My Brother is in a mess and has nothing to show for it

Storm

Meant to add - why not drop into conversation about the bank charges that can be re-claimed, then direct him to this website to get all the template letters etc. You never know, he might have a look around and come join us on DFW of his own accord!

ktb

oh liuhut! Not a nice situation to be in... my brother is terrible with money & did exactly the same thing. When we found out & confronted him he was in total denial about it all and refused to be honest with us or let any of us help him.

There was absolutely nothing any of us could do to get him to deal with this when we found out and it reallly broke my mum's heart especially as there had been bailiffs round to her house! He had a nightmare few years, his bank was sending threatening letters and he was being refused any more cards (thank god!!). It took quite a while for him to have anything resembling a LBM and unfortunately we all just had to wait patiently and just be there when it did eventually happen. The fact was that he was actually really scared of it all and felt like he'd let everyone down so didnt want to involve us.

Although he hasnt had a full on DFW lightbulb yet and he is still very much paying for all those years he is finally in a much more stable position and 'dealing' with the debts rather than ignoring them.

I hate to say it but you might just have to ride this one out until he wants to deal with it all himself. The fact is if someone else 'fixes' this for him or unless he is ready to deal with his spending he will just get into the same position again very quickly.

I really wish your family luck and obviosly point him this way if he does have a LBM in the near future and want some support.

liuhut

Storm wrote:

If the money has gone on drugs/gambling/alchohol he may not be ready to face it if he's addicted. If you honestly believe that there's an addiction problem there are support groups for family members run in conjunction with the relevant 'anonymous' group.

To put a bit of perspective in though:

Take home pay will be about £1250 after tax & NI - maybe less if he's got student loan repayments too.

Debt Repayments maybe around £500 a month (5% of 10K) - this is based on if it's a credit card & he's paying the minimum.

Also if he buys lunch at work every day, plus travel expenses, plus if he buys magazines, rounds in the pub when he does go out - it all adds up!

Could the debt have been run up before he moved back in with your parents? I'm wondering if he had a LBM, but didn't want to confess, so said about saving for deposit etc. At the end of the day though if he doesn't want to talk to people about it there's nothing you can do!

Good luck

Your right about there is nothing that I can do, I told my mum that this afternoon - she has been at mine all afternoon in tears... tried to tell her it is nothing to do with her and that she has to let him lead his life and just make sure that she is there when he is ready.
I think we cross posts!! He might still of had other debts from last time but I'm sure he had about £2k left after he had paid everything. No student loans. My mum makes him a pack up and part of his £12.50 a week board - not bad is it!!! No travel expenses, he uses my mums car and has a works van!!! We just don't see where it goes and really as someone said its none of my business. Suppose I'm just a worried big sis who wants to make sure he is OK. anyway getting upset now!, will come back on later.

lethal_2

Just out of intrest, how old is he?

liuhut

lethal wrote:

Just out of intrest, how old is he?

He's 26, he moved out of home when he was 22, I think! and then moved back after a year

liuhut

ktb wrote:

oh liuhut! Not a nice situation to be in... my brother is terrible with money & did exactly the same thing. When we found out & confronted him he was in total denial about it all and refused to be honest with us or let any of us help him.

There was absolutely nothing any of us could do to get him to deal with this when we found out and it reallly broke my mum's heart especially as there had been bailiffs round to her house! He had a nightmare few years, his bank was sending threatening letters and he was being refused any more cards (thank god!!). It took quite a while for him to have anything resembling a LBM and unfortunately we all just had to wait patiently and just be there when it did eventually happen. The fact was that he was actually really scared of it all and felt like he'd let everyone down so didnt want to involve us.

Although he hasnt had a full on DFW lightbulb yet and he is still very much paying for all those years he is finally in a much more stable position and 'dealing' with the debts rather than ignoring them.

I hate to say it but you might just have to ride this one out until he wants to deal with it all himself. The fact is if someone else 'fixes' this for him or unless he is ready to deal with his spending he will just get into the same position again very quickly.

I really wish your family luck and obviosly point him this way if he does have a LBM in the near future and want some support.

Thank you for your post. My mum had suggested paying it all off for him. I told her not to, I know he will just run it all up again. The thing is, she still does nearly everything for him and he really does have to fend for himself. I felt really mean saying it but he has to ask for her help himself??

chevalier

Maybe she should up the amount of board he pays. That is nowhere near enough. I was paying that much in the 1980's! It may make him sit up a bit if more of his disposable income is going to something he has to pay......

Good luck with it.

liuhut

Yeah I see what you mean. Mu mum thought that she was helping him out with just a 'token' board so that he could save more towards a place. she helps me out with child care and tries to do for one what she does for the other. I suggested that she up the board now and put a bit away for him but as he is already paying charges it might just add to his OD, am sure he will not budget for it.

wattapain

Liuhut, I truly sympathise with you , as I am in a very similar situation with my son. He is 31:eek: and is in a pretty dire situation.
About 3 years ago he had credit card debts that wer e constantly over their limit, paying mim=nimum payment (usually late :mad: ) and consequently kept getting penalty charges from cc's & the bank ( over the od limit:mad: :mad: )
Basically, we baled him out then - I got a bank loan as his credit rating was so bad he couldn't get one.
Well he paid them off and set up a dd to pay me back every month and that worked ok for a while.
Well things are going that way again I'm afraid - he is now over his od limit again :mad: has no money till payday, the bank keeps ringing him, and he just won't talk about it . I've printed off loads of stuff from here re rclaiming charges, also re spending diaries, bought him Martin's books, but still no lbm:mad:
To be fair though he has paid off the cards ( well one of them Halifax:mad: ) not sure about the other one Egg - who have treated him a bit better ('ish).
Yes, he's now back at home, but insists on renting a flat with his mate from next month.
As he's like this living at home with no major expense, my heart sinks at the thought of what'll happen once he has rent, bills, food etc, etc.
Sorry for such a long post but dreally on't know what to do for the best , and am losing sleep over it.

Terri

Terri

ktb

liuhut wrote:

Yeah I see what you mean. Mu mum thought that she was helping him out with just a 'token' board so that he could save more towards a place. she helps me out with child care and tries to do for one what she does for the other. I suggested that she up the board now and put a bit away for him but as he is already paying charges it might just add to his OD, am sure he will not budget for it.

In my experience parent's 'helping out' often does more harm than good I think! My brother lived at my parent's house much longer than I did and ended up having alot more done for him than he should have. I have to say that his LBM came at roughly the same time as he moved into a flat with a friend and was suddenly paying a proper rent, bills and buying his own food. Your brother still living at home and being given such an easy ride has probably made this whole thing much worse. Until he has to stand on his own 2 feet and realise how to manage money properly I dont think he will totally understand his situation. If you are guarenteed a roof over your head and food on the table why on earth not fritter money away?

Tough love is probably the best way to help him really.