Mature student having a confidence crisis - any advice?

MissGivings_2

alyth wrote: »

I'll try and keep this short! I'm a 41 year old female, just stared 2nd year at uni, and I'm sort of wondering what's the point of going on - am I just too damn old? I split from my ex of 15 year 3.5 years ago, started OU studying, then decided to go uni, and from that point on I've lost my life to my studying.

I work weekends in a supermarket, and normally I love it, the customers, the interaction and seeing my friends. However, my uni class only has 3 others in it, all of whom are 18, most of my lectures are held via VC and it's impossible to speak to any of the other mature students on it -we do chat by email occasionally.

I'm never going to have a relationship again or have children by choice, I have a very definitive plan that I am working towards when I finish my degree, but I'm having a wobble tonight as to whether I'm doing the right think - I guess from sitting in work until 10pm on a till, watching couples or people coming in all excited about their evening out, and thats made me feel a little sad that perhaps I am missing out on real life. I have no idea what people wear, I'm feeling old and frumpy despite the fact I'm told I look okay, I'm not particularly overweight, I just feel a bit stuck in a rut and for the first time I'm not feeling confident that I am doing the right thing.

Anyone been in this situation - not particularly with regards to studying but having a plan and then having a wobble over it?

Having a wobble is a call from yourself to listen to yourself. In many ways the questions you've asked you've also answered. Perhaps you're not taking your desires and yearnings into account in your plan enough? Your post is full of yearning, sadness and regret. The inner and more wise esoteric part of you is voicing your real needs, for real life and love and joy. I hope you will allow yourself to acknowledge them and set about finding them in the best way for you.

Seanymph

what a lovely post.

I swore off men - but fell over a good one eventually. I think limiting yourself is counterproductive in all areas of life. Don't swear off anything, enjoy each day, and see what life throws into your path. Be open, allow yourself to dance through life, and you'll get wherever you are supposed to be.

kittiej

I'm 40 and taking up studying again after a little break. I always wanted to study for a degree and have 30 points towards so far however I am planning on completing my studies by the time I'm 45.

I was a bit like you what's the point and am I too old but when the retirement age went up I found out I would have another 7 years to work in order to get a state pension so I decided I would continue.

Sometimes you can just overload yourself. You are fortunate not to have anyone nagging you not to study because they feel ignored lol.

Everything will be fine x

margaretclare

I was a mature student in my 40s. I gained a 2:1 Honours in Behavioural Sciences at what was then a polytechnic. It's now a university and my grandson gained 2:1 Honours there a couple of years ago - he was a mature student too, in his early 20s. Now, doesn't that make me feel old! My grandson a mature student where I was a mature student in the late 70s/early80s? When he wasn't yet born!

My eldest daughter has recently gained 2:1 Honours in Classics. This involved learning ancient Greek - she already speaks modern Greek. Languages are her thing. She's just had her 50th birthday.

I think I went down the wrong road early on, but the opportunities just weren't there when I was a teenager. It was all 'get a job, any job, bring money home, you'll only get married....'

Nowadays there are the opportunities. I don't agree with all the recent push to get all young people into university. It isn't for everybody! I don't say that for snobbish reasons (as if I would!) but because there are some people with a practical and not an academic bent. The 1944 Education Act recognised this fact, but where the system went wrong was in somehow engendering the feeling that practical was second-best, was less valuable. Consequently our skill-base, our manufacturing genius from earlier centuries, has just been lost, frittered away.

Sorry about that. That's just me. What I'd like to say to you is - if you find you have an academic mind, if you like studying for its own sake, then stick with it. Don't worry about what others seem to be doing, wearing, music they're listening to, whatever. I agree with mountainofdebt about music that you hear.

January20

alyth, I have been following your posts on and off and I agree with you that not having a relationship doesn't not restrict you but quite the opposite. I'm in my late forties and have been by myself for 10-11 years and those have been some of the best years of my life. It's fantastic to be able to do whatever you want, whenever you and with whoever you want without having to consider the needs of a man. The hair on the back of my neck still stand up if someone says "what are we doing today?" lol!

But, I am wondering whether you get a lot of time to have fun with your friends? Do you just work and study and walk the dog or do you go out for a drink, meals, restaurant etc? That is a very necessary part of life - especially as a single person.

londoner1998

alyth wrote: »

I think not having a relationship is absolutely not restricting me, it's giving me the freedom to do what I want, not have to consider anyone else - selfish perhaps but sorry it wasn't the relationship thing as such, it was wondering whether I was concentrating so hard on achieving my goal that I have missed out on things in life, such as knowing what's in fashion or music or things like that.

For 2.5 years I've finished work at 10pm on a Saturday night and been excited to come home and return to my studying, and for some reason I just didn't feel like it tonight. I'm driven to the point of obsessiveness in my studying, and it worries me that perhaps I've lost my drive and enthusiam - or perhaps I'm just having a wobble and will be fine tomorrow, but it's so unusual for me to feel this way that's why I posted, to see whether anyone else had felt this way in something.

