My Brother is in a mess and has nothing to show for it

ktb

liuhut wrote:

...the thing is that this will probably make my brother feel worse - guilt etc - one of his comments to her was he just wants her to be proud of him.
My mum has a few things going on at the moment, she lost her mum at the end of last year and had just given both me and my brother some money - I think that she feels that he will have wasted that money as well that my gran worked so hard for - really dont think that it will be helping the situation.

I should think he's really feeling very guilty at the moment. But there isn't much you can do about it but let it runs its course. If he has frittered your gran's money and knows your mum will be disappointed I should think he's prob been beating himself up about it for a while. If underneath he does want her to be proud then at least he has the foundations & reasons for turning himself around, he just has to do it on his own terms.

I think what mh1923 said about the worst case senario is really valid. If you can get your parents to grasp that senario it would prob be really helpful to everyone involved. There is nothing constructive they can do for him at the moment really except make it clear how they feel about the situation & offer him support (but NOT money or any kind of bailing out).

liuhut

Yes ktb I will, have tried that approach a bit this morning and will keep on at it. I think my mum is still in shock tbh, now it sounds daft but she really thought that he was saving and then started to notice bits in the post and put it together from there.
He has been to look at a place with his GF - not sure how much she knows either and am not close to her so am unable to ask. He has told me that they have looked at mortgages but it will be interesting to see if he will be able to get one for how much he will need.
As for bailing out, if my mum has given one then she has always given to the other, would be very tempting to push her to give him £10k, i could use that too!! (not for debts!) but he does have to do this himself.
At the end of the day, hes young, hes got no ties, he must of enjoyed himself and at least he is still young enough to get it sorted over the next couple of years, am sure he could do it sooner if he tried.

Will try and drop a few hints about things that I have saved through this site like quidco and will maybe mantion that I have claimed some bank charges back through advise from the site (havn't got any to claim back but he doesn't know that!!)

Am feeling much better about his situation now, that sounds bad but I think I was supprised by it to and just wanted to try to put it right for him NOW and at the end of the day its not me that needs to do that.

carriel_2

Hi hun, have a ((((((((hug)))))))) it sounds like you love your brother very much, he is luck to have such a caring family.

Unfortunately, your mum only charging him £50 per month rent is not doing him any favours, I'm guessing she buys his food? Does his washing? Ironing? Cleaning? Cooking?

Something similar happened to my brother, my mum has this old fashioned idea that men need to be looked after by a woman, so when his marriage broke up, instead of making him be responsible for himself, she told him to come home (he was 26) & he took advantage of her for 3 years. Got himself into really bad financial problems, which she bailed him out of.

Short story is, he is in bad financial trouble again now, 5 years on, & the reason why is because he has never had to be accountable for his own actions.

Personally, I dont think anyone should look at his mail anymore, the only person who can decide to do anything about it is him, maybe being refused a mortgage might be the wakeup call he needs.

Until then, your mum should put his rent up to a reasonable amount, make him buy his own food & make him look after himself, hes not a child anymore.

justruth

Might not be a popular approach, but one way for your mum to tackle this might be to ask him to pay more board every month. He then has to justify not giving her a reasonable increase, which could be a way for the truth to come out. That said what he does next is entirely up to him, but as already mentioned, worst case, he goes bankrupt, he doesn't have much to lose. Best case, he faces up to the problem and deals with it.

If there is some mental health problem, and I have no intention of jumping to conclusions here, then they need to be dealt with sooner rather than later.

liuhut

She does everything, organises everything for him. We have always blamed his ex for the breakup - thinking about it now I reckon she got out when she knew how much debt he was in the first time.
I think that is the reason too for my brother. When we were kids she used to give me money each week and I budgeted and saved - used to buy my own clothes etc and that was when I was 15. She tried to do the same with him but he used to spend it on the first day LOL.
Dont get me wrong - she didn't open the post however she did see it laying round. Maybe he wanted her to see it ??
Yeah I know he's 26 and he jokes that he could never have a kid as he cannot look after himself.
Am just going to have to keep telling my mum and hopefully she will listen. I think she is still worried at the moment where its all gone.

liuhut

Jusruth, your thanks button has gone!! I think she is reluctant to do this cause of the bank charges that he is paying each month due to him being over his OD limit which I know he has increased a few times. She really should thought, maybe he would appriciate his money if he had less to spend - not sure on that one.

I agree about the worst and best case. I has depression last year and he was really concerned about me and tried to help, might try to push this with him and see if I can help him from that side, as I am unable to speak to him about the debt issues cause my mum doesn't want him to know that she has told me!!

Emmysmum_2

I agree, if he is to stay, your mum should charge him the going rate for room and board. She can take part of it and put it into an account of her own and when it gets to so much, give it to him so he can move out. Also, if he was renting a room somewhere, his food and laundry generally would not be prepared for him. he should do his own laundry at least.

Doing stuff to "help him feel better" is just prolonging the issue, and TBH, in my personal experience, some of the making her feel bad by acting upset about it all is manipulation so he does not have to deal with his isssues. it does sound as if he may suffer from sort of depression and should speak to his GP to deal withthose issues. Perhaps also making arrangements with a middleman who oversees his finaces and goes over it may be of help. perhaps your father can sit down with him, get all the actual figures, do a MS Money thing for him, have him sit with your dad to do a weekly accounting, and putting him on a cash only allowancewith his debit cards in the freezer may be of use. he can withdraw over the counter still if need be for his weekly cash.

justruth

Oh NO! Give me my thanks button back!

Thats cool, I think you have so much good advice on here, that you can pick and chose the best to suit your particular situation. Perhaps you may do just as well to take your mum out of the situation, take her for a coffee, as once she has time to distance herself from the problem and work out how she feels with regard to it all she can decide how she wants to tackle it. Heck get the girl on here and see how she feels!

From what you have said your mum needs a break, your brothers problems will always be a worry to her, but they are not actually her problems. Once she has gained some perspective over the situation she might find it less overwhelming.

carriel_2

I know it would be hard for your mum to ask him for more money, but sometimes whats best for your child, isnt whats easy (I know i've got 2 myself)

One way she could look at it, which is something that I plan on doing for my children if it ever happens that they are earning well, but still living at home. Would be for her to up his rent, but the extra money she takes could be put in a savings account for him (without his knowledge) for later in his life, for that first grandchild, wedding, house deposit etc.

With his income & the debts he has, he can quite easily afford his repayments & there is no need for him to keep going over his limit, your mum asking for more rent shouldnt be an issue, him gaining responsibility for his own actions is.

AndyR_3

I wonder if his salary is still being paid into the overdrawn account, meaning that, after the bank charges etc have come out, there's not much left.

In this case he should open another (basic with no overdraft) account elsewhere, have his wages paid to there and then work out somthing with the existing bank to repay the overdraft monthly. Most banks will agree to freeze charges in these cases, although it will take a some persuasion.