I am a HORRID friend. Vent alert!

jojo2004

So, today I received a Fb message from an old friend - who actually introduced me to my H2B. Just to set the scene, she's been a bit of an on and off mate, and has always been relatively selfish (aren't we all?) - but have seen more of her in the last few years.

She's always been convinced that she didn't want to get married.

When I got engaged, she wanted to know the date asap, as she lives the other side of the world. I told her we were picking between two dates and she said she had a strong preference for one, as it would mean she could probably make the wedding (just after New Year, so she would be in the UK from Christmas/NY and just stay on longer). We picked this date, a little bit because we wanted her to be at the wedding.

A few weeks later she pops up on Fb chat to ask the date of the wedding, which I tell her, and she says 'Oh no - there's no way I can make it. I only get 20 days hols a year, and staying on for your wedding would take up 5 of those - a whole quarter of my allowance.'
Okay, so I'm disappointed, obv. And a little hurt, but I decide that she's a friend, I should keep my wedding in perspective, and that 20 days hols is very little, and she has family in Argentina, so does need to use holiday to visit them and family in the UK.

Since then, she has been on FIVE holidays/long weekends in the Far East (around where she lives). FIVE. Even if each one only represents a single day's holiday (and trust me, they don't, I'm being generous), that's the same amount of holiday she 'couldn't afford' to use for our wedding. She's CONSTANTLY on holiday - most recently a week in Japan, followed by a week in Thailand. Half her annual allowance, all at once. Her 'so precious' annual allowance.

I'm so hurt by this - she can book holiday after holiday, but won't use it to come to our wedding. I know this is Bridezilla-ish, i KNOW, but I can't help feel totally resentful that she doesn't in fact have to eke out her holiday, but that in fact what she meant by saying she couldn't 'afford' the holiday to come to ours is that she would rather spend it gallivanting. It's like a slap in the face - and trust me, I DO know that she won't have meant it that way. I know that. It doesn't help.

Now she's engaged. She sent a message to me and another mutual friend. My first thought was 'Well, I've not checked my diary, but I'm pretty sure I'm busy that day'. I know it's a horrible, horrible thing, but I'm so hurt by her actions that even trying to type 'congratulations' to her sticks in my throat. I hate feeling this petty, but she hasn't bothered to say anything beyond the initial (pretty airy and blase) 'oh sorry, can't make it'. Why should I care about her wedding when she doesn't care about mine?

I also got a vicious sense of glee when she said that she couldn't get hold of yet another (mutual) friend as she 'isn't on Fb', and the other friend (who was included in the message)'s response was 'Actually she is.' No congrats, no nothing. I wonder if the third friend is feeling the way I am (our friend also missed her wedding for similar 'reasons').

Gosh I am horrid. Just needed to vent to likeminded people.

kmmr

Appreciate you are a newbie radiography, but I think you are being a bit harsh!

I think what the OP is really expressing is hurt rather than being nasty. The friend has demonstrated that they don't really care enough to come, and the excuse was feeble, but still expects the OP to be happy for her and attend the friend's wedding. I know the feeling, you sort of appreciate the excuse, but somehow know that in your case you wouldn't do it.

I have flown back to Oz for a couple of weddings, and to South Africa and various other places. Despite sometimes thinking... hmm... that is sort of difficult... I have always made it in the end. Sometimes with short notice as I suddenly decide to go! But, now some people are not coming to my wedding as it's too far away, which is a bit hurtful, but I still do accept it. People seem to think Sydney to London is quite a long way! I am used to it (for various reasons) and so don't take it quite so seriously, but I appreciate that to some people it is a huge deal.

Anyway OP, I do think you have to try and just get over this and be happy for your friend (if she really is a friend), or it will get you down.

BKAT_9

JoJo, well done for venting - lets face it we are all guilty of feeling things that our rational head tells us we shouldnt. Your situation was probably complicated by your friend's original highjacking of your proposed wedding date. I suspect that your subconsious is thinking you gave a little to her and she has turned around and slapped you in the face. I have friends like this to - they certainly do not mean it but the fact that they lack the bigger picture (i.e. the world does not in fact revolve around them) is not an easily to accept excuse.

Hopefully you feel a bit better now you have vented (won't tell her promise!), I would try not to blow this into anything bigger then it needs to be, hopefully once the dust has settled you will be able to let go of a little bit of annoyance you have.

ellay864

I understand where OP is coming from...my oldest was meant to be my chief bridesmaid at my first wedding but didnt make it as she extended a travelling trip. I know it was a massive opportunity for her and she was totally right to take it but at the time I felt really hurt
Radiography, people come on this forum and others to vent. She said as much all through her post, she said she accepts the reason, she's not asking us to join in condmenation of her friend, she's just coming on here to have a bit of a rant in a community where we all know what she's going through. While I agree with your 'life's too short' sentiments, you have come across as a bit preachy, and while you may only have real close nice friends on FB, the reality is many of us have old friends that we see on and off and use FB as a medium for contact.
Please be aware that there's lots of irrational posts on this forum in particular - we're a bunch of hormonal women planning for the biggest day of our lives, and yes we know that our day doesn't matter that much to everybody else but we want to pretend it does :rotfl: If you're going to expect common sense and rational thought from everyone here you'll be sadly disappointed, and when we want to vent it's just a release - we don't expect moral judgement

becca0417

Well said ellay!
I have to say I would probably feel the same way. Irrational or not, it's not nice to feel a "friend" has behaved in this way xx

Baberuth153

A small note - I am not saying that your friend is right or wrong to use her holiday how she has, but I would like to note that if she lives in Hong-Kong it is probable that some of those holidays could be bank holidays.

Hong-Kong workers get around 15 or 16 bank holidays as they have both Chinese and UK bank holiday - ie Easter and Chinese new year.

If that is the case she might not have been as spend-thrift as it seems.

sharpee

radiography wrote: »

I don't think it was a harsh respone. If I saw that someone had written about me in that way, with all the sarcasm and vitriol, I would not consider that person to be a friend of mine. Ergo, OP comes across as nasty and just as bad as her "friend".

This is a place where we can come to rant and not be judged!

I think its a fair thing to be feeling the way you are but don't let it get to you. I think I would have the same reaction. I'm half expecting my H2B sister and partner not to make it to ours for some silly reason but to still expect us to go to theirs in Tenerife in June (expecting us to take son out of school for a week) and pretty much dictating where we're to have our summer holiday!

Well done you for venting always better to get it out rather than stew over it.

RainbowDrops

I understand it's a shame when freinds from abroad can't come to your wedding, but it's just a fact of life.

I had friends in Australia, Korea and America who couldn't come and I was gutted. I gave them lots of notice, but I understood why they couldn't make it. One mate spent the whole year uming & ahing, which was frustrating, but then said no in the end.

But you know what, there's some truth in what radiography said - just because it's our most importan day, doesn't mean others will pull out all the stops to be there.

Travelling half way around the world isn't the same as taking short breaks closer to home.
The friend might have already had these planned, and it's her holiday - I don't see why you're being so narky about how she uses it!
In your post you say she only said she'd probably be able to make it.

I hope you can find it in you to be happy for her & get your friendship back on track.
Hopefully having a vent has let it all out & you can now look at things with perspective.

johannalf88

I don't think you are a horrid friend for thinking it at all! If you acted on it that would be a bit off, but you know that! And would feel bad about it! That is totally normal. I would just think- one less mouth to feed at mine, then go to hers if I could, but if it was abroad (far) or difficult to get to wouldn't try too hard!

trinity_enigma

I think I'd be most annoyed about picking the date to suit her and her not coming than anything else. As you said you know you're being bridezilla in a way but you're bound to be disappointed and you can't help that.

marywooyeah

When I first read it I thought "maybe it's too expensive for the friend to travel" but obviously she's not short of money to have all those holidays. I would be really annoyed if I were in your shoes, you were swayed towards your date on her input and now she's not coming - and the excuse given clearly isn't true or she wouldn't be going on all the holidays!

a similar thing happened at my wedding where my maid of honour dropped out 2 weeks before my wedding (and 2 days before my hen!) getting my husband to tell me - the excuse was she felt self concious and would feel uncomfortable "being the centre of attention".
The week before our wedding she threw a big party (around 30 in attendance) to celebrate her birthday, happily posed for photos and was the proverbial life and soul. Then she showed up at our wedding in the same colour as the bridesmaids and eagerly posed for our photos. Thus - the excuse she gave wasnt true, and thats what hurt, if your friend has another reason for not coming she needs to come cleaning because is lying about it which is hurtful more than the fact she isn't coming.

I wouldn't go to hers - why travel all that way after she's lied?! And yes, I can see why you felt like that about the messages, sounds like the other mutual friend has blocked her and thats why she can't find her! I'd distance yourself from her, you don't want a downer on your wedding plans.