Reporting Abuse

flowerpower11

Last night my friend told me something very disturbing which has left me with a huge dilemma.
Here is some background.

Between 3 and 4 years ago my friend lived just a few doors away from me; her daughter was 9/10.
Her daughter had a friend around the corner, a boy who was quite a few years younger and they were good friends. She spent a lot of time at his house with his parents, his dad in his late twenties and his mum in her early 50’s.

She spent more and more time with them, staying for whole weekends, she even went on holiday with them. She has her own bedroom there and was showered with expensive gifts and attention.

My own daughter who was a year younger spent one night there too as she was also friend with the son and I chatted to them but always thought they were odd and not my type of friend, they both liked a drink, the woman more so and the house was a complete mess.

My friends daughter’s dad lived over 100 miles away and she only saw him a couple of times a year so she may have seen this other man as a father figure. Being married to a much older woman, he probably saw her as the daughter he would never have, at least that’s how my friend and I perceived the situation.

My friend trusted the couple and was grateful to have some time to herself and her daughter loved being with this family and playing with the son.

However the father did make a fool of himself by getting drunk one evening and coming round to my friend’s house saying he fancied her and exposing himself to her, this alone should have set alarm bells ringing and she should have put a stop to her daughter going there, but they carried on as normal and never spoke about that night instead.

The time she spent there increased and I thought it was worrying that she spent time there even if the woman and son weren’t there, my friends daughter would spend time alone with the dad.

The house had photos of my friend’s daughter all over it, he took his camera everywhere, on all their trips out and there were far fewer photos of the son which started to worry my friend, she felt as though her daughter was being lured away.

She married a nice man who was 20 years older with no children and the couple were both very angry and said he must be a !!!!!phile and that was why he was with my friend, to gain access to her daughter. All this speculation without knowing anything about him. Why would they even consider such a horrible thing?

My friend and her new partner moved out of the area and for a while the other family still had some contact with the daughter and had her stay with them but that fizzled out eventually.

So, my friend has been happily married for 18 months now and the daughter has settled well at school and is now 13.

This couple have separated but both still live in the village I live in and the son spends lots of time with each parent.

My friend was making her bed two nights ago when she found a piece of paper with login details for Childline. She asked her daughter why she had felt the need to talk to people she didn’t know and was very worried about what she might say and after some persuasion she broke down crying and opened up to her mum.

She told her that one night when she was staying there alone with the father that she fell asleep on the sofa and woke to find that he had removed her underwear and was rubbing his private parts on her. She stirred and he stopped.

At the time she didn’t realise how bad that was and it was only when she was older and learnt more about sex education that she realised how wrong it was.

If she woke on that occasion, how many times did he do things when she didn’t wake up? Maybe that’s why she had her own room there? So did wouldn’t get disturbed? Maybe he took photos of the abuse? This could be the tip of the iceberg. His wife may have fallen asleep drunk when she was there so he could abuse her or even turned a blind eye or been in on it.

I am utterly furious and disgusted. Maybe I am over-reacting but I cannot believe that this vile act only happened the once and once is once too many.

My friend is mad but doesn’t want to do anything about it because she is worried about what it will put her daughter through.

She also confessed that she is worried that people may think bad of her for allowing her daughter to spend so much time there and she will come out looking like a bad parent.

She feels that it should be forgotten as it happened years ago and that would be best for her daughter, but her daughter is obviously very upset about this and of course it’s hard to talk about but doesn’t she have a duty to do something?

This man works in a school, fixing IT equipment, the son who is about the age she was when this happened will have friends of which lots will be girls and they will probably stay over and this could be happening to them now.

My daughters friend stayed there regularly too after my friend moved away and I’m sure other will have done the same.

I have told my friend she needs to report him. I called Crimestoppers last night for some confidential advice but they just said she needed to call herself. But I know she won’t give any details, she could prevent this happening to someone else. He is a sexual predator who is interested in young girls and he spent most of his life around them, you can’t ignore that surly? How would the next victims family feel knowing it could be prevented?

I don’t want to upset my friend but how can I justify not saying anything? Can I just give the authorities his name but not identify his victim? There may be evidence in his house or on his computer?

Please help and thank you for reading.

McKneff

What you must do is butt out and leave your friend to deal with it in her own way. Full stop.

You could advise your friend to encourage her and her daughter to seek councelling.

Like I say, her/their business, leave it alone. Just be a friend.

balletshoes

You certainly don't have any right to name your friend's daughter to any authority if you decide to report this man. The decision to involve the girl in any report thats made is hers, after a lot of talking with her mum.

You clearly feel strongly that this man should be reported, and I can understand why. So report him, as far as you can.

Kay_Peel

Your friend, the mother, wants shooting.

Juby

If you phone the NSPCC helpline - 0808 800 5000 - they will be able to advise you on whether this could be taken any further without the details of your friend and her daughter.

flowerpower11

Juby wrote: »

If you phone the NSPCC helpline - 0808 800 5000 - they will be able to advise you on whether this could be taken any further without the details of your friend and her daughter.

Thank you, I will do that.

Bufger

someone call Jeremy Kyle!

Its her word years on against his. Its still worth reporting him just incase they uncover anything else or he has previous. - if he was stupid enough he may have photos or they may be able to check his internet access for dodgy sites and get him done on that.

Kay_Peel

Who in their right minds would allow a child to stay over with
- people she didn't know
- people who drank heavily
- people who lived in a filthy house
- bearing in mind the the 'indecent exposure' incident ?????

I note that she was 'grateful for time on her own'. Lucky her! In doing so, she put her daughter at grave risk.

She was neglectful and wilfully blind to the dangers. It makes me so angry - grrrrrr/

No wonder her child is thinking of or has already turned Childline.

I hope you can do something to help this child.

mrs_marty

I can understand your frustration, I would be urging my friend to do something about it.

All you can do is be there, maybe suggest her daughter goes for some kind of counselling?

MandM90

I'd definitely seek advise from NSPCC or similar, with him working in a school. This may have happened to other children, and may happen to more. I don't agree with leaving it alone and just being a good friend. If something happened to my daughter and I found out someone else knew the perpetrator had acted in that way before and failed to report it (thus allowing him/her more access to children) I would be very angry. Though I agree it would be unfair to give the girls name or involve her, you need to talk to someone and get advice as if he isn't dealt with he could easily ruin lives. The thought of someone like that working at my daughter's school sends chills through my bones, it really does.

I can understand your friend feeling worried about her being a bad mother; because reading that I couldn't help but judge her. Very strange situation she got her daughter into!

thistledome

McKneff wrote: »

What you must do is butt out and leave your friend to deal with it in her own way. Full stop.

This Man could be molesting other children right now, the last thing anyone should be doing is "butting out".

Agree with juby, phone the helpline OP.

If you don't get anywhere with child protection charities, as a last resort I'd consider sending an anonymous letter to the police. No need to mention your friend and her daughter if you don't want to - just give this Man's name and address and tell them what he's done and hopefully they'll pay a visit and take a look at his hard drive.