My Brother is in a mess and has nothing to show for it

liuhut

I think you are probably spot on although I'm not sure my mum will agree. Just tried to call her to see how she is but she is out. He is on about getting a mortgage....we shall see!

liuhut

wattapain wrote:

Liuhut, I truly sympathise with you , as I am in a very similar situation with my son. He is 31:eek: and is in a pretty dire situation.
About 3 years ago he had credit card debts that wer e constantly over their limit, paying mim=nimum payment (usually late :mad: ) and consequently kept getting penalty charges from cc's & the bank ( over the od limit:mad: :mad: )
Basically, we baled him out then - I got a bank loan as his credit rating was so bad he couldn't get one.
Well he paid them off and set up a dd to pay me back every month and that worked ok for a while.
Well things are going that way again I'm afraid - he is now over his od limit again :mad: has no money till payday, the bank keeps ringing him, and he just won't talk about it . I've printed off loads of stuff from here re rclaiming charges, also re spending diaries, bought him Martin's books, but still no lbm:mad:
To be fair though he has paid off the cards ( well one of them Halifax:mad: ) not sure about the other one Egg - who have treated him a bit better ('ish).
Yes, he's now back at home, but insists on renting a flat with his mate from next month.
As he's like this living at home with no major expense, my heart sinks at the thought of what'll happen once he has rent, bills, food etc, etc.
Sorry for such a long post but dreally on't know what to do for the best , and am losing sleep over it.

Terri

Terri

Thats just like my mum. She has not slept for the last few days since she found out. My brother is on about moving out and reckons that when he has bills he will 'just have to find the money'. I've said to my mum that she needs to let him go and sort it for himself. He is 26 and not six after all. He did get depressed a few months ago and suggested a few silly things like ending it all - this was before we found out what was happening. My mum is really scared now of what he might do. She has told me not to say anything to him and I fell like my hands are tied

lyric_grace

I have alot of empathy for your position, my brother is in alot of debt too, he is 23, has a car but in negative equity! Has many credit cards and at least 2 overdrafts, he's just bought a flat with his girlfriend for £120,000 and she has no job! I constantly worry about him and have offered to help so many times, he's had a few false lightbulb moments but then just goes out and spends hundreds of pounds on stupid things like sound systems etc. Then I'm going through more emotions of anger with him, why can't he see what he's doing. He is self employed and so work can be loads sometimes and other times nothing. I try and try to say things to him like, do you really need to spend that money or drive like there is no tomorrow but then he just gets angry with me and we fall out because he says its his money, but thats just it it's not his money. It hurts me so bad to think of what he is doing. I'm so worried he'll get a cold hard shock in a few months when his house bills need paying and I worry so much that he'll lose his flat. But what can I do? He won't listen to me, as much as I want to help, even now I'm nearly crying, worrying about him! Lets hope he has his real lightbulb moment soon.

taxi73

Hi there..just read this post...my son suffers fom bi-polar disease(manic depression)...and what your brother is displaying seems to mirror the symptoms...does he have highs?followed by lows?..sorry if I'm off the mark..my son when he's bad has an air of grandeur...another thought that crossed my mind is that he may have lost his job but hasn't told anyone...again I may be off the mark..so sorry if I am...if none of these apply than I'm sorry only he can have his LB moment...sorry to sound negative!!!and good luck

ktb

liuhut wrote:

He did get depressed a few months ago and suggested a few silly things like ending it all - this was before we found out what was happening. My mum is really scared now of what he might do. She has told me not to say anything to him and I fell like my hands are tied

wow... again I could actually be reading about my own brother. When my Dad mistakenly opened a letter addressed to my brother and found out about loans/credit cards he had taken out and confronted him my brother ended up in a total mess and even took out knives and held them to his wrists. He was obviously depressed and feeling very out of control about it all. But all that happened once it had all calmed down was that my parents helped him out more than ever because obviously watching your son cry, scream how useless he is and threaten to kill himself doesnt exactly make you want to try out the 'tough love' approach.

It took a getting a good new job and therefore gaining more self esteem etc to finally help my brother on his road to recovery. Maybe your brother needs some help with his depression before he can sort out his finances etc?

mh1923

Okay, look at it the worst case scenario.

