Thoughts, opinions or advice.....

onlyroz

No way on earth would I give up my career. You really can have it all if you want, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

zcrat41

Really interesting responses. I think its the idea that the homemaker element is worth money but you physically have to get it from someone else that I struggle with. I've had 12 years of having my own money so I guess its just a big change.

I'm not so worried about giving up my career - I'd swap my 9-5 (well, it was more like 7am - 8pm) career job for what I do now any day. In my more sane moments I realise I still will be working - I'll end up being a rather traditional farmers wife! I supppose I think my parents brought me up to be so independent and business minded they'll be disappointed esp my Mum but they were all go about the idea of me coming home to work. And all my high achieving friends think I'm a bit of a doormat now and one or two (jokingly but half serious) have made comment like, it'll be easy now you don't have to worry about money forever.

Anyway, not even pg yet so have a while before it really comes to be an issue!

j.e.j.

This is a really interesting thread. I was, I guess, educated to think that women 'should' have a career. But I now think doing things the traditional way has at least as much value, probably more, imo.

I think as well, it depends on whether you have a career/profession or a 'job'. It must be difficult for women who have built up careers and who love what they do to feel they have to compromise when they have a family. But for those of us whose working life has mainly been a string of not-very-rewarding jobs just to pay the rent, etc then it's not such a dilemma, lol!

Fwiw, I think home-makers tend to be under-valued, and while your friends may make comments, I suspect part of them also envies you for having the freedom now to organise your days and time, and to not have to go out to work.

rachbc

I don't disagree that staying at home is valuable and important but its not for me - I like financial independence, finished cups of tea and shared domestic responsibility. My husband has still manages to be a bit of a high flyer whilst I work and our kids are doing pretty well out of it too. I have to say I would be a bit upset if my daughter (who currently wants to be a Dr AND a Vet lol) decided not to work.

CH27

If you work for the family business you could you not continue working part time around the baby? Maybe change your role slightly?

Mojisola

zcrat41 wrote: »

Skint Gypsy - we're pretty secure - as long as you good people keep buying bread as we're both farmers.

I just get upset when I think if I wanted to buy shoes or a massage (not that I do that often or in secret - OH knows my vices!) it wouldn't be my money. I think its really my own issues about it as OH is quite happy with us being a team and going at life together. I think its probably because I'd feel guilty spending "our" money on "me". OH idea of a treat is buying himself a calippo once in a blue moon

zcrat41 wrote: »

But 1% of the time I get all grumpy and upset about losing my independence financially, not only due to the recent marriage but my finances being so involved in a family thing.

I know very few farmer's wives who don't have some involvement in the farm. There's always another pair of hands needed somewhere, even if it's only driving to collect a new part for the combine or keeping on top of the office work. There are always opportunities for small enterprises around the farm buildings if you want to set up something that will work around looking after children.

If you're planning on going down the more traditional route, you have to stop thinking of his and hers money. Everything that comes into the family is "our" money, whoever earns it. We were running our own agricultural business when our children were small. We both worked on the land and shared the child care, although I probably did more with the children there would be times when I'd carry on with what I was doing and my OH would go in and cook and get the kids to bed.

Keep an eye on the future. Children aren't small for ever. What potential would there be for getting back into work later? Would you be able to get back into farm work or would you need to look outside the farm to earn money?

spaghetti_monster

Hi,
you asked for thoughts/opinions/advice - so I think this will be a bit of a ramble (I'll try to keep it shortish!).

I'm also career-minded, but slightly further down the line - married 3 years and with a 6 month year old son.
My upbringing - my parents were very very supportive of what I wanted to do with my life (and have been of my siblings too). My mum (and hers) were both SAHM and I remember clearly deciding at a very young age that this was too much like very hard work for nothing and very boring and much better to be like a man - and go out every day and be totally free to do what you like to do.

Now I'm all old and grown-up and a mum myself and I still find it quite hard to get rid of this childish logic.
I don't think it's just me, but something embedded in society too that makes people feel sometimes that having a nice important career and bringing in the money is more important and valuable than doing the laundry/washing up/nappy changing etc.

Another thing I realised - there is a lot of materialism and selfishness in my career. Of course there is something more pure at the heart of it - doing something I love which gives something to others - but there is a lot of what I'd call non-monetary materialism. Wanting recognition, peer approval, success, promotion. A lot of "me me me"!

At the moment I'm working on getting the right balance in life. OH has a very good career, works very hard and brings in most of the money. He is extremely allergic to housework, but loves to look after LO.
So I do all the housework, most of the childcare and work part-time.
I must say that I enjoy getting out of the house on my own and going to work - but this is also because it's part-time and OH is taking care of LO. I don't think I'd like to plunge into a full time job and leave LO in a creche. I feel quite lucky the way things are going at the moment.

You mentioned that these are plans for the future - maybe you'll have to see how you feel when a baby comes (but I'm a more "see how it goes type", which is not to everyone's taste!)

clearingout

When I married I did what I suspect a lot of people do and made my now ex-husband's dreams my own, we shared everything, the success and the failusres, good and bad, had joint accounts and 'our' money. In doing so, I guess somewhere along the line I gave up my own dreams, and life didn't quite pan out as I was hoping it would! I would say now, with the benefit of hindsight, that this was a dreadful mistake.

I would say that maintaining your independence is essential because should it all go wrong, you lose everything and it takes a while to claw back. Depending on what your career was, I would suggest doing what you can to keep up to date with developments, work part-time, do a few hours consultancy...something which keeps your hand in. If it's the kind of career you can go back to without all of that then it's less of an issue. There is plenty you can do whilst at home to bring in money and maintain that sense of independence. I would say it is essential you maintain your own bank account, preferably with a different bank to your husband, not necessarily with thousands going through it, but just a few hundred a month (child benefit, tax credit for example).

Above all, I would say keep a 'what if' in the back of your head and work out what you would need to maintain yourself and your children should your husband die or you split up. Death can be dealt with by an insurance policy - divorce is harder!

I am sorry to be doom and gloom - like most people, I didn't think it would ever happen to me. It did. I have learnt an awful lot! Good luck!

Mojisola

clearingout wrote: »

When I married I did what I suspect a lot of people do and made my now ex-husband's dreams my own, we shared everything, the success and the failusres, good and bad, had joint accounts and 'our' money. In doing so, I guess somewhere along the line I gave up my own dreams, and life didn't quite pan out as I was hoping it would! I would say now, with the benefit of hindsight, that this was a dreadful mistake.

You can do all this without giving up on your dreams! Dreams, ambitions, jobs, housework and childcare can all be shared. If one partner is compromising their dreams, the relationship will rarely last.

FBaby

One thing that no one has mentioned yet.... however much in love you are, you have to consider the possibility that your marriage might not last forever. I know it sounds horrible to write, but let's face it, very few couple who married thought they would end up divorced one day, yet as we know, many do.

I am saying that because if you go on the benefit forum, you see a number of women who decided to give up their career to become a SAHM and suddenly found themselves on their own with 2, 3, 4 children and no choice but to live on benefits.

I too was raised thinking that women should always aspire to a career and be financially independent. In my case, it paid off as after my second child, I discovered my partner had been lying and building up huge debts behind my back. We separated and almost lost our house, but thanks for being independent, I was able to buy him off. I was able to continue to bring up my kids in the lifestyle I've always wanted for my children (nothing luxurious, but comfortable).

Of course, many SAHM are massively happy in their marriage and look back once their kids have grown with full contentment of their choice to become SAHM. I would have loved to be one too, but I'm glad I didn't in light of my relationship.