Help please, I don't know what to do...

hilstep2000

Sorry if this is a long post, but I need other people's advice. When my son (who is now 16) was 6 weeks old, I found out that my husband had had an affair with my best friend, and the baby she'd had a month before me, was his. We went through a terrible year, but I took him back, and we limped along for 10 more years.
When my daughter was 11. son was 7 we moved miles away for a new start. (I didn't want my son to go to secondary school, and come home with a new girlfriend who happened to be his half-sister) basically, my husband had three more affairs, and by the fourth time, I threw him out.
That was six years ago. We divorced, I got the house, and looked after the kids. We never went to court, we agreed maintenance and access between us, and he's always paid up with no qualms.
He, and his last woman ran a pub for a while, and got into so much debt that they basically ran away. They lived in a caravan for a while, but now are renting a house. Trouble is it's in Cumbria, which is the other end of the country. (We live on the South East coast)
My daughter refuses to go there, but my son has been up a couple of times for a holiday. His Dad always comes down to collect him, and brings him back.

I was diagnosed with MS just over a year ago, and in October was very ill. My son left me a note one morning saying " Mum, when I finish my exams next year, I want to live with Dad. It's nothing you've done, I love you very much." Well my first reaction was "No Way!" Then I asked why, and he couldn't give me a reason. He's only ever been there for a holiday, not lived with them for any length of time. When they left, she dumped her kids on their Grandma, and didn't take them with her! So she won't be very happy about my son going there will she?

So, what do I do? At the moment my son won't look at local college courses. He says he wants to be a Motor Mechanic, but he never did before, and very conveniently there is a course at the college near Dad's. My Ex swears its got nothing to do with him, he says my son made his own mind up, but I don't think so. I think dad is putting pressure on him.

I don't want him to go 700 miles away yet. He's a very young 16 year old. He still asks for cuddles, and loves watching cartoons. I'm worried his Dad won't be a good role model. He's !!!!less with money, and likes to smoke and drink a lot. And he may not watch who my son mixes with. I don't want him getting into trouble, he's a lovely boy.

I'm crying whillst typing this, I don't know what to do for the best. Do I let him go, and tell him he can come back whenever he wants? That's what friends tell me, but he can be so stubborn, will his pride get in the way, even if he wants to come home? All I've ever done for my kids is love and protect them, and I feel that's being taken away from me.

Sorry it's such a long post.

shellsuit

Oh that's so sad :(:(:(

I'd feel exactly the same as you in my heart, but my mind (like your friends) would be telling him to go if that's what would make him happy.

Maybe he would go and realise the grass isn't greener then want to come home?

I wouldn't say don't let him go as your son could resent you for stopping him.

Is there any way that all of you could get together to sort something out?

(((((Hugs)))))

Rachie_B

OMG how awful
I can only imgaine how much this is hurting you ( i have a 10 yr old by my ex who lives a few hrs away)

((((hugs)))

I dont know what to say / advise

At the end of the day you cant stop him from going
You dont want him to end up resenting / hating you for it

But at the same time does his dad and his new partner even want your son there ?!

if this is going to go ahead you all need to have a sit down and discuss it properly in great detail.

You never know he may try it and not like it and want to come home to you
but i gues you need to let him make his own mistakes and just be there for him when he does

laura_mac_2

My heart goes out to you- that's a terrible situation to be in.
It sounds like you are very close to your son, could you not sit him down and try to get to the bottom of his reasons- it does seem like it's come out of the blue and not something he's been wanting to do for years. Maybe you could try to get him to see your side of the situation and why you don't want him to go hundreds of miles away, but be calm as you're talking- the last thing you need is a big row which will only add to the problem.
Do you think this may be a reaction to your illness? sometimes the way we deal with difficult situations is to run away from them. If this is what he's doing maybe explaining more about your illness would help?
Another thing to look into is if there are any other forms of mechanic courses near to you, say an apprenticship type thing with a local garage. Maybe even something he could do while staying on at school?
I don't know if any of that will help at all but I really hope you both work it out. Keep us posted.

