Marrige.

make_me_wise

Are you both fundamentally happy in yourselves? Even when married you cant rely on another person to make you happy, you need to do that for yourself. Then you feel able to make a positive contribution to your relationship.

Healthy relationships, where you are each content with your own lives individually, tend to tick along nicely. Love, laughter, intimacy and sex should just flow when you are with the right peron for you. All marriages go through phases. Few retain that first huge buzz, desire and spark that is there when you meet. Depends on the couple and how you work at it together.

I do get the impression from your post that you two never exactly blew each other away, more kind of drifted together? Would you describe your husband as your lover, soul mate, confidant? Or is he just your best friend, another very important element to a relationship granted, but not ideal on its own.

Bella79

Morning all,

I firstly want to say "thankyou" for all the helpfull replies, no, we never really had that WOW spark, like i said out love grew over time and i know im lucky that i have a man whos has no bad traits, but there is just no opmh between us, we get every saturday night together, but theres just nothing there, no chatting or laughter, people discribe me as bubbly ,chatting and outgoing, so i try to be that way with him but its a one way street and when your getting nothing back its hard work.

He says he loves me, and he knows hes not good at talking etc, but he says he will always love me, he jst cant act in a way thats not him, i say i dont want him to i just want him to have some life in him, i can be silly dancing about with dd etc, hes NEVER ever like this, i sometimes worry that if somthing happended to me and he had to bring dd up, she would be cared for and loved, but there would be no laughter and sillyness, her life would be boring.

And i sat and thought last night about whats been said over the last few days and he must feel awfull, cos he turned round and said to me "i know you love me, but i dont think you love me in the way a wife should love her husband, i know im not perfect, but i love you to death, no one else could ever love you as much as i do"

I thought how i would feel is it was reveresd, shattered. And i dont think the grass is greener on the other side, i just want a healthy happy family/marraige. I think i knew when i met him that he wasnt "right" for me, but he was so nice and kind i had been so badly treated in the past by men, it was so nice to be with and actual "nice" man, i stayed with hiim and part of me feel guilty about it so i feel i owe it to him to make this work. At the time we met i was so fragile and bruised from the previious relationship my current dh gave me what i needed love,care,kindness and tbh i jumped at it, dispite my feeling that something wasnt quite right. I feel so so gulity about this, for my Dh for my daughter ..........

I just dont know what to do/say its been hard just typing that out

claire16c

I have to say I cant imagine not laughing and talking with my DH. As soon as I get in from work we chat constantly (prob me more than him .... but anyway!). We dont have all the same interests but we still have a ton to talk about and crack each other up all the time. It does in some way sound like you perhaps 'settled' because of the way you had been treated in the past.

make_me_wise

Bella79 wrote: »

And i sat and thought last night about whats been said over the last few days and he must feel awfull, cos he turned round and said to me "i know you love me, but i dont think you love me in the way a wife should love her husband, i know im not perfect, but i love you to death, no one else could ever love you as much as i do"

I thought how i would feel is it was reveresd, shattered.

Okay so you two are alone tonight. Have a chat with him now. Say you have been thinking about what he said the other night. That you love him very much and would like to spend some real quality time with him tonight whilst dd is out. If he is the type that this would be easy with, when you are saying all this give him a hug or a kiss on the cheek. Even just squeeze his hand. Ask what he would like for dinner, offer to cook his favourite meal. Suggest maybe going for a nice walk or popping out for a drink to a nice local pub. See if you cant get things back on track. I wish you well OP.

ceridwen

Personal view - well I've never been married (ie as I waited for Mr Right - and he never DID turn up:()...

...but FWIW...my view is that:
- hes done nothing "wrong"
- he loves you
- you have a child together

so...in those circumstances...my view would be "think of the child first and foremost" and stay in the marriage until the child has grown up. That child does not deserve to lose their Dad - so unless and until he does anything that involves treating either of you badly - then stay with him and "make the best of it" until the child has grown up.

Why rely on him and him alone to provide a "life etc" for you - you can always find your own interests etc (no - I do NOT mean "other men":cool:) - but other activities/friends/etc to keep you interested/alive/etc until your child has grown up.

You said yourself that you both "have the same values" and that is no small thing. In my experience - there are few people that are likely to have very much the same values as oneself - and it is very helpful indeed to know that someone is coming from the same viewpoint as oneself about life. Believe me - you do not want to be with someone who thinks theft is fine is you are honest/thinks unfaithfulness is fine if you are faithful/is "politically correct" if you arent/bad with money when you are good with it. Shared values is VERY VERY important indeed for any relationship - be it friendship, a marriage, whatever-it-is. Similarity matters - A LOT.

claire16c

ceridwen wrote: »

Personal view - well I've never been married (ie as I waited for Mr Right - and he never DID turn up:()...

...but FWIW...my view is that:
- hes done nothing "wrong"
- he loves you
- you have a child together

so...in those circumstances...my view would be "think of the child first and foremost" and stay in the marriage until the child has grown up. That child does not deserve to lose their Dad - so unless and until he does anything that involves treating either of you badly - then stay with him and "make the best of it" until the child has grown up.

Why rely on him and him alone to provide a "life etc" for you - you can always find your own interests etc (no - I do NOT mean "other men":cool:) - but other activities/friends/etc to keep you interested/alive/etc until your child has grown up.

