Help with my partners child and her ex

jonnyb1978

I am currently living with my partner and her 6 year old child. We get on brilliant and up until a month os so ago he had started to call be Dad and still does in passing although not to my face anymore.

The problem is my partners ex who is the Father of the child. He is a prat.
I have absolutly nothing to do with him apart from when i answer the phone.
When my partner was with him he would play mind games (still does) to the extent of mental abuse, stay out for days on end, drinks excessively etc etc. He will try to use his son to get at me and my partner although does not succeed. Its hard to explain on the forum but he is very irresponsible. Hardly rings then rings all the time, makes empty promises to his son, rings up drunk slagging my partner off. Only communications through his 6 year when he is picking him up etc. When the child stays at his Dads, the Dad tells him stupid things like I am nothing to him and our new baby is not really his brother. Told him off for calling me Dad. Tells him lies about me, our house and my partner (his Mum). He is generally a nuisance. Always late, cant trust him to do anything and would not believe a word he says. He knows when he messes up but he will use the child to make the blame lay with his Mum. This is very confusing for the child. He wees the bed when he has had dealings with his Dad, and has recently started to be very naughty and cheeky. Its all down to his Dad.
He does not pay a penny in support as he probably rents his flat, changes jobs all the time and basically doing benefit fraud as him and his brother all
use each others names etc etc. CSA is out the question as he probably is not officially living where he is.

My partner has pretty much come to a decision to not let him see his child again as it is the child who is suffering and beng affected.
I dont want him to stop seeing his Dad as my mum and Dad split when i was liitle, but want the childs best interest. Im stuck and not sure which way to go. I was thinking for my partner to basically sit him down and tell him he can see him a certain day and night a week, no more mind games, help support him etc otherwise he will not see him. Hopefully this will make him get his act together and if he sticks with it and shows we can trust him then we will be more willing to meet him half way and arrange other days or swap days etc as at the moment he constantly lets him down as he would rather go the pub on a Saturday night than see his son. Then say i wanted to see you but your Mum wouldnt let me.

Has anyone any advice? This may seem harsh but its hard to explain what he is really like. Would the CAB be able to help?


Thanks

kelloggs36

Your GF could apply to the Court to have access defined. If he breaches the order then I would do it. Give him the opportunity to shoot himself in the foot!! If I am wrong and he is a good dad, then at least it is all above board. When your 'step-son' is old enough he can make his own decision.

looby75

what a difficult situation to be in, first of all I just want to say what a fantastic job you are doing giving this little boy such a secure home life and being such a good parent to him he's happy to call you dad(and believe me he only calls you dad, without any pressure, because that's what he sees you as the male person in his life who loves and cares for him like a dad should)

secondly if your OH's ex is saying things to your step ds that are totally inappropriate then maybe it might be an idea to demand supervised visits for a while. They are visitation in a controlled environment with trained people who can monitor the kind of behaviour Your OH's ex has been displaying.

Mrs_B_12

Poor kid, it sounds like he's really suffering mentally at the hands of a selfish adult.

You need legal advice, if you were to suddenly stop access, or at least if your partner did, things could turn nasty.

djdido2

Doe$ the former partner $hare any parental re$pon$ibility???.

I have ju$t made the huge deci$ion to cut my former partner out of my $on$ life. For the very $ame difficultie$ that your$elf, partner and your child are having to go through. To be hone$t the unreliability of him it doe$ not really make much difference to u$. (he doe$ not contribute financially or emotionally and play$ frequent game$ in order to $pite me).

I have ju$t $topped contact and he i$ not going to fight me becau$e he doe$ not care!! full $top!!

Al$o, fanta$tic that you are $uch a caring daddy!!!. Hope you get thi$ $orted $oon:)

djdido

Mics_chick

I agree with advice already given - go the official route and if he can't stick with it then your OH can apply for no contact/supervised visits officially.

If your stepson is weeing the bed after visiting his Dad I think you know what is really in his best interests... Anyone can donate a sperm sample but your Dad is the person who is there when you need them and in this case that's YOU :T

jonnyb1978

Thanks to all for the advice. He has no parental responsibilty. He couldnt even tell you what class in school he is in. He will have him on avearge once every 2 weeks and just fills him with sweets and rubbish. Takes him the pub and generally does everything we try not to. So everything we teach him is undone.

How do we start the ball rolling. make an appointment with a solicitor? Will we need evidence as its does not really sound much when i say he lets him down, plays mind games etc etc..

Thanks again. At least i know we are not over reacting

Broken_hearted

You start the ball rolling by stepping out of the situation, it is up to your partner and her ex to sort it out.

Slapps

sounds like you an ur partner r doin the best by the ickle boy. i agree with most of the replys but just remember that whatever you both decide to do you will have to explain your reasons and actions to him later in life.
tc and i hope everything works out for your family

djdido2

jonny. i did not get a $olicitor i ju$t did it! confident that becau$e he can't be !!!!!d he did not need to fight me for acce$$ a$ he ha$ to pay for thi$.

I'd book an appoinment though to get advice!!

loftus

I think you will find that if you take legal advice on this that unless your partners ex is a danger to the child you will have great difficulty - in legal terms - preventing him from seeing his son if he wants to continue the relationship.
If you partner and her ex were married he does have parental responsibility.