Do i end my 19yr marriage?

gonzo127

saffiedale wrote: »

ye last week i tried and failed. he would hate relate as he is sooooooooooooo private. i agree my head id done in due to all thats going on. bit more tlc witout sex would lift me.

that shouldnt matter, if he loves you and wants to stay married to you he needs to realise that he needs to try something new, you have tried keeping it private and sorting it yourselves for 6 years and well, its not worked!

so maybe trying Relate (something new and a different perspective) might be the kick up the bums you both need to realise what the other person needs from each other

gnasher18us

Can I just say that your husband should be checked by a G.P? Just because he isn't interested in sex doesn't mean anything about his love for you.

Infact, it appears he wants to be intimate with you, but shows his intimacy in other ways, like holding your hand.

For starters, based on what you have said, he might be suffering a number of illnesses.

Depression immediately sprung to mind when I read about lack of sex drive.

He could also have some erectile issues caused by illnesses such as diabetes (and others).

Perhaps even look at how YOU treat him. You seem to be a woman who, herself, may be suffering from depression. You have medical issues and your mother is ill. You are on the verge of kicking out your husband, so perhaps you have to admit some blame? Just a possibility for you to think about.

My main concern is that you've actually posted this on Money Saving Expert. You are clearly suffering yourself, and this conversation should be taking place (in private) with your husband, and probably your GP (or relate counsellor).

lostinrates

saffiedale wrote: »

ye last week i tried and failed. he would hate relate as he is sooooooooooooo private. i agree my head id done in due to all thats going on. bit more tlc witout sex would lift me.

would he hate relate more than he'd hate a divorce?

saffiedale_2

lostinrates wrote: »

would he hate relate more than he'd hate a divorce?

thank you so much for that. no he would not? i seem to of got into the wrong forum? i did not think this page was just money saving? i thought we had all got people to share our problems with? feel like i may of upset someone?

euronorris

gonzo127 wrote: »

such as why he feels pressured when you 'start' things, have you never been intimate without the need for full sex?

It depends how often she's trying to initiate it.

My OH's drive is higher than mine, and I try to do it more often than I feel the need to, as a compromise. But he still wants more and tries to initiate it more often. Then gets upset when I say no, and will try again 20 mins later! And then there is the 'you never initiate it' thing. Which I do, but I rarely get the chance because he's always getting in there before me! The pressure is then so much that I really don't want to do it for days afterwards.

I keep trying to explain to him, but on this particular subject, it's like he it doesn't sink in or something, or he's hoping I'll change my mind.

saffiedale_2

this afternoon we have taken the dog out and he never let go of my arm, he pulled me to him to kiss me? and its like two different men? wish he could be like this most of the time. what is weird is we stop to talk to man and they were talking about us women. he said that you will never understand them? i said well you lot dont know how to show your feelings. he said to this man well they forget we have feelings too. so i said well why do you lot act so tough ect and let your feelings show abit and we may understand you lot.. lol. conversasion went on and then we went on our way. then within 5 mins i was getting the hug and kiss. and no i do not have depression but pain wears you down. thank you to all of you who realy have put some good ideas and thoughts of how i may come across to him. and sorry if this forum is not for the likes of me asking you guys for help. big hug to the kind words.

saffiedale_2

euronorris wrote: »

It depends how often she's trying to initiate it.

My OH's drive is higher than mine, and I try to do it more often than I feel the need to, as a compromise. But he still wants more and tries to initiate it more often. Then gets upset when I say no, and will try again 20 mins later! And then there is the 'you never initiate it' thing. Which I do, but I rarely get the chance because he's always getting in there before me! The pressure is then so much that I really don't want to do it for days afterwards.

I keep trying to explain to him, but on this particular subject, it's like he it doesn't sink in or something, or he's hoping I'll change my mind.

poor you... once a month would do... so i know i would not like that at all.

euronorris

Saffiedale - I fear you may be confusing intimacy with sex. It's OK to want to hug and kiss someone, hold their hand etc, without wanting sex.

Maybe he'd like to do just that some nights, and have less sex. You need to ask him.

euronorris

saffiedale wrote: »

poor you... once a month would do... so i know i would not like that at all.

Ah thanks, but no need to feel sorry for me.

My drive is fairly high, but you know, I need time to rest too and sometimes I just want to hug and kiss and that's all.

I'm sure OH and I will work it out if we keep chatting. His drive has always been high, but it's been higher lately. I know the reason why, it's just difficult getting OH to see that is what is affecting his drive.

saffiedale_2

euronorris wrote: »

Saffiedale - I fear you may be confusing intimacy with sex. It's OK to want to hug and kiss someone, hold their hand etc, without wanting sex.

Maybe he'd like to do just that some nights, and have less sex. You need to ask him.

i agree with you there. we hold hands everynight but the goodnight kiss that we do once every week or so never turns into anything. its not nice when someone plays with you boobs and then dont do anything else.