Edited to add:
Totally agree with the posters above- he will most definately find the grass isn't greener from what you've said about your ex!

Justie

very sad but I think the best way to approach it is to try and help him make the move in as easy a way as possible for all of you. If his father and partner are happy for him to live with them etc then it'd be hard for you to stop him going. Hopefully within a very short time he'd realise it's not all it's cracked up to be and then will come home but I suspect if you fight him on it it'll just make him more determined to go. I would also have a look locally at courses etc so that if it doesn't work out he has options and isn't forced to just stay there.

Morglin

Let him have his head and live with his Dad.

He'll probably be back with his tail between his legs in 6 months time.

If you make a fight of it, he'll never come home, just to be awkward (as that's what teenagers DO).........:eek:

Lin

Zara33

(((((hilstep2000)))))
You are and still will be his mother no mattter what your son decides to do.

Let him go but also make sure your son knows that no matter what, if he needs you for anything that you always will be. Some people think the grass is always greener on the other side, he might enjoy going to his dad's during the holidays etc, but he might find things differently if he has to stay with him 24/7.

Good luck in your decision.

Smashing

Morglin wrote:

If you make a fight of it, he'll never come home, just to be awkward (as that's what teenagers DO).........:eek:

Yep - increidbly talented in cutting off their nose despite their face. It tough, but as trite as it sounds - if you love someone, set them free etc. Let him know he will always have a home with you, but he needs to make his own mistakes in life ( I too imagine he'll be back before long).

This is not a personal rejection - it's a teenager, trying to spread his wings. It's not something to be rushed into, but standing in his way will only lead to him resenting you.

Lady_Pink

I'm really feel for you - it must feel like such a smack in the face after all you've done for him. I work with teenagers, and generally speaking they live in their own little bubble and while they may not intend to hurt others, they often don't realise that they are. Does he have any significant male role models in his life? It could be that this is what he's looking for - many of the 15/16 year old lads I'm dealing with who don't have a dad around are far more calm and positive when they have a solid male role model to look up to. Of course, it may not be this. Perhaps talking to you about things is just too hard for him - would he consider seeing a Connexions PA in school, or some other neutral adult to see if they can find out what he's either not letting on or doesn't understand himself - the reason he want to go? They would also be able to advise on options such as college courses and apprenticeships etc. It may still be that you'll have to accept that he wants and needs to go - but at least you may be able to better understand his reasons.

Sorry I can't offer any better advice - but I really hope it works out for the best for you, and your son

LP
x

Mics_chick

You have to let him go - he may seem young for his age to you but you can't make him to stay if he doesn't want to (if he ran away and you went to the police they wouldn't force him to come back because of his age )

Whenever a child moves out it will be painful if you are close to them but you have to let him make his own way at some point - it probably hurts more because he is so young.

If I were you I would treat him like the young man he is and say that if this is what he wants to do fine but explain about what happened with the children of his dad's current OH and say that if he changes his mind about staying there (because he doesn't get on with her or for any other reason) then he can come home whenever he wants and nothing will be said (no "I told you so"!!) If he doesn't have the money he can contact you and you will find some way to buy him a ticket that he can collect at a bus company/etc...

Please don't try to stop him or he might never come back to see you or live with you because he feels that he can't...

Good luck MC

play2day

Poor you. BIG HUGS.

I think this may be a case of the grass is always grener. Your son goes for holidays at his dads and is spoilt rotten no doubt. At home he attends school and is taught responsibility and respect. At 16 which do you think is most fun?
I would envisage that after the honeymoon period with his father he will be desperate to return home. The trick is to make sure he knows he can without loosing face. Pride is so important to young people.
As for college if he starts a course there and cant finish it with you a year out is not such a disaster.