Thoughts, opinions or advice.....

zcrat41

Hello people.

Just wanted a bit of a ramble really and wondered if anyone else has had the same 'issues' as me?! I suspect this may be a thread that divides people so it'll be really interesting to hear peoples thoughts.

I grew up incredibly independent and was taught to be very very career focused by parents and social circle. I did pretty well in my career but jacked it in last year to work in the family business for a lot less money but better lifestyle.

I got married recently and life is wonderful in that respect. Hubby is in the same line of business as the parents and is rather successful. Before marriage we discussed thoroughly that we would have a very traditional marriage i.e if we are lucky enough to have kids I would most definitely be the "homemaker". I love that thought and 99% of the time am very happy with my choice of career move and family that we're building in terms of both hubby and I think one person whether it be man or woman needs to support the other if they're a bit of a high flier.

But 1% of the time I get all grumpy and upset about losing my independence financially, not only due to the recent marriage but my finances being so involved in a family thing.

Just wondered if anyone else has had similar issues?

ZC

SkintGypsy

Having put all my eggs in one basket before, I would never do that again. If one of you goes under, both of you go. We could have afforded for me to stay home after this baby, but having been through redundancy a few times, I knew it made sense to keep my job as a safety net. I work part time, but the option is there to increase hours if I needed to. I suppose it depends how secure your industry is and what kind of safety net you have if things went wrong. I am a pessimist because life has never given me reason to think differently.

ETA. I don't think I even answered your question! I think a career that you have worked hard for is worth keeping, however if you can't balance children and that career, kids would come first for me. I don't think it's about financial independence. Marriage and kids mean you are a team so you both contribute, even if yours doesn't get a payslip.

Errata

If I was 99% satisfield with my life I'd think I'd reached nirvana ! You're not long married, so you're still on the shakedown cruise. Let the dust settle a bit

betsie

Hi
I had a very good job at one of the top Accountancy firms in the country. I spent several years studying for accountancy exams as well. When I first met my OH I earnt quite a bit more than him as he had just set up his own business. Roll forward 6 years to when our 1st child was born, I went back to work 3 days a week (could you not do part time?) and grandparents did the childcare so everyone was happy!?
I hated every minute of my job from this point, I just wanted to be at home with my baby. I lasted 4 years till I had my second child and gave up completely. Yes, we had less money and did find it hard not having my own cash but we both wanted the children to have me at home looking after them.
The things I gave up were far less important than what I gained. My OH also finds it much less stressful as I sort out the kids, homestuff, bills etc
I feel very lucky that we are in a position that I am able to stay at home and care for my children.

To make the money thing easier we have a monthly budget to cover all costs including a set amount for shopping and a set amount for me to spend on our clothes, kids clubs, treats etc. He gives me this at the start of each month and I pay this into my bank account.

mouseymousey99

I've been married and now I'm not. I got married wanting a family and the traditional roles. All hunky dory, but ~ he changed his mind and decided he then didn't want children. I was devastated I didn't realise how much at the time. We carried on for a number of years ...
Long story he now has girlfriend and x2 children I have BF & lots of cats. I'm making light of it, but I think I'm trying to say you really need to think what you want, and not let the other person become your total world. Hope it all works out for you. x

zcrat41

Thanks for the replies people.

Skint Gypsy - we're pretty secure - as long as you good people keep buying bread as we're both farmers. I suppose over the last few weeks I've been working with my mum and dad and hubby 16 hours a day 7 days a week so it doesn't help in terms of perspective!!

Errata - good kick up the back side - I'm happier now than I've ever been and should count my blessings!

Betsie - That sounds really similar to the kind of life we envisage together. And most of the time I think its great - I just get upset when I think if I wanted to buy shoes or a massage (not that I do that often or in secret - OH knows my vices!) it wouldn't be my money. I think its really my own issues about it as OH is quite happy with us being a team and going at life together. I think its probably because I'd feel guilty spending "our" money on "me". OH idea of a treat is buying himself a calippo once in a blue moon!

I think its just about adjusting to marriage, its just really good to hear others advice etc.

Errata

Errata - good kick up the back side - I'm happier now than I've ever been and should count my blessings!

You're most welcome

mountainofdebt

But I guess its all about what you consider as bringing something to the table.

So, and if you did have chldren and decided that you didn't want to work (whether that be in the family business or elsewhere) then you'd bring the childcare, looking after the house and all that entails. So in that respect you're right, no physical money would be brought into the house by you but that isn't to say you wouldn't be contributing to the relationship or the bringing up of the family.

conversely if you wanted to return to work why shouldn't you?

Plans_all_plans

zcrat41 wrote: »

!
I think its probably because I'd feel guilty spending "our" money on "me". OH idea of a treat is buying himself a calippo once in a blue moon!

I think its just about adjusting to marriage, its just really good to hear others advice etc.

My husband is not a big spender. I'm at home with our daughter most of the time and I spend 90% of the money that comes into the household. I certainly spend more on myself than my husband does on himself, even though he earns most of it. I don't feel guilty about it, it's just the way things go. Let's be honest, if you're at home most of the time, you have more time available to spend money! I feel I contribute in other ways, so I don't feel guilty.

As long as you have similar attitudes to money on the whole, things will be fine!

meritaten

you have this mindset that what you do as a Stay at home mum is done for free! it isnt hun! your Oh pays you - call it housekeeping money in the traditional way - but its payment for being the housekeeper and nanny! and its your money!

nuttybabe

when i got pregnant we decided that as i had the better job and higher income i would continue to work and hubby be at home. Well, after maternity leave i couldnt do it and hubby had payrise and then we moved and he is earning more now than i could.

BUT i miss work. I do all the cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, lawn mowing, everything except cutting the hedges so am kept busy (we have 3 kid and monday youngest starts full time). i am going to try to get decorating and garden finished then find a job. i love working. i miss it. i have had 7 years without working so i think its about time i started!!! lol and i am pretty good at what i do!