You said yourself that you both "have the same values" and that is no small thing. In my experience - there are few people that are likely to have very much the same values as oneself - and it is very helpful indeed to know that someone is coming from the same viewpoint as oneself about life. Believe me - you do not want to be with someone who thinks theft is fine is you are honest/thinks unfaithfulness is fine if you are faithful/is "politically correct" if you arent/bad with money when you are good with it. Shared values is VERY VERY important indeed for any relationship - be it friendship, a marriage, whatever-it-is. Similarity matters - A LOT.

The problem with staying together for the sake of a child is that if the OP were to become very unhappy by doing that, that does no favours for the child either. Plenty of children are happier when their parent do split up wish they had done it earlier.

If you are not in love with someone it would be awful to stay with them for another 15 years plus if you didnt want to! It would be like being trapped, life is too short for that.

I think that its very important to work on a marriage, and if there are children to try particularly hard to make it work. Whether thats by counselling or something else. But if they were to split up one day, it does not mean the child would loose their father!

Molly41

With respect to the previous poster Ceridwen, I do think this a very simplistic way of looking at the situation. I have a friend who was in a similar position to OP who made the decision to leave her marriage and separated from her husband. She had two kids who are teens. She had a right to happiness and decided that her children had the right to have a mother who was happy too. Recently she met and married a wonderful man and they now have a baby whom her older kids adore.

My scenario - I met and married kids Dad on the rebound. Similarly he was very different to my ex. Over the years we have experienced many difficulties and have nearly split up but we listened to each other and changed. Over time our relationship has strengthened and developed and Im really happy with him at the moment. Who knows what the future will hold? Good things I hope for but in reality? My advice is to try not to look too far ahead, live and love in the moment, start with tonight x

kezzygirl

ceridwen wrote: »

Personal view - well I've never been married (ie as I waited for Mr Right - and he never DID turn up:()...

...but FWIW...my view is that:
- hes done nothing "wrong"
- he loves you
- you have a child together

so...in those circumstances...my view would be "think of the child first and foremost" and stay in the marriage until the child has grown up. That child does not deserve to lose their Dad - so unless and until he does anything that involves treating either of you badly - then stay with him and "make the best of it" until the child has grown up.

Why rely on him and him alone to provide a "life etc" for you - you can always find your own interests etc (no - I do NOT mean "other men":cool:) - but other activities/friends/etc to keep you interested/alive/etc until your child has grown up.

You said yourself that you both "have the same values" and that is no small thing. In my experience - there are few people that are likely to have very much the same values as oneself - and it is very helpful indeed to know that someone is coming from the same viewpoint as oneself about life. Believe me - you do not want to be with someone who thinks theft is fine is you are honest/thinks unfaithfulness is fine if you are faithful/is "politically correct" if you arent/bad with money when you are good with it. Shared values is VERY VERY important indeed for any relationship - be it friendship, a marriage, whatever-it-is. Similarity matters - A LOT.

so, this lady should sacrifice her happiness and stay in a marriage in which she is not fulfilled just because of the disruption to the child's life?
What about when the child gets a bit older and starts to pick up that mummy and daddy dont love each other?how will she feel then?
Having experienced it myself I can say that it is better for parents to be apart and happy than to be together 'for the kids'.

Also, the child wont 'lose her dad'-her father would leave her mother,not her.

PlayingHardball

Hi Bella, a couple of things I picked up on and I hope it helps...

"He says he loves me, and he knows hes not good at talking etc, but he says he will always love me, he jst cant act in a way thats not him, i say i dont want him to i just want him to have some life in him" You said it, he can't act in a way thats not him, that doesn't make him boring, just different. Would you seriously want him to act like you? We're all very different - sometimes opposites attract

'he turned round and said to me "i know you love me, but i dont think you love me in the way a wife should love her husband, i know im not perfect, but i love you to death, no one else could ever love you as much as i do" For someone who is very quiet and reserved to say something like that, well, I think you have a winner, if you ask me. Not all people are fortunate enough in life to find someone who loves them, as your husband says, he loves you

I do hope you work things out, it sounds like you have a gem of a man. Who cares if he doesn't make you laugh, and doesn't talk the hind leg off a donkey, honestly, there is so much more to life than a witty man. Not all guys are the life of the party, personally, I'd rather one that wasn't. Your husband sounds solid, loving and sensible & loves you deeply to boot! Many women only wish they had that!

How about ask yourself this question. If I didn't have him in my life, how would life be? It may be that with some effort, and time, you would feel the same about him as he said he feels about you? Reading through your posts I feel you could be putting in more effort, and accept him exactly as he, just as he has accepted you and your 'silly, chatty, bubbly' ways that make up your personality.

I know it isn't for everyone (and I haven't done it) but some people would find counselling helpful, have you checked out Relate, or anything like this?

It does sounds like you have something worth saving, for what its worth.

Gavin83

I'm going to be bluntly honest here, I don't think you should ever have got married. If the spark didn't exist why did you carry it further? I guess the final decision rests with you. I can't see him changing, you knew what he was like when you married and he'll continue to be like this. You need to decide if this relationship can satisfy you for the rest of your life. Personally I couldnt be with someone I had no spark with and I couldn't talk to and if I wasn't having sex several times a week I'd assume something was wrong.

No offense but I think at some point you'll find someone more exciting, have an affair and leave him. Might be assuming a lot here but I'm fairly confident.