Can he do this????

hippychick1

Hey

I went throught this two years ago. We weren't getting on, I'd moved out but we were giving it another go when I found out he'd been cheating on me with at least two other women. He wanted the kids to meet the woman he'd decided to settle on, but I said calmly that I wasn't too happy, but in time when they'd been together longer it would be fine. I'm lucky in that we had a fairly good relationship. I made it clear it wasn't about me feeling jealous and pushed out, it was about stability for the kids, and they'd already gone through so much wth their parents splitting up, they needed to adjust to that first.

Eventually they met her, about 4 months after we split. I wasn't happy about it, and when they came back regularly saying they'd had a great time, and how lovely she was I was heartbroken inside, though I did realise this was the best outcome. If they were unhappy going there, and didn't get on with her what could I do??

Roll on 18 months I am still single, and love it!! The children are still happy going there, and really that's all that matters. It was difficult though, and I was on medication to help me through that rough time. I see now though that our relationship was dreadful! I am so much happier on my own, though at the time all I could do was cry, each day seem to run into the next and it was so difficult to see a way forward. Life will get better for you, I can guarantee it.

Flee_2

You need to think about your daughter. You are here legal guardian and have a say on who she sees and when. He will not want to go to court to get custody which he will lose. Make sure you record or log your conversations with him and evidence of his behaviour. This is evidence for if anything does go to court for a divorce etc.

You need to be strong for your daughter. When a relationship breaks down it hurts badly and takes time to heal. You and your daughter need to heal and just hole yourselves up together and rebuild your relationship. She needs to feel close to you and loved.

pigpen

mhairibramwell wrote: »

, im absolutely gutted and cant ever see me meeting someone else.

I need to pick on this bit..

MY ex (KH) had been seeing some dirty slapper for 3 months before he was finally ousted from the family home.. she dumped him the same week which I must admit still feels so good!!

Anyway.. we have 8 children together.. and I found someone very lovely and sweet ... albeit bone idle.. who accepted me and my children and we have our second due any day.. this is only 2.5 years later.. so while the future looks uncertain and maybe a bit bleak right now.. in a years time there is no telling where you may be.

Focus on getting your home, your finances and you head straight in the short term and let the long term look after itself!

Someone I know her hubby left her and their 8 children and she too has found someone new.. it is all about finding yourself and who you are.

My brood like KHs new gf too (in fact he is such a bully they ask if she will be there because he is nicer when she is apparently).. he was telling them they had to misbehave for OH and not do as he said and that he hated them really and he could pretend to be their dad but he never would be.. which upset my little 3 hugely at 5, 7 and 9.. so I sat them down and said no OH woudnt ever be their dad, he didnt need or want to be their dad because they already have a dad.. the same as KHs gf would never be their mum because I will always be their mum.. but that doesnt mean OH or his OH cannot be their friend.. because it is nice to have friends.

princessdreamer

Meeting someone else is something you do futher down the line. While you are recovering from a breakup, sorting finances, contact amd coming to terms with life in general you need to heal

QuackQuackOops

mhairibramwell wrote: »

Just looking for some advice.

Seperated from husband 2 months ago. Hadnt been getting on for a long time, but he had been in touch with someone else online before leaving. After being together 7 years, all i got left was a note, such a coward.

Anyway, im beginning to have more good days than bad with the immense support i have had from friends and family i have managed to keep going from my child.

Can I have a say in when I think is a suitable time for her to meet this new partner??? I am not happy that he thinks he can introduce her to this female and not consult me regarding it. My daughter has been through enough, with her father leaving, starting school and constantly having to reassure her that her mum is going aswell.

She is a different little girl, has lost her confidence and isnt as outgoing and socialable as she used to be.

Just wondering if anyone can advise please. He thinks that he can just tell me how it is, happened a lot in the 7 years we were together but Im not standing for it any longer.

Thanks in advance.
p.s. im in scotland if this makes any difference.

All you need to do is ask yourself the question; "Would I allow my ex husband to tell me when I can see a new man and when I should introduce him to my daughter?"

You might find you will say "No", in which case you have the answer.

You have to appreciate that your husband is a grown man and is perfectly capable of making decisions himself. For you to interfer in that decision making is the same as saying you dont trust him to think for himself.

Ultimately you cannot tell him what to do and who HIS daughter can see. If you have a right to see who you want with your daughter, then so has he.

January20

mhairibramwell wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies.

Most of the time we get on, we have both had periods of struggling to cope and deal with what has happened and thrown dogs abuse at each other. We have also apologised for this. As time has gone on we are getting on better with each.

To be totally honest, im really really struggling today with it all. Sat in tears with my daughter looking at me funny.

I just cant get my head round it all, he says he didnt leave me for someone else but beacuse we hadnt gotten on for so long. We had had many nasty arguements and I always felt like I was a single parent as he didnt help very much whilst i worked full time on shifts. I cant believe im left by myself with my daughter and he swans around with some other female, im absolutely gutted and cant ever see me meeting someone else.

Sorry kind of gone off the subject, but i find the weekends particularly hard as most of my friends are busy within their own family units and school if off etc etc.

Feeling sorry for myself, sorry.

This person doesnt live near us so it wont be someone who spends a lot of time in my daughters company.

We both try hard not to argue or shout in front of her, and he does the right thing by walking away or hanging the phone up on me when we start to argue. She heard a lot of arguments before he left and i dont want her going through that anymore.

I believe we both have rights aswell as my daughter. If it comes to it I will suggest maybe 1 hour in a soft play area, not at his house.

Being honest with myself, I dont want any of this and Im struggling to come to terms with the reality and sadness of it all. I just want him to come home and give me a hug and make me feel safe again but i dont think thats going to happen.

1st point I highlighted: Right! I'm going to be harsh. You can't cry like that in front of your daughter. She is too little and it's not fair on her. You're supposed to be her rock, not a confusing sobbing mess. I did my fair share of crying when I first became a single mum, but I did it in the bathroom or in my bedroom - on my own. No wonder your poor kid is feeling insecure!

2nd point: believe me, it is better to actually be a single mother than to be in a relationship with a partner that makes you feel like one. At least, you know you have only yourself to rely on, and you don't have anyone interfering with your decisions.

Nobody wants to see their relationship destroyed. I didn't get married thinking I would get divorced a few years later. It happens. You can't do anything about it because it's what he's decided. Better make the most of a bad lot and carve a really happy fulfilling life for you and your daughter. The 1st of everything will be hard (1st Christmas, 1st birthday, 1st Easter etc...) but eventually it will all be easier.

gratefulforhelp_2

It is interesting that no-one has asked you about how much contact he has with DD.

While I agree that it is hard to stop him if he has a lot of unsupervised contact, I believe you can insist that in her best interests, she is introduced to GF gradually, in short time periods to begin with, and maybe in your presence to avoid any unnecessary stress on her.

This will depend on what contact he has, but I don't think it unreasonable. We have to remember that he chose to leave the family home with no discussion, so he seems to have assumed you will have residence.