Alyth

I'm sorry you are feeling a bit down. I can realy understand how youa re feeling: I did as MA at the age of 31 when all my classmates bar one were around 23-25 with very different lifes to mine and I just finished a second Postgraduate course at 36, done online, in Spanish (so I couldn't share with anyone here, although my partner has been great) and while being made redundant and looking for work frantically. You are not alone

I totally relate to the feeling of 'seeing you life pass you by'. I think you are tired. You have worked very hard for a long time and have gone through a very difficult life change when splitting up with your partner.
I too can become obsessive and leave everything else out of my life, but I have learnt that, while it is great for your studies , it is not good for you in the long term.

HOW do you recharge you batteries? Do you see friends often? I found that not seeing people for days and days on end is very isolating and demoralising. You need human contact, you need to balance you life out. HOW do you treat yourself ? Book time off and please take it as if it is part of your work/course. I know sometimes you have no choice but to bite the bullet, but when you are going to be like this for months, you need to change your focus. YOur studies will not benefit if you just obsess about it, it is great for your creativity to take time out and go and see a film, an exhibition, do some exercise or treat yourself to a massage (if you can).
Your studies are part of your life right now, to your whole life. It is also normal to have a wobble: allow yourself to have it, and take the afternoon off (or a couple of hours at least)if you are feeling like that. Tomorrow you will feel better. As for the relationship goes, it clearly it is not your focus now, but don't say never and don't think too much about it- be open to it.I have been in a relationship for 8 years and he has been a great support through courses etc... and support me in anything I wan to do. So it is possible...
Good luck!

Tish_P

Starting a mature students' club sounds like a brilliant way to make a positive step! Look into it - iirc you only need a few signatures on a form to officially start a student society, and you can then use Uni facilities (book rooms for meetings etc) or even apply for funds for activities.

Apart from that, maybe take a day or two off studying to do something fun & take care of yourself. All work and no play isn't fun and it isn't even the most productive way to work.

ali-t

Alyth, sounds like a wobble rather than time for a great reflection and redirection. Sometimes you just need to get off the hamster wheel and do something different. Put the books down and come back when you are in a better place (tonight, tomorrow perhaps?)

Head down to primark for an afternoon,try on loads of clothes and see whether fashionable suits you or if being yourself as you are is your true persona. You have said that you don't know what people are wearing but in a supermarket you will see all sorts of people and their fashion choices - good and bad!

Studying is hard and everytime I finish I swear I will never do it again but it keeps luring me in. I don't think you will ever regret completing a period of study (and the qualification that goes with it) but you are much more likely to regret dropping out. Sometimes it isn't possible to have your cake, eat it and keep some icing for later. The trade off just now is less time to spend shopping, reading trashy magazines and novels, having duvet and dvd days etc but in return you will get everything you thought you would get when you signed up for it.

Good luck

juno

I think part of it is the idea that you've done a lot of hard work, as you've already studied for 3 years, but that you still have lots to go. We're an instant gratification type of society, so part of you is thinking "I want it now!" and it's disheartening to know that you still have 2 more years, and they'll be hard years as the workload increases.

You're also going out into the unknown when you're content with what you have. So that's scary, even if you're not planning to change jobs just yet. But eventually you will and this possibly feels like you're moving out of your comfort zone.

And you might just be tired. Working til 10 can be exhausting, and then you're studying on top.

Callie22

I went to uni as a mature student and I think that it's relatively common to have a bit of a wobble at the start of your second year (and I'd imagine this applies to all students, regardless of age). Your first year is really hard, you put so much work and effort in and it can be a bit of a struggle to get the motivation to sustain that for two more years. It feels like you've come a long way but still got a heck of a long way to go!

I think too as a mature student you don't necessarily get the 'social' side of uni in the way you would if you were younger - your age gives you a focus on your studies which is a massive benefit but I think that when you're that bit older you do tend to take it all more seriously and it can become a bit of a grind - all work and no play. Certainly in my case I was aware that after uni, I was unlikely to be able to afford to study full time again so I really felt that I had to work very, very hard to get the most out of it.

I think I got through the wobble by changing the way I viewed the experience - at the end of the day, studying was my choice and I was perfectly free to walk away from it. Allowing myself to realise that this was what I wanted allowed me to appreciate it more. I also took some more interesting courses, and developed my interests further, so that helped, and I took a couple of extra modules that were nothing to do with my course but were just for fun, things like French and Latin. Yes, it was extra work but it was totally unrelated to my course so I found it a good way to relax. I used the time to grow as a person rather than just as a student and that helped, it's hard when you start defining yourself purely in terms of your course so I relaxed a bit and built a life outside of uni, which helped me keep a sense of perspective.

One thing I did find was that when I reached the halfway point in yr 2, the end of uni suddenly became a lot more real and time really started racing away - 'real life' is much closer than you think!