came home at weekends. We spoke constantly still, always texted and he always called. Past 2 weeks he's been different, If i text him i sometimes dont get responses. He calls to speak to my child at bed time but doesnt call to speak to me as much. I've asked him if he wants to break up and he says no, still loves me and misses me, just wants some space. I tried not texting him and he paniced and rang to see if i was ok, next day he's saying to leave him alone :eek:He's openly admitted he doesnt know what he wants - but then he keeps saying he wants me.

I dont know whats changed in last 2 weeks, he keeps saying "nothing" and that im imainging things and its "hormones" - It might be, but im struggling to curb the thoughts. I'm having nightmares constantly and not sleeping which again, isnt helping the situation. He came over the weekend just gone for a few hours, spent all time with my child, said he had a nice time and off he went, I was unhappy because it just felt like another friend popping round - no cuddles etc.

I've stupidly made my life all about him - I've started seeing friends again etc recently.

I do have reason to doubt him - although hes never actually does anything, he's a terrible flirt. doesnt quite know where the "line" is and not to cross it IYKWIM.

I've liked/loved him for ages - when we was just friends, but never actually acted on it as we was both with people. it's absolutley distraughting me that it just isnt working. This is going to sound stupid, i was married to someone before for gods sake but its like he's my "first" love, that teenage feeling you get and i dont know whether to keep trying or to just give in. Either way i know things need to change ... Not quite sure what im after on here - advice? kick up the bum?

Dave101t

thats the problem with rushing a kid through, he has a connection to the child, but doesnt really want to be attached to you. once he finds his other 'interests' dont hold so well, he will 'settle' for you and come back, saying he is ready.
im a man, this is typical.

Seanymph

The reason it feels like 'first love' is the excitment and fear you feel. And you feel like that because you have allowed him to take all the power in the relationship and control it and you. The situation you are in is not equitable, fair, adult, balanced - it's needy and completely imbalanced where you have put no value on yourself, he has put no value on you, and you both are marching to his particular drum.

You need to look at your self esteem and work out why you have allowed this to happen to you - it is very unhealthy for your child to have parents with this dynamic going on - and very unhealthy for you.

Well done for not texting him, but it shouldn't be about provoking a reaction - as a parent you have to leave the game playing behind.

What do I think? Well, obviously you think he may have met someone else. He may, or he may not - but sooner or later he will do. It comes across that you had liked him for so long you were grateful when he finally got around to you, so you had his baby really quickly, and now think he should be with you because you have a child together. Teenage error I'm afraid.

He will do whatever he wants to do whether you have a child or not. You now have to step up, get some self respect and independence really quickly and start parenting. Currently, with your focus on the ex, what the ex is doing, when the ex is calling, how many times the ex has cuddled you.......... I don't see too much about the child in your post.

Stop him coming around - you are torturing yourself. Set access for him to see the baby and either you go out, or he takes the baby to his if it's old enough. Maintain contact with his family and arrange for them to see the baby. Have a big think about what you will do for the next five years until this child is in education - work part time? From home? Do a course? A degree with the Open University?

Make sure your finances are tight, and he is supporting his child - and that financially you are not dependent upon him.

I am so sorry that this has worked out how it has for you - but you really need to start manning up here, your health is important to your child, your emotional wellbeing, you need to be calm, even tempered, you need to laugh even with a baby, have the strength to go swimming or for a walk to feed ducks or whatever is near you.

You cannot be focused on your relationship with the babies Dad. You need to be focused on the babies relationship with his father. And with a father who is so immature I suspect that will be a struggle in time too.

Lotus-eater

Dave101t wrote: »

thats the problem with rushing a kid through, he has a connection to the child, but doesnt really want to be attached to you. once he finds his other 'interests' dont hold so well, he will 'settle' for you and come back, saying he is ready.
im a man, this is typical.

Probably right.

He is enjoying himself being a singley, when he gets all drunk or depressed, he contacts you for a pick me up. When he doesn't feel like it, you get kicked to the side.

He may settle and come back (bad for you), or may find someone else. Best for you is to cut all contact and make your own way. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

I suspect though, that you will continue to allow it to happen.