What will happen if he doesn't stop spending?

Eventually, he will no longer be able to get credit. He won't be able to pay things back. And collection agencies will pursue him.

However, on the bright side, it doesn't sound like he has any assets to lose. Unless someone has co-signed a loan for him, they can't come after any of his relatives for his debts. He may have his LBM then, or he may find ways of dragging it out or he may end up in bankruptcy. But he has family who aren't going to let him starve or go homeless.

None of that is pleasant, but it sounds like your mother is letting her fears take over. Perhaps if she can actually envision the worst case scenario, it won't be quite so scary to her, and she'll be able to let him go on until he is ready to face it himself.

liuhut

lyric_grace wrote:

I'm so worried he'll get a cold hard shock in a few months when his house bills need paying and I worry so much that he'll lose his flat. But what can I do? He won't listen to me, as much as I want to help, even now I'm nearly crying, worrying about him! Lets hope he has his real lightbulb moment soon.

Thats how I feel too, although I suppose at least I know he has a roof over his head. My brother just isn't being honest about it. I was crying last night and I am really trying not to worry, I'm too just hoping he comes to his senses but dont know what it will take to make him do that.
Thank you for posting, it made me feel better. I felt to helpless yesterday but had a really good chat to my mum and dad this morning and my dad is going to sit him down. He ALWAYS calls me after he has had a run in with my dad so hopefully he will this time and I might be able to help a bit

liuhut

taxi73 wrote:

Hi there..just read this post...my son suffers fom bi-polar disease(manic depression)...and what your brother is displaying seems to mirror the symptoms...does he have highs?followed by lows?..sorry if I'm off the mark..my son when he's bad has an air of grandeur...another thought that crossed my mind is that he may have lost his job but hasn't told anyone...again I may be off the mark..so sorry if I am...if none of these apply than I'm sorry only he can have his LB moment...sorry to sound negative!!!and good luck

Thanks for your post, it didn't sound negative! I put a few of the things that you mentioned to my mum and dad this morning - trying not to scare my mum!! We havn't noticed any mood swings but they are going to keep an eye out for this and direct him towards the doctors if nec.
On the job front, my dad works very closly with the compant that my brother works for, he would have def heard if anything had happened.

liuhut

KTB

My dad is going to sit down with him and have a chat. My mum spoke to him the other night but she might not be the best person to tackle the issue - my dad is much more broad minded and if there is a issue he would react a lot carmer & my brother knows this!!
If it does kick off then my brother always calls me after an arguement so hopefully I can talk some sense into him too.
Hope things improve for you and your family - I'm so glad I posted on here, felt I was over reacting initially but it has really given us a few things to think about and maybe changed the way my mum and dad will try to help him.

Will let you know what happens!!

liuhut

mh1923 wrote:

Okay, look at it the worst case scenario.

What will happen if he doesn't stop spending?

Eventually, he will no longer be able to get credit. He won't be able to pay things back. And collection agencies will pursue him.

However, on the bright side, it doesn't sound like he has any assets to lose. Unless someone has co-signed a loan for him, they can't come after any of his relatives for his debts. He may have his LBM then, or he may find ways of dragging it out or he may end up in bankruptcy. But he has family who aren't going to let him starve or go homeless.

None of that is pleasant, but it sounds like your mother is letting her fears take over. Perhaps if she can actually envision the worst case scenario, it won't be quite so scary to her, and she'll be able to let him go on until he is ready to face it himself.

You are right, I put this to my mum thsi morning who hadn't slept again. My dad said that she just wont stop crying, the thing is that this will probably make my brother feel worse - guilt etc - one of his comments to her was he just wants her to be proud of him.
My mum has a few things going on at the moment, she lost her mum at the end of last year and had just given both me and my brother some money - I think that she feels that he will have wasted that money as well that my gran worked so hard for - really dont think that it will be helping the situation.

I agree that she does need to let him go - at the very worst he can just come home again and I told her this monring at least he doesn't have kids to worrry about in all of this - my dad then helpfully suggested that maybe the money is going on grankids that they dont know about!!