Can he do this????

VfM4meplse

jonty1970 wrote: »

She wrote me a couple of horrible letters, calling me allsorts. I'd never met this woman in my life!

Her opinion was formed because she only had your ex's account of you. However, to be sufficiently motivated to write hateful letters just demonstrates that she and your ex are made for each other.

Emmzi

Unless you both agree to give each other a right of veto over who meets your kids (which would be unworkable) you just have to let him get on with it.

Kids, however, are very smart, can recognise genuine people, etc. Just keep being the best mum you can be!

jonty1970

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Her opinion was formed because she only had your ex's account of you. However, to be sufficiently motivated to write hateful letters just demonstrates that she and your ex are made for each other.

And my ex sister in law. She was coming round to me and going straight to her. I told her private things, how I wasn't coping and how the house had got in a mess.

I got all that back in my face in those hateful letters

my ex even had to write a note to me, saying how much he had always hated me etc.
She was just jealous that he would go back to me.

He treated her exactly the same. Beat her and drank and spent the rent money.

She threw him out as well :rotfl:

He did apologize, years later. He said she was always asking about me, what I was like and she wanted to know all about me, so he told her.
He didn't want to write the letter, but did it for a quiet life. Horrible and a stupid excuse.

She asked around for my new address (he didn't even know where I lived) and I got a letter there as well.

She was weird!

Sorry OP, this is about your daughter. Just thought I'd give you my experience. Some new girlfriends are not nice and it's wise to protect your daughter at the moment.

VfM4meplse

She was just a sad insecure case then. That's not to say that stupid people deserve to be beaten by drunks!

CH27

Has he actually mentioned your daughter meeting his new gf?

ScottishMum

Thanks for all your replies.

Most of the time we get on, we have both had periods of struggling to cope and deal with what has happened and thrown dogs abuse at each other. We have also apologised for this. As time has gone on we are getting on better with each.

To be totally honest, im really really struggling today with it all. Sat in tears with my daughter looking at me funny.

I just cant get my head round it all, he says he didnt leave me for someone else but beacuse we hadnt gotten on for so long. We had had many nasty arguements and I always felt like I was a single parent as he didnt help very much whilst i worked full time on shifts. I cant believe im left by myself with my daughter and he swans around with some other female, im absolutely gutted and cant ever see me meeting someone else.

Sorry kind of gone off the subject, but i find the weekends particularly hard as most of my friends are busy within their own family units and school if off etc etc.

Feeling sorry for myself, sorry.

This person doesnt live near us so it wont be someone who spends a lot of time in my daughters company.

We both try hard not to argue or shout in front of her, and he does the right thing by walking away or hanging the phone up on me when we start to argue. She heard a lot of arguments before he left and i dont want her going through that anymore.

I believe we both have rights aswell as my daughter. If it comes to it I will suggest maybe 1 hour in a soft play area, not at his house.

Being honest with myself, I dont want any of this and Im struggling to come to terms with the reality and sadness of it all. I just want him to come home and give me a hug and make me feel safe again but i dont think thats going to happen.

make_me_wise

I am going to look at this solely from your daughters point of view. I think she must be feeling very upset and vulnerable at the moment following the split between yourself and your husband.

Personally I think it would be irresponsible of your husband to introduce her to someone he barely knows himself. She will also be aware at some level that her dad and this other woman have caused you immense upset and pain. It puts her in a very tricky position and could make her feel guilt, anxiety and to suffer alot of pressure.

For her sake you need to talk to your husband and agree that your childs best interests come above everything else. If the matter of her meeting this new person in his life is put to him this way he may step more cautiously and be more considerate.

make_me_wise

jonty1970 wrote: »

And my ex sister in law. She was coming round to me and going straight to her. I told her private things, how I wasn't coping and how the house had got in a mess.

I got all that back in my face in those hateful letters

my ex even had to write a note to me, saying how much he had always hated me etc.
She was just jealous that he would go back to me.

He treated her exactly the same. Beat her and drank and spent the rent money.

She threw him out as well :rotfl:

He did apologize, years later. He said she was always asking about me, what I was like and she wanted to know all about me, so he told her.
He didn't want to write the letter, but did it for a quiet life. Horrible and a stupid excuse.

She asked around for my new address (he didn't even know where I lived) and I got a letter there as well.

She was weird!

Sorry OP, this is about your daughter. Just thought I'd give you my experience. Some new girlfriends are not nice and it's wise to protect your daughter at the moment.

Karma came back and bit her well and truly on the a"s* didn't it.

leicesterfarthing

I have just been through this. My wife and I separated a year ago, and within 8 weeks she had a new man staying over in our family home, 4-5 nights a week. It was heartbreaking. I made a big fuss..... got really upset and it did not do any good at all, my reaction to it ruined my 8 year old daughter's first christmas after the split. All it did was drive the two of them closer together, gave them something to talk about.

Now, the family home is sold, I've moved on a bit, and he is still around...... but it's like water off a duck's back now....My daughter even called me his name the other night by mistake..... what did I do? I laughed and gave her a cuddle..... I've got something going with her that he'll, never ever have......so have you!!

Yes it's inappropriate for him to do this, of course it is, but be strong, be brave, be an adult about it and it will be much better. As for the person who suggested supervised contact......are they for real?? That will never happen, unless you feel the child is a risk, and that is EXACTLY the sort of over-reaction you need to avoid. Good Luck!! Even though I don't know you, I'll give you a virtual hug too.

One other tip.... don't surround yourself with negative people that want to carp on about this subject ALL THE TIME, yes, it hurts, but talking and thinking about it all the time can get you really, really down. Beware those friends as well that don't have a good thing to say about your ex.... that can seep into your attitude with your child too.....stay positive!!!!

ScottishMum

leicesterfarthing wrote: »

I have just been through this. My wife and I separated a year ago, and within 8 weeks she had a new man staying over in our family home, 4-5 nights a week. It was heartbreaking. I made a big fuss..... got really upset and it did not do any good at all, my reaction to it ruined my 8 year old daughter's first christmas after the split. All it did was drive the two of them closer together, gave them something to talk about.

Now, the family home is sold, I've moved on a bit, and he is still around...... but it's like water off a duck's back now....My daughter even called me his name the other night by mistake..... what did I do? I laughed and gave her a cuddle..... I've got something going with her that he'll, never ever have......so have you!!

Yes it's inappropriate for him to do this, of course it is, but be strong, be brave, be an adult about it and it will be much better. As for the person who suggested supervised contact......are they for real?? That will never happen, unless you feel the child is a risk, and that is EXACTLY the sort of over-reaction you need to avoid. Good Luck!! Even though I don't know you, I'll give you a virtual hug too.

One other tip.... don't surround yourself with negative people that want to carp on about this subject ALL THE TIME, yes, it hurts, but talking and thinking about it all the time can get you really, really down. Beware those friends as well that don't have a good thing to say about your ex.... that can seep into your attitude with your child too.....stay positive!!!!

Thank you for the virtual hug - seriously needed that. I am going to try and be amicable with it and go along with it being adults. You are right, daughter and I have something that "she" will never have. Im sure my DD will bounce back ok, and im know that she will remain loyal to me as she is always wanting to be with me to "look after me" (her words).

I do try to stay positive and to be honest, the mornings are the hardest for me. Im on medication to help me through this and once it kicks in im ok again.

Have you met someone else?? How was your ex about it?