January20

deja_vu wrote: »

I tried not texting him and he paniced and rang to see if i was ok, next day he's saying to leave him alone :eek:[/QUOTE

Make no mistake here, he didn't panic because he was worried about you or because he loves you, he panicked because he was not getting your attention, because he felt he was losing control of the situation. That's why he reverted so quickly to wanting to be left alone.

I sea seanymph's post is very insightful and great advice to follow.

Kay_Peel

I think he is being fair to you and behaving properly.

He probably recognised that the texting, phoning and calling were giving you the wrong impression and raising your hopes. He's changed that behaviour and acts aloof. He is making you aware that his only interest is in his child. Respect his wishes, try to maintain a good friendship with him and accept that you must let him go.

victory

I agree with kay peel he has realised that by keeping in touch with you for the sake of his child, you think he is keeping in touch with you for you and he does not want that, he wants to be able to know all about his child and be there but not for you.

sean is right you need to do all the practical stuff and take care of you and the baby first and foremost and if he is wanting to join in you will be more in control, an independent person in full control of the situation:D

peachyprice

Firstly, you're deluded if you think your OH won't work out who you are from your new username, it only took me to the second paragraph.

You're pregnant with his child, if he's committed to a lifetime relationship with you he should want to be with you, not living separately, if the excitement of a wanted and planned pregnancy together isn't enough to make you want to be together, then I don't know what is, this just isn't the way committed, loving parents behave. This is his way of telling you it's over, but he will be there for his child, and your daughter.

It sounds very much like he's enjoying the single life, doesn't really want this relationship but is trying to let you down gently, you've already got one !!!!!! of an ex to deal with for the rest of your life, he probably doesn't want to lump himself into the same category as him.

balletshoes

OP I don't know who you are normally on here, but from your one post on this thread its clear he is not committed to you - to your child, yes, but not to you.

Time for you to take back control of your life, accept he is your child's dad and not your partner, and start thinking of yourself as single.

MoreOn

OP - from what i read, yes I agree with many here it seems he needs a pick me up when he is down.. but! there are two questions here... what is it about his "life" or "him" that needs addressing that stops him from behaving in that way.. resolve that and you may see a different him.. i see many men act like this and usually it's stress...

Secondly.. many assume he is "enjoying" a single life... i question that.. I'd say there is something about the you - him away from the child that makes him speak to you...

So my suggestion, yes take control of your life and make sure he knows what hes missing, and secondly point him in the direction of resolving his demons....

gratefulforhelp_2

Seanymph wrote: »

The reason it feels like 'first love' is the excitment and fear you feel. And you feel like that because you have allowed him to take all the power in the relationship and control it and you. The situation you are in is not equitable, fair, adult, balanced - it's needy and completely imbalanced where you have put no value on yourself, he has put no value on you, and you both are marching to his particular drum.

You need to look at your self esteem and work out why you have allowed this to happen to you - it is very unhealthy for your child to have parents with this dynamic going on - and very unhealthy for you.

Well done for not texting him, but it shouldn't be about provoking a reaction - as a parent you have to leave the game playing behind.

What do I think? Well, obviously you think he may have met someone else. He may, or he may not - but sooner or later he will do. It comes across that you had liked him for so long you were grateful when he finally got around to you, so you had his baby really quickly, and now think he should be with you because you have a child together. Teenage error I'm afraid.

He will do whatever he wants to do whether you have a child or not. You now have to step up, get some self respect and independence really quickly and start parenting. Currently, with your focus on the ex, what the ex is doing, when the ex is calling, how many times the ex has cuddled you.......... I don't see too much about the child in your post.

Stop him coming around - you are torturing yourself. Set access for him to see the baby and either you go out, or he takes the baby to his if it's old enough. Maintain contact with his family and arrange for them to see the baby. Have a big think about what you will do for the next five years until this child is in education - work part time? From home? Do a course? A degree with the Open University?

Make sure your finances are tight, and he is supporting his child - and that financially you are not dependent upon him.

I am so sorry that this has worked out how it has for you - but you really need to start manning up here, your health is important to your child, your emotional wellbeing, you need to be calm, even tempered, you need to laugh even with a baby, have the strength to go swimming or for a walk to feed ducks or whatever is near you.

You cannot be focused on your relationship with the babies Dad. You need to be focused on the babies relationship with his father. And with a father who is so immature I suspect that will be a struggle in time too.

Great advice.