I am a HORRID friend. Vent alert!

*Scottish*Lass*

radiography wrote: »

Sounds like you're all pretty unpleasant. Surely life's too short to get upset about such pettiness?

Everyone's wedding is really important to them, but I've been to a lot - they're all bloody boring to attend.

I'd say it's best to treat others as you would wish to be treated, regardless of whether you get the same in return. That means politely extending congratulations in as sincere a sense as you can muster.

Somewhat less traditionally, I also believe that you should stop talking to people who annoy you. I don't understand this - predominantly female - habit of calling people "friends" when they have some kind of a grudge against them, or even flat-out despise them. If you like them, get over it. If you don't, cut them out of your life.

Passive-aggressively replying to Facebook messages is no way to waste any of your years on this planet.

I have to say that I completely agree with what Radiography says (which is probably not going to be accepted well). It's been proven to me in the last week that life is far too short. Why waste time and energy worrying about this? Accept that she isn't coming and move on. Be happy for her - afterall she seems to be happy for you. If you can't/don't want to be happy for her then just move on. Nothing you do or say about her will change the fact that she won't be at your wedding.

sharpee wrote: »

This is a place where we can come to rant and not be judged!

Everyone has a right to rant, the op ranted and radiography ranted. Neither is more or less entitled to their rant or opinion.

jojo2004 wrote: »

Thank you to all (most) of you.
Not reall any need for adding the (most)?
She did the opposite - got excited, said she couldn't wait to be there, said that the choice of date might make the difference between her being able to be there or not, then changed her mind. I guess joho, maybe you're right - maybe the friendship is drawing to a natural close.

I think that the tone of her message was what made it all flare up - it was 'I'm getting married -you'll all be there, right?' and the first thing I thought was 'Why the hell should I be? You don't care enough to come to my wedding.'

Which pretty much sums up what Radiography said about treating others as you wish to be treated - she was instantly happy about your invite - you were instantly petty about her invite.

Anyway, I've had my vent, so thank you!

Oh, and 'radiography' - go troll somewhere else. BORING.

You posted on an open forum - someone coming along and not agreeing with everything you say does not make them a troll. Everyone is different and has different opinions and views.

Personally, whilst I'd be upset, I'd say ok, it's a shame, wish you could be there. If I can be at yours I will.

There's no need to have people in your life that you don't want to be friends with, but I am (usually) a strong believer in if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all - which is how I think you should approach this with your 'friend'.

RainbowDrops

A well thought out post Scottish Lass.

I'm not sure why people are accussig radiography of trolling - you can't expect everyone on an open forum to be on your side.

Anyway, back o track - OP - how are you feeling now? Have you had a chance to see things differently?

jojo2004

Fine - Radiography was expressing his/her opinions - albeit in an inflammatory and unhelpful way. I guess people are entitled to be unhelpful if they so choose - despite me saying in my first post that I was just venting.

Anyway. Still pretty upset about the whole thing - but i think I should be the bigger person and meet her next week (she's in town, apparently, and has suggested meeting up as she 'needs' to pick my brains about wedding things). I'm going to be honest and say it will be a struggle to be excited for her, but I will do my best not to burst her bubble, as I know how hurtful that would be. Wish me luck!

Sambucus_Nigra

jojo2004 wrote: »

she's in town, apparently, and has suggested meeting up as she 'needs' to pick my brains about wedding things.

You will I hope give her a great bit of advice: don't change your dates at the request of a so-called friend who then dips out of attending.

marywooyeah

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

You will I hope give here a great bit of advice: don't change your dates at the request of a so-called friend who then dips out of attending.

:rotfl:
would be interesting to see if the friend realises the meaning of this!

flossy_splodge

jojo2004 wrote: »

Fine - Radiography was expressing his/her opinions - albeit in an inflammatory and unhelpful way. I guess people are entitled to be unhelpful if they so choose - despite me saying in my first post that I was just venting.

Anyway. Still pretty upset about the whole thing - but i think I should be the bigger person and meet her next week (she's in town, apparently, and has suggested meeting up as she 'needs' to pick my brains about wedding things). I'm going to be honest and say it will be a struggle to be excited for her, but I will do my best not to burst her bubble, as I know how hurtful that would be. Wish me luck!

Well you know my feelings on this!
It's not fair to be upset with someone without giving them the chance to know about your upset and respond.
In this case, with your language skills you're quite capable of meeting her and gently saying you'd like to level with her about something.
There'll be one of two outcomes, in either case you've given her the chance to understand how you feel.
No need for any nastiness at all, just honesty.
But don't worry, you've got a lot of people who WILL be attending with great joy and love for you so accept that not EVERYONE can be your friend, it just doesn't work that way.
Be happy.:A

flossy_splodge

radiography wrote: »

Sounds like you're all pretty unpleasant. Gosh, you're not judgemental or anything are you? Surely life's too short to get upset about such pettiness?
Now that's funny!
Everyone's wedding is really important to them, but I've been to a lot - they're all bloody boring to attend.
I really feel for you. That must be horrid to be so negative about other peoples happy days. Are you having problems yourself that you sound so aggressive? I hope not. Hugs.
I'd say it's best to treat others as you would wish to be treated, regardless of whether you get the same in return. You're SO right here. Do you include yourself in this premise by the way? So do you want others to respond to you as you have responded? I hope not. Life's too short to get upset......:rotfl:That means politely extending congratulations in as sincere a sense as you can muster.
As I'm sure will be the case. No preaching required really.
Somewhat less traditionally, I also believe that you should stop talking to people who annoy you. That's a great point of view. Wish we could all do so! In all seriousness, do YOU actually manage to live by this? Wish I could! Truly! I don't understand this - predominantly female Are you male or female??- habit of calling people "friends" when they have some kind of a grudge against them, or even flat-out despise them. If you like them, get over it. If you don't, cut them out of your life. This I personally absolutely DO agree with, problem is when you're part of a couple and both are friends with someone it may not be so easy to do.

Passive-aggressively replying to Facebook messages is no way to waste any of your years on this planet.

Last comment may have a ring of truth but I feel that there are many frustrated and upset people in the world and just sometimes they get to be human and react in a human, rather than an ideal way. Sad but reality.
I have to own up to being far from perfect myself so can understand the OP's stance, human, not perfect.
Have a lovely lovely day. xx

saterkey

People say all sorts of things but may not necessarily be the truth, presumably you contact each other via email, facebook its only words, she might say shes goes on hols to impress but stays at home, she might be depressed and goes nowhere, who knows. I would be honoured for someone coming from abroad like that, spending a lot of money to come to my wedding, but would fully understand if they couldnt.
Things are annoying when left open and no closure, so email to say you cant make the wedding unfortunately but wish her every success and share some photos of yours expressing sadness that she wasnt able to make it etc, hopefully shell do the same and your friendship will be maintained.
If not just wish her well and let her go, but dont stress anymore just enjoy your day with the people closest to you.

sometimes i wonder whether all the stress of weddings are worth it, i have been together for 22 years and not married.

jojo2004

radiography wrote: »

This is why you're having friendship problems; passive-aggression.

Right. Thanks for your 'help'. Not interested in your opinions if you're just going to be aggressive. Also not clear why you hang out on the wedding forum if you find weddings 'boring'? Perhaps nothing better to do? How sad for you.

flossy_splodge

radiography wrote: »

This is why you're having friendship problems; passive-aggression.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
You are just SO funny.
Are you an actor/actress?
Hugs.