Thoughts, opinions or advice.....

zcrat41

Mojisola wrote: »

I know very few farmer's wives who don't have some involvement in the farm.

That's absolutely right! In my saner moments I realise that farmers could just not do harvest hours without backup. In fact, the one or two single farmers I know either get very thin (don't eat) or very fat (takeaway's that deliver to the combine) and frankly by the end of harvest their clothes would stand up by themselves:eek: Its just getting my head round the idea that although I wouldn't be earning money myself we'll be earning it together.

"One thing that no one has mentioned yet.... however much in love you are, you have to consider the possibility that your marriage might not last forever. I know it sounds horrible to write, but let's face it, very few couple who married thought they would end up divorced one day, yet as we know, many do."


I have to say I disagree with this. If you go into marriage considering it might not last I think it will increase the chances it won't! I also understand I probably sound very young and over optimistic with that statement. As we both have fairly large asset bases this was discussed at length before marriage between us and our parents. We didn't sign a prenup but both of us have enough assets and education to be able to sort ourselves out if anything went wrong. I could be supported by the farm whilst I retrained in something if I wanted but I reckon my previous sector wouldn't be too difficult to get back into.


"Now I'm all old and grown-up and a mum myself and I still find it quite hard to get rid of this childish logic.
I don't think it's just me, but something embedded in society too that makes people feel sometimes that having a nice important career and bringing in the money is more important and valuable than doing the laundry/washing up/nappy changing etc."

I really agree with this. Another poster said you can have it all. I really don't think you can. Well, maybe if your rich enough to have a nanny, chef and cleaner then you might but we don't fit into that category. I do think there is the odd superwoman that manages it but I think they're few and far between!

Anyway, had a bit of a chat with the OH about it this weekend (we've been talking about it a lot as a business opportunity has arisen that really provokes conversation) and once we had a chat and he understood my concerns that if someone else doesn't pay me he would have to :rotfl:we had a really open conversation about it and I feel much better now.

"

jackyann

Glad you are talking about this.
I had a job that I loved but in my mind, would never compare with being a mum (best job in the world!)
OH had long, unsociable hours & a lot of responsibility, so I said:
I'm really happy to be a stay-at-home mum, as one of this partnership has to have the kids first in their head, these are the conditions:
1. Until youngest is at school, it is, in our minds a "real job" that I am doing, so we either have a joint account for everything, or we have our own "allowances".
2. We pay for some pension provision (I was one of the first to get state pension credits, but I wanted a top-up as well)
3. I keep up with my career at a low level, so I can at least re-enter, without having to train from scratch. I did that by doing a very few hours work here & there when friends could share child-care, going to open training sessions & reading journals. I also kept a note of the things I did around the kids - helping set up toddler groups, being on playgroup committee etc. and put them on my cv.

zcrat41

Thanks Jackyann - I don't mean to denigrate anyone, I think there's a lot of choice in the world these days - I find its something my friends and I don't talk about. We all assume that the woman (or man, it can go both ways) has to work as well as the other when actually, many of us probably think rather differently. Obviously this becomes imperative if you have kids but as newly weds we're working pretty long hours currently without seeing each other. If we want to enjoy life and each other something will have to give. Luckily we're in a financial position to be able to contemplate it though.

Pension provision is one thing I've covered - OH doesn't believe in structured ones (his business is his pension) but I started off with one that I've kept ticking over. I will keep paying into this by hook or by crook. Hopefully it'll be my holiday slush fund when I'm old! I do think that's really important as its somewhere women could get really left behind.

Errata

Its just getting my head round the idea that although I wouldn't be earning money myself we'll be earning it together.

It's the business that's bringing in the money, and it can't do that unless everyone involved in it plays their part. So - one of you on the combine or the big bailer, and the other doing what needs doing to make that happen.
Think of it as front line troups and rear echelon support: each totally ineffective without the other.

rachbc

zcrat41 wrote: »

Mojisola wrote: »

I really agree with this. Another poster said you can have it all. I really don't think you can. Well, maybe if your rich enough to have a nanny, chef and cleaner then you might but we don't fit into that category. I do think there is the odd superwoman that manages it but I think they're few and far between!

"

You can - I do - I work everyday but pick kids up from school 3 days a week (30hrs), cook from scratch everynight, I have a clean tidy(ish) house, I have hobbies and friends just for me, my kids are happy, bright and confident, hubby has a good job and time for him too. I'm really really far from being superwoman and have no cook, cleaner or nanny. If YOU want it you can have it all - if you don't then obviously fine but don't let anyone tell you, or tell youself, you can't

Mojisola

rachbc wrote: »

zcrat41 wrote: »

You can - I do - I work everyday but pick kids up from school 3 days a week (30hrs), cook from scratch everynight, I have a clean tidy(ish) house, I have hobbies and friends just for me, my kids are happy, bright and confident, hubby has a good job and time for him too. I'm really really far from being superwoman and have no cook, cleaner or nanny. If YOU want it you can have it all - if you don't then obviously fine but don't let anyone tell you, or tell youself, you can't

You've quoted me - but those aren't my words!

zcrat41

Errata - love you on that one! Although if I manage to eject my Dad from the combine seat (and that I would say, virtually impossible!) then my OH would have lept up the steps before I had a chance to! I got to drive it for 10 MINS THIS YEAR!! RIDIC!

Rachbc - wow, I'm amazed you have the time to do everything! Do you ever sleep? I have a friend who manages to do similar to you although she commutes on top so can't pick her kids up from school. But she can survive on 4 hours sleep.

Maybe Ill pick up some magic mum gene if we have kids and i'll be able to cope with looking after more than me and OH, because sometimes frankly, its a struggle to make beans on toast!!

I think for us its a bit of work life balance.Our families don't really do that. You are working or sleeping. Nothing else! I've often done 30 hours by Tuesday and in my old retail job would certainly have been doing 55+ hour weeks as normal.

I'm slowly training my family that time off is ok and doesn't mean you're a slacker/wimp/not hard enough if the neighbours drill is going later than yours. It might just mean he's not as organised as us!