Help with my partners child and her ex

sarymclary

Hi,
Depends upon your financial situation how you want to progress this. You can seek financial advice, and take this situation to the Family Court. They will possibly involve CAFCASS who are the section that deal with the children. You, your partner, her ex and your step-son will all be interviewed individually to establish what has been going on, and a way forward for all of you. This person is completely impartial (can be a bit do-gooder-ish perhaps), but is meant to be wanting to find out what the child involved would really like to see happen, and then the representative will prepare a report for the Court stating her findings and making recommendations. It is unlikely that she will recommend no access for the father unless the child has asked for it, and even then she may feel is a misguided request, or that he is at risk of serious harm from the ex. She will very likely be looking to have a defined timetable of contact which the ex and your partner will be expected to adhere to. If either step out of line then the courts can be used to deal with it. Leaving it on a casual basis is probably just enabling the father to be casual in his approach to his responsibilites to this child.

In this case, if you feel there is a genuine case of mental abuse towards the child taking place, and bedwetting could indicate this, or it may just be a sign of unhappiness or stress generally, then you may need to involve Social Services, who may help to back your partner and her son up. That said, they can also be a bunch of plonkers, who don't work as effectively as they should (DF has had dreadful experience with is 2 children and his ex and SS). If you deal with them keep notes on all phone calls, who you spoke to, copies of all correspondence (they lose files easily), and chase them up if you don't hear from them.

Get your partner to keep a diary of every incident relevant from now on. This can be used as a record to show as evidence. If the ex is prepared to use his child as a weapon to get back at his ex, then this could be very important.

Most importantly is to consider what this poor child might really want. Unfortunately he's so young that he probably has little idea what his father's actions are causing, and may still feel genuine love and affection for his father. Sometimes a child needs to grow up a bit more to actually see their failing parent for what they really are. All you can do is continue to stand by him, comfort him and support him all the way, but don't ever let him feel he never had a voice in any decision that was made for him, and don't underestimate what he might be able to understand if it's explained clearly enough to him.

alias7

I don't really have much advice to offer you, apart from going down the route of a family court arranged custody arrangement. This way, if the guy breaks a court order it will stand you and your partner in a strong position if you needed to take the matter further.

Just from you coming here and asking for advice on this matter shows you must be a really good father.

jellycat40

Speaking as someone who is a parent with daily care and control and an absent partner and a current husband I think that it is in the best interest of the child to continue some sort of contact with his father.

My daughter (9) has not long returned from a 2 week stay with her father. She has regaled me with all sorts of stories of things that happened and has come back cuddly and unsettled. However, she will continue to spend time with her father, his new wife and their child - My daughters brother (we don't go in for the half bit in our family) and I will only say no more when she says so herself. It is difficult but he has to be allowed to know who his father is and if you cease all contact now he will not. He will grow to make his own decisions . My older children (22,20 and 18) saw their father (yes I have been married 3 times) when they wanted and now see him for what he is, a drunk, sad man, but they still see him and still love him - they do not respect him.

My current OH does not see his children - he is not allowed to by his ex. They by turn refuse to talk to him on the phone, then decide they will and then finally agree to see him for a couple of hours, this is usually 2-3 times a year and usually co incides with Xmas and birthdays. She (his ex) allows these visits providing the children do not come to our home and they do not mix with my children or spend time with me alone. They will realise as they grow that this is not right and will want to spend time with their father who is not evil or uncaring or any of the things their mother feeds them with but a fine man who has done his best to maintain whatever contact he can with his children.

With regard to the whole calling you Dad issue - I think that you are right to just go along with it. If he does, if he doesn't should not be an issue for any grown ups. Yes it is upsetting for the bio dad but at the end of the day the child is the important one. My older three changed their surnames to be the same as me when I remarried, it hurt my ex like hell but he allowed it without fuss because he loves his children.

Sorry for the length of the post.

Louise

Crazychik

jonnyb1978 wrote:

Thanks again for all advice. I would like to clear things up.

I particularly dont want to take his Dad away.
He has no parental responsibility. They where never married.
It took my partner to have the baby to actually pluck up the courage to leave him.
He has another child with someone else who had an injunction out against him for some reason.
I am not getting involved as such but seeking advice. I will obviously support my partners decision only if it seems in the best interest of the child.
As for calling me Dad, i have never told him to. He just started saying it by himself with no pressure whatsoever. Im not bothered what he calls me as long as he knows i am there for him which he does. I was in the same boat once and still am. My Dad is a clown and my Step Dad has been more of a Dad although i call him by his name i introduce him to people as my Dad.
My partner is not trying to stop him seeing his Dad but looking for a solution to stop his mind games and total irresponsibility that is affecting a 6 year child whose behaviour and health is suffering and in my opinion will only get worth.

I could go on and on with a list of endless things he is doing that affects the poor child.

Anyway, thanks again

You are a male version of how my life is and has been for the last 3yrs.
Only im the mother and my OH has taken on my 2kids. DS 10 & DD 7.
mind games from my ex was endless. BUt have gotten Less as time goes by, so lets just hope that your g/f's ex will grow out of it. Its been quiet here for a few months, I still get the odd text, but nothing as drastic as it was!
My ex has no parental responsibilites. He was usuless with childcare when he lived with me, and still is by all accounts from what I hear.
He does see the kids regular (but sometimes lets them down at the last minute) or uses them as bait to wind me up, ie - if he knows Ive arranged to go out when its his turn to have them, he will change his mind and make some exuse up just so he doesnt have them and spoil my plans.And upsets the kids in the meantime. When I say go "out", I dont mean clubbing or a night on the town. I could be visiting friends/family, or just simply shopping.
My OH is very supportive towards me and my children and I owe him a big thankyou, he has stood by me through all the hassle, made both myself and my children very happy by doing the simple things in life, like playing footbal or playing a board game or by simply going to the park.
The have accidently called him "dad", but have corrected themselves. My OH's name begins with "d", so can see the mis-interpritation
They are that age now who they know who they can trust and rely on. This is something I will let my kids decide, and wont be forced upon them. If they want to see "dad", they can (provide no harm comes to them), if they dont want to go, who am I to force my kids into a situation they dont want to be in.
My OH gets called names by my ex, please himself what he says, but I dont agree with it, when my kids are repeating it.

If it gets to a stage where the mind games, taunts, let downs are still continuing, then you must urge your g/f to set some ground rules.
It took me ages to get to where I am now, my ex wouldn't listen to me and the damage it was doing to the kids. So I involved his family. They thought the sun shon out of his AS5 and was surprised ref the things I told them. I didnt do it purposely to cause trouble, but just hoping they would talk to him and let him see reason.

I think you're doing a great job, your g/f is very lucky!
Dont let the b*astard grind you down. He needs to move on and accept that his once beloved partner has now a new life.

Morglin

Perhaps your GF, throughher solicitor, could ask for her ex to only have supervised access to the boy at the moment?

This could be at a family centre, or in the home of a trusted relative.

It would, at least, put an end to any mind games, and ensure that he is not being allowed to become upset by what is being said to him by his dad.

If possible, I would at least try and let him keep contact with his biological father - if you stop this, it may come back and cause you problems later on.

I beleive solicitors can organise mediation for "warring" parents - and perhaps your GF and her ex can attend something like this, and try and thrash out the best way forward for their child.

Lin

NewbieSavvySaver

I am on the other end of this, my parter had contact cut from his ex yet he still pays the CSA and has always made the effort to see his son. She remarried and doesnt want to know. Her son als calls his new stepdad "dad" much to my boyfriends hurt. I think ur stepsons father needs help. if YOU really cared for this child then you would make a step to make the relationship amicable between you both. he sounds like a nightmare I admit, but I think its not your decision to cut contact.

Bossyboots

I'm not going to comment on the personal decisions to be made but there are some rather odd suggestions here which I will comment on.

The actual position is that the child's mother can simply stop contact if she chooses. She doesn't need to go to Court, she just does not need to make the child available for contact. If the father is sufficiently concerned about seeing his son then he will need to make an application to the court where both sides can put their case, CAFCASS can get involved and visits can be supervised if necessary.

This is the same even if there is a court order as the overriding principle of the Children Act is the welfare of the child. The basic principal is that a child should have a relationship with both parents. The two are not always compatible but it is not necessarily the parents who are in the best position to decide that.

Unfortunately children do learn to play the adults off against each other. You need to be careful of falling into that trap.

Ultimately the decision is the mum's perhaps taken after a chat with the child but he is a little young really to be able to deal with this. Even if he is not happy, there will be an ingrained loyalty to his dad.

It is a sad fact that children can become pawns in a dispute between parents but it is also an even sadder fact sometimes children are better off not having contact with one or other of their parents (or indeed both).

Sometimes just taking a stand and stopping contact is enough to shake a difficult parent into cleaning up their act.

I agree with the point made about him not calling the OP dad. I would be gutted if my children called someone else mum (except their in-laws of course).

black-saturn

Sounds like your gf might be the victim of harrassment. She needs to keep a diary of events such as phonecalls and contact the police.