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Do i end my 19yr marriage?
saffiedale_2
Posts: 304 Forumite
HI ALL, I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 19YR, SOME TIME HAPPY, SOME TIME NOT. I HAVE HEALTH PROBLEMS, FM, AS, OSTEO IN SPINE, MAIN JOINTS ECT, CERVICAL SPONDO, NEED NEW KNEES, HIPS ARNT GOOD. I UNDERSTAND MY HUBBY MAYBE SCARED OF HURTING ME BUT ANY EXCUSE HE CAN USE TO NOT MAKE LOVE THEN HE WILL USE IT....:( WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS STAGE AROND 60 TIMES IN THE PAST 6 YR. HE AS BLAMED ME FOR NOT TELL TRUTH ABOUT PAIN, THEN SAID HE FELT PRESSURED, THEN I DID NOT SHOW HIM LOVE, THEN WHY DONT I MAKE THE MOVE, THEN HE SAYS I TURN MY BACK ON HIM. YES I DO... I FELL SO HURT. HE NOT LONG HAD OPP ON HIS MAN BITS, YES VERY PAINFULL. I CANNOT SAY HOW MANY TIMES HE PROMISES THST IT WONT HAPPEN AGAIN? EACH TIME IT DOES:eek::eek:. LAST TIME I WANTED HIM OUT BECAUSE HE IS NOT EVEN MY CARER, TELL A LIE HE WILL HELP WITH SURGICAL STOCKING.. YES VERY SEXY:p. WHEN IT GETS TO THE POINT OF IT BEING NEAR THE END HE WILL MAKE THE EFFORT TO MAKE LOVE AND GIVE ME ALL THE KISSES, PROMISES THAT INDEED HE WILL NEVER EVER LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN. BUT THEN THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL STARTS AGAIN. WE ARE BOTH IN OUR 50S AND NO KIDS AT HOME. HE GAVE IN HIS JOB TO LOOK AFTER ME. HE WONT EVEN WAKE IN NIGHT WHEN I AM IN AGONY YET HE WILL HOLD MY HAND WHEN WATCHING TV????? IF HE IS HAPPY OVER SOMETHING HE MAY TELL ME HE LOVES ME? WE HAVE BOTH BEEN MARRIED BEFORE AND HIS FIRST WIFE TREATED HIM REAL BAD AND HE AS A DAUGHTER WHO MAY NOT BE IS? BUT HE CARNT BE TREATING ME LIKE THIS FOR WHAT SHE DID? I FEEL SO ALONE WITH SO MUCH PAIN AND NO AFFECTION. IT MAKES MY FM FLARE SO BAD. I LOVE HIM BUT I HATE HIM TOO FOR DOING THIS TO ME. PLEASE DONT SAY TALK TO HIM AS TIME AFTER TIME I HAVE. WE ARE HAVING A FEW DAYS AWAY SUMAT I DO TO TRY TO BRING US CLOSE AGAIN. BUT WE CARNT KEEP DOING THAT........ HIM AND MY CARER HAD WORDS THE OTHER DAY, THEN HE HAD A GO AT THE DISTRICT NURSE. I HAVE MY MOM ILL WITH LUNG CANCER, MY SON AND WIFE JUST HAD IVF EGG TRANSFER, HE SHOWS NO INTEREST IN MY SON YET MY DAUGHTER IS THE GOLDEN CHILD. I COULD COPE ALONE BUT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT KICK HIM OUT. BUT DO I THINK OF MYSELF AND SEND HIM PACKING? BY THE WAY HE DOES NOT HAVE ANY PROBLEM WITH HIS MANHOOD. ANY HELP WOULD BE FANTASTIC AS I HAVE NOT A SOUL TO TALK TO.
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Comments
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sorry i have changed your post a little bit (above) but i found it very difficult to read - so could you maybe check if i have split it correctly because of course the way i have split it could change the meaning of what you have wrote.saffiedale wrote: »Hi all, i have been married for 19yr, some time happy, some time not. I have health problems, fm, as, osteo in spine, main joints ect, cervical spondo, need new knees, hips aren’t good.
I understand my hubby maybe scared of hurting me but any excuse he can use to not make love then he will use it....
we have been through this stage around 60 times in the past 6 yr. He as blamed me for not tell truth about pain, then said he felt pressured, then i did not show him love, then why don’t i make the move, then he says i turn my back on him. Yes i do... I fell so hurt. He not long had opp on his man bits, yes very painful.
I cannot say how many times he promises that it won’t happen again? Each time it does. Last time i wanted him out because he is not even my carer, tell a lie he will help with surgical stocking.. Yes very sexy.
When it gets to the point of it being near the end he will make the effort to make love and give me all the kisses, promises that indeed he will never ever let it happen again. But then the downward spiral starts again.
We are both in our 50s and no kids at home. He gave in his job to look after me. He wont even wake in night when i am in agony yet he will hold my hand when watching tv????? If he is happy over something he may tell me he loves me?
We have both been married before and his first wife treated him real bad and he as a daughter who may not be is? But he can’t be treating me like this for what she did? I feel so alone with so much pain and no affection. It makes my fm flare so bad. I love him but i hate him too for doing this to me.
Please don’t say talk to him as time after time i have. We are having a few days away sumat i do to try to bring us close again. But we can’t keep doing that........ Him and my carer had words the other day, then he had a go at the district nurse.
I have my mom ill with lung cancer, my son and wife just had ivf egg transfer, he shows no interest in my son yet my daughter is the golden child.
I could cope alone but feel guilty about kick him out. But do i think of myself and send him packing? By the way he does not have any problem with his manhood. Any help would be fantastic as i have not a soul to talk to.
anyways going on what i have read from it sounds difficult to sort so i can understand wanting to get out but just trying to break it down
the sex thing - well this appears to be a big issue to start off with, however could this just be down to him having a lower sex drive than you? or could it be that with all your illnesses that it might be that sex is now boring (sorry i do not want to offend but i just wish to speak plainly) ie same position, same foreplay etc etc very little spontinaity
as to the promisses to change etc - this can be very difficult for anyone especially in your home as most of the time people do get stuck in their routines - maybe something to change the routine, clubs, activities
the not waking in the night to the hand holding - well cant really help there do you try and wake him in the night for help? or do you try not to make a fuss and make as little problems as possible - the hand holding thing does seem quite sweet
with all the other things going on in your life have you spoken to your Dr or HV as some form of counceling might be of help for you - or even relate for you as a couple
19 years is a long time and there must surely have been something there in the first place to allow it to last that long which might be worth fighting for - but life is short and people can grow apart and you should not have to stay in a unhappy marriage for the sake of itDrop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
thanks for changing it for me. my head is in a mess. he never realy as been interested in sex but i suppose what you say about the same posision could be true? yes his sex drive is lower but i think mine is too? but you notice more if you dont do it. and i dont make a fuss in the night because i am not that type. only if i carnt manage to get out of bed.0
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also agree that we need to be doing something.club ectsorry i have changed your post a little bit (above) but i found it very difficult to read - so could you maybe check if i have split it correctly because of course the way i have split it could change the meaning of what you have wrote.
anyways going on what i have read from it sounds difficult to sort so i can understand wanting to get out but just trying to break it down
the sex thing - well this appears to be a big issue to start off with, however could this just be down to him having a lower sex drive than you? or could it be that with all your illnesses that it might be that sex is now boring (sorry i do not want to offend but i just wish to speak plainly) ie same position, same foreplay etc etc very little spontinaity
as to the promisses to change etc - this can be very difficult for anyone especially in your home as most of the time people do get stuck in their routines - maybe something to change the routine, clubs, activities
the not waking in the night to the hand holding - well cant really help there do you try and wake him in the night for help? or do you try not to make a fuss and make as little problems as possible - the hand holding thing does seem quite sweet
with all the other things going on in your life have you spoken to your Dr or HV as some form of counceling might be of help for you - or even relate for you as a couple
19 years is a long time and there must surely have been something there in the first place to allow it to last that long which might be worth fighting for - but life is short and people can grow apart and you should not have to stay in a unhappy marriage for the sake of it0 -
He holds your hand when watching TV but will find every excuse to avoid sex. He's given up work to be with you but doesn't actually do much. He doesn't wake up when you're in pain. (Personally I would let him off this 'crime'. When I'm sound asleep nothing, but nothing, except two alarm clocks will wake me. I wish I were a lighter sleeper but that's the way it is.)
We've heard about what your needs are. What are his needs? We've heard how he's promised to change but what things are you prepared to change? As you well know after so many years of marriage, it's all about compromise, giving way and putting up with our differences.
If he told you that what he really needs is a companion rather than a lover and some undisturbed sleep in a separate bed, would you be prepared to adjust and give him what he needs? If your answer is 'No' and you're not prepared to compromise - then you can't expect him to fall into line with your wishes. It works both ways and you know this.
I think you are so isolated and starved of company that you may be making unreasonable demands for attention. On the other hand you and he may be so incompatible and want such different things from a partner that you may be flogging a dead horse of a marriage. If I were you I would say to myself 'This may just be temporary and I'm not going to something rash while I'm so upset and in pain. But if I don't feel more positive after Christmas then I'll tell him that I'll be seeing a lawyer in the New Year'.
Good luck.0 -
saffiedale wrote: »thanks for changing it for me. my head is in a mess. he never realy as been interested in sex but i suppose what you say about the same posision could be true? yes his sex drive is lower but i think mine is too? but you notice more if you dont do it. and i dont make a fuss in the night because i am not that type. only if i carnt manage to get out of bed.
no problem, as i said i just found the original difficult to read.
anyways so thoughts on this are
he has never had a big sex drive and recently(?) when you have had sex it has probably been same position etc - so the possibility that sex might have become a bit boring to him is not impossible which in itself can make you lose your sex drive, so some suggestions if possible and wanting/willing to try -
trying to spice it up a bit with some nice undies, and different possitions
take him by surprise with a unexpected BJ or be naked and posed on the bed/sofa for when he gets home/upstairs as the case maybe,
find out if he has any fantisies that you might be able to act out (nurse outfits etc)
and the night thing well really although it must bug the living daylights out of you, you cant really hold it against him because you try not to disturb him if possible
really i think Kay has some good points aswell, to me it reads like you have hit a serious low point in the relationship, and i would suggest you can try something like relate if your hubby is up for it, although even if he isnt you can go yourself and try and help you get your head more strightDrop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
i think you are right about that i need to give abit more, i do get the company i need from carer, friend, mom, daughter when she as time. i do tink we are both stuborn? the less he starves me of sex the more anry i become? but when i used to start the foreplay he would say he felt i pressured him to much.He holds your hand when watching TV but will find every excuse to avoid sex. He's given up work to be with you but doesn't actually do much. He doesn't wake up when you're in pain. (Personally I would let him off this 'crime'. When I'm sound asleep nothing, but nothing, except two alarm clocks will wake me. I wish I were a lighter sleeper but that's the way it is.)
We've heard about what your needs are. What are his needs? We've heard how he's promised to change but what things are you prepared to change? As you well know after so many years of marriage, it's all about compromise, giving way and putting up with our differences.
If he told you that what he really needs is a companion rather than a lover and some undisturbed sleep in a separate bed, would you be prepared to adjust and give him what he needs? If your answer is 'No' and you're not prepared to compromise - then you can't expect him to fall into line with your wishes. It works both ways and you know this.
I think you are so isolated and starved of company that you may be making unreasonable demands for attention. On the other hand you and he may be so incompatible and want such different things from a partner that you may be flogging a dead horse of a marriage. If I were you I would say to myself 'This may just be temporary and I'm not going to something rash while I'm so upset and in pain. But if I don't feel more positive after Christmas then I'll tell him that I'll be seeing a lawyer in the New Year'.
Good luck.0 -
we have a box of toys that never see the light of day. lol. i used to do the sexy clothes bit and yes he did enjoy it but then he apeared bored? he is very victorian regarding sex? he did admit about 3 weeks ago it is his only way of being able to get at me, to not make love to me. while i do have alot of health problems i push myself hard so he does not have to do much as he as arth i hands and toes. i must love him or i would not be asking you guys for help.... he also says we have no probls and its in my mind. he realy was not happy when i got a superking bed with seperate mattress. i thought it would help us both? he would hate to go into another room. i have booked bb in twin beds on first night as the double looked so small, he wernt happy then. thank you for your help. xno problem, as i said i just found the original difficult to read.
anyways so thoughts on this are
he has never had a big sex drive and recently(?) when you have had sex it has probably been same position etc - so the possibility that sex might have become a bit boring to him is not impossible which in itself can make you lose your sex drive, so some suggestions if possible and wanting/willing to try -
trying to spice it up a bit with some nice undies, and different possitions
take him by surprise with a unexpected BJ or be naked and posed on the bed/sofa for when he gets home/upstairs as the case maybe,
find out if he has any fantisies that you might be able to act out (nurse outfits etc)
and the night thing well really although it must bug the living daylights out of you, you cant really hold it against him because you try not to disturb him if possible
really i think Kay has some good points aswell, to me it reads like you have hit a serious low point in the relationship, and i would suggest you can try something like relate if your hubby is up for it, although even if he isnt you can go yourself and try and help you get your head more stright0 -
saffiedale wrote: »i think you are right about that i need to give abit more, i do get the company i need from carer, friend, mom, daughter when she as time. i do tink we are both stuborn? the less he starves me of sex the more anry i become? but when i used to start the foreplay he would say he felt i pressured him to much.
ok having gone from the original post to this my thoughts are still heading down the lines of Relate, as to me although you have 'spoken' about these things it still seems to me that there are things that have remained unspoken.
such as why he feels pressured when you 'start' things, have you never been intimate without the need for full sex?Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
ye last week i tried and failed. he would hate relate as he is sooooooooooooo private. i agree my head id done in due to all thats going on. bit more tlc witout sex would lift me.ok having gone from the original post to this my thoughts are still heading down the lines of Relate, as to me although you have 'spoken' about these things it still seems to me that there are things that have remained unspoken.
such as why he feels pressured when you 'start' things, have you never been intimate without the need for full sex?0 -
saffiedale wrote: »we have a box of toys that never see the light of day. lol. i used to do the sexy clothes bit and yes he did enjoy it but then he apeared bored? he is very victorian regarding sex? he did admit about 3 weeks ago it is his only way of being able to get at me, to not make love to me. while i do have alot of health problems i push myself hard so he does not have to do much as he as arth i hands and toes. i must love him or i would not be asking you guys for help.... he also says we have no probls and its in my mind. he realy was not happy when i got a superking bed with seperate mattress. i thought it would help us both? he would hate to go into another room. i have booked bb in twin beds on first night as the double looked so small, he wernt happy then. thank you for your help. x
so have you ever asked or thought about why he might feel the need to 'get at you'
and i am really sorry as i do not wish you to make you feel that you are to 'blame' (as i realise it might feel that way) from what you have posted so far he is as much to 'blame' as anyone as it always takes 2, it is of course only possible for me to ask you questions hence why it might appear i am only questioning you actions
but he certainly does need to act as if he cant or wont see a problem and yet you see one then unfortunaly the likelyhood is that you will either stay in a unhappy mariage with no changes or you will have to get out and start to live your own lifeDrop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0
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