Help please, I don't know what to do...

astonsmummy

((((((hugs)))))
I hav to agree that you should let him go, he'll soon find out that the grass isnt greener on the other side, just make sure he knows you love him dearly and that there is a place for him in your heart and home forever, i think boys are different from girls, they wont admit they need 'mummy' and would be more inclined to saty away if he's under pressure, it must be so hard for you and i couldnt comprehend how u must be feeling, all i do know is if yu try and stop him, you will push him away.
At the end of the day we always need our mums and him living so far away might make him realise that and come home, you never know.
I hope it all works out for you in the end xx

Feisty_Fairy

I am so sorry, i dont know what to suggest really, just wanted to send you some (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))).
Hope it all works out ok for you family.
Take care

Love

Feisty

elaine373

I have a 16 year old son, so can understand how you feel. I would say let him go but know he has his home with you always. All the good values and morals are instilled in him from all that you have tought him. Part of loving some-one is allowing them to `grow`. I know its extremely hard for you and its easy for people to say `let him go`. Chances are he will come back anyway. Let him go but make sure he knows that if things do not work out, he always has a home with you too. All the best, Love Elaine
p.s, I would have a chat with the girlfriend to see what her views on him going there are.

victory

Difficult one as he is 16, if he is stubborn saying no you are not going will make him want to go even more, so careful words are needed, I agree with the OP, if you let him go, however much your heart is breaking, he will openly come back to you without the resentment and any bad feeling between you both when he realises it is not all it is cracked up to be being with his dad xxxx

Biddyrolo

Sometimes being enthusiastic about things like this can change their minds, if you start looking up college courses for him and talking about when he goes to stay with his dad he might start thinking you want rid of him and stay, teenagers can be very contrary. I adopted this technique when my daughter (18) announced she was going to live in Spain for a year with her friend, "fantastic" I said, now, you'll need to start learning Spanish, and contact the embassy to find out about residency and work permits, oh and check with the Inland Revenue about your tax status... by this time she'd gone off the idea and I've not heard it mentioned since.

hilstep2000

Thanks to everyone for their replies and hugs. I have a partner who my son gets on well with, and he also has his Granpa nearby, so he does have some good role models.
I've taken on board what you all say, and i'll keep you posted!
Thanks again.

Mrs_Optimist

What a sad story - you are well rid of your ex.

My view is that a lot can change by next year and it is far too soon to worry yourself about what may or may not happen. If he wants to go, you have to let him go and make sure he understands that he always has a home with you if he wants it.

My guess is that he will realise that the grass isnt greener and will come running back before you know it. He will think of it as one long holiday before hand because he has only ever seen his dad in a holiday type mood. The reality will be different. The note he wrote to you suggests that he has been brought up very well indeed, and is thoughtful and considerate. I doubt very much that he will mix with a bad crowd, he sounds far too sensible for that.

If you try and stand in his way, he will do what all teenagers do and dig his heels in. he will leave anyway but on bad terms.

In short let him go if he wants to but I suspect that by next year he willl have changed his mind anyway.

Savvy_Sue

So, has he talked to his dad and partner about this? And is the partner WILLING / HAPPY to have him? Your son needs to check this, preferably with her. If she's not enthusiastic, does he really want to go? And what if she says NO WAY?

Another possibility to explore is supported youth housing either near you or near his dad (preferably near you!) Depends where you are, but in Bristol we have a few schemes. If your son is struggling to cope with living with your illness, that might help.

Connexions might be able to advise on what's available in each area, and your son should have access to a Personal Adviser with them.

sarymclary

I would feel just like you are, and not want my son to be moving so far away. However, it sounds like he's done his own bit of homework finding out that there is a college course near to his dad's that suits him, so he certainly seems to have a plan.

I would definitely engage him in conversations that go along the line of accepting that he's going to be moving up this summer to start his new college course. This way he may well offer up some more information along the way. It may be that he met someone during one of his visits that have either influenced his choice of career, or perhaps in a romantic way? This might be more of a reason for the desire to move to Cumbria.

In the meantime, do as much homework yourself on the new town/area he's going to be living in. A friend of mine has moved close to Cumbira from E.Anglia and swears it's a nicer place to raise kids, so it might be a nice move for him, even if it's not so pleasant for you.

The key here is communication. If you can ensure that's going well in the run up to his move, if he does go he'll stay in regular contact, and he might well realise he'd miss you too much by going.

One last thought, is there any chance that he feels threatened by your illness (only asking as you mentioned the diagnosis and then his letter), and is worried that he might have to bear some responsibility for your care? This is probably unlikely, but it was just a thought.

Best wishes to you both. Good luck!