His ex at our wedding?

Snowfall

OH and I were making a first draft of our guest list, and when making his side, his ex came up. She is not his most recent ex, but she is still sort of in our lives in that we have a lot of mutual friends.

A little background - We all went to school together, and have lots of mutual friends. They dated for a couple of years (I forget exactly how long), and broke up as she cheated, and I believe got together with the other guy. OH feels very strongly about cheating, so cut her out as much as possible.

Some time after they broke up, he and I got together. When she found out that we were together, she approached him to say that he should be with her, she regrets cheating blah blah. He obviously knocker her back, and that was that.

He and I dated for 6 months, and went our separate ways, mutual break up as we were heading in different directions.

Fast forward about 7 years and OH and I get back in touch after finding out that we live near each other. A while into our relationship, he gets a message from his ex to say that they should get back together. She knew that he and I were together. She later on messaged after being rejected that it was just a joke, she was drunk, etc. She has a boyfriend, and a daughter with the guy.

Unsurprisingly, I am not too happy about her being in my life in any way. When OH mentioned her name in our list, I said "oh you want your ex to come?", to which his reaction was pretty much a shrug, and something about not being able to NOT invite her, considering the number of mutual friends. I do have another dilemma in that I'm not a huge fan of her close friends either, who my OH wants to invite. They are more his friends than mine, and were not all that pleasant to me at school. I know this is a long time ago, and am fine with squashing that, and a few people I'm not completely happy with at the wedding is not going to ruin my day. But I do feel more strongly about the ex.

I plan to broach the subject with him again soon, but wondered if anyone else had experiences with telling OH that this ex should not be invited? How did that go? Am I being childish/unreasonable about this? I realise that it would probably be a case of all her friends being invited, and not her, which I'm sure many people will have a thing or two to say about it..but I do feel very uncomfortable if she were to be there.

findingmyownway

How close is he to these 'friends' from the past? Does he see them on a weekly/monthly/yearly basis?

If they are still his 'core' group of friends who he sees all the time then I think perhaps you have to live with it. It is his wedding too afterall.

If he doesn't actually see them that much and they are just friends from the past, vaguley kept in touch with via FB etc then I would vocalise your feelings.

Another way to do it would be to agree a set number of friends you can both invite, then he has to prioritise who gets to come. If they don't make the cut then you're both happy.

On the other hand, my OH wouldnt dream of wanting anyone at our wedding who had bullied me in the past.. so perhaps you need to phrase it that way to him? Make it clear how uncomfortable it would make you having her there, never mind paying for the priviledge!!

princessdreamer

Sounds fishy were they together in the 7 years you were apart as its very odd that after all that time she would suddenly ask him to get back with her.

DUKE

A wedding to me is for family & close friends only. I wouldn't consider an ex to be a close friend, & I certainly wouldn't want the bullies there either.

newcook

hmmmm - I could understand it if the break up had been amicable and they remained good friends (and she was also good friends with you) but for her to twice beg for him back just because she knows that you and her are together is not on - I would be extremely p!ssed off about it if I were you!

its your special day to share with people who you want to share it with - if you dont want her there tell her she's not invited (and same goes for her friends) if OH doesnt like it, its a bit tough really. while I completely agree that its both your day and you both want your friends there with you, if they were nasty to you at school why the hell would you want them to put a tarnish on one of the most special days of your life?! your OH should understand this.

the only other way around it would be to compromise and have them at the reception (just the friends, not her)

MariaKaria

Hmmm difficult one!....I guess it depends on if your ex and this girls have always been friends, have they constantly kept in contact over the years or has it been random?
It does sound as though she has feelings for your guy with the message she sent, even though she knew you were together.
If they have always been good friends it would be hard for him not to invite her, especially with the mutual friends...in which case I can understand you feeling uncomfortable but on the other hand, you are marrying the guy that she possibly has feelings for, she might make an excuse do not attend, even if she does attend...hey girl you got the guy in the end!
If their contact has been on and off over the years and they're not that close anyway then I would put my foot down, it is your special day and he should appreciate that his ex being there makes you uncomfortable....I wonder how would he feel if it were your ex being invited.

Snowfall

Slight misunderstanding - these other friends never bullied me. We were just not in the same group of friends, and I guess had a slight dislike of each other due to different lifestyles, but never went as far as bullying! We just didn't mix all that well except for a couple of mutual friends.

OH doesn't see them much, as we live very far away now, but do see them when we go back.

Big problem is that so many friends are linked. I do think probably we will just invite family and close friends for the ceremony and meal, and invite other friends for the evening party!

Snowfall

princessdreamer wrote: »

Sounds fishy were they together in the 7 years you were apart as its very odd that after all that time she would suddenly ask him to get back with her.

No, they were not. There's clearly some sort problem she has with me and him being together, as I don't think he has had the same situation when he was with another girl.

richardw

This is a money saving website and not inviting any of them saves money and solves the problem.
Weddings - keep 'em small n special with no hangers on.

Kay_Peel

If I were an understanding, sensitive and loving man then I would recognise straightaway that the ex has no place at my wedding or indeed in my life. While the attentions from my ex might flatter my ego and I'll always know that she'll be available as soon as I click my fingers, I know that I've found someone better and I don't want to lose her or make her miserable. I can think of no better signal to my ex then to leave her off the invitation list - it shows her that she's unimportant, finished, out of my head and I don't want her there. If she takes the hump then my job is done.

Hopefully, you will take a big red pen to his list and put a line through the ones that you don't want to be present on your day. He can do the same with your list. Cut it right down to the people who mean the world to you.

Good luck!

mildred1978

I'm just trying to tot up the number of my exes that came to our wedding. Definitely 3, if not 4. And one of those was